Cales Recovery

a cruisin' we will go!

2012-02-02T08:08:00.007-08:00

We’ve been busy beavers around here.

Some good stuff is happening and one of them happens soooooooon! I don’t know if you remember reading or not, but back in May we booked a cruise with Mama and her best friend. It was a crazy impulsive purchase, and we are SO excited! To be honest, I’ve had (for quite some time) a hesitation about going. Not regret…but, I questioned if I should have been that bold. My reasoning comes from all the trips we’ve been taking since then and knowing how Cale reacts and does. Even though he used to love to travel and we had made so many plans of it before, he’s now a home body. The itching to travel is still full force in me and I think it’s good for him in doses. Well, a cruise there’s no turning back. You’re on the ship and that is what is until your back on land.

We had gone on a cruise in 2007 after Cale returned from his first deployment. The memories of what it was like and the enormous amount of fun we had…and the realization of how different this time is going to be nags at me, BUT, this is our life now and I don’t want to hold back or “wait” to be us, be married, and enjoy our life. I know many of you have talked with me in person about this very topic as I’ve shared my heart about other areas in our life. We can’t put everything on hold because Cale has brain injury. It’s not fair to him or to us. I don’t want him to just exist and get through every day. I want him to live through each day and even though he may not remember the next day, I want to continue to create many more amazing memories that I can one day share with him again. We’re married now. No pause button. The picture looks a wee bit differently than maybe the “typical” (what is typical anyhow?) couple, but this is us, this is the Darling’s. Our love for each other is much too strong and blessed to wait out a change that will be with us for the rest of our lives in one way or another. So, we’re going to cruise and I’m praying we have an absolutely amazingly wonderful time and that we come back refreshed and ready for the next season the Lord has in store for us!

…and I got side tracked. Oops.

So, anyhow I have been feeling more at peace and just plain ol’ excited about going. We are so blessed that we were able to pay for a trip so extravagant and be able to experience this together. This is the first time that Cale has been able to remember that we’re going somewhere. Consistently when asked he’s able to tell you AND yesterday when he woke up, the first thing he asked was what day we were leaving for the cruise! Ahhh! He asked! It’s always me reminding and bringing things up-but that was HIM! ALL him! He hasn’t once said anything about wanting to stay home and not go and even started to help me pack a little! :o) The healing is happening every day.

We have our moments of excitement of whatever it was that Cale said that leaves me jumping up and down and squealing and then we have moments like we did Saturday night that leave me giggling to myself…

For a while now, Sunday mornings have been hard for us. For some reason they are the mornings that take all of my energy because Cale is miserable. Perfect time for the enemy to attack huh? Right before going to church. Classic. After trying to figure out what was so different, I came to the conclusion it’s the shower. Cale hates showers now and it’s always a fight to get him to take one (he doesn’t like a bath either!). I’m still not sure what makes Sundays worse than during the week, but for whatever reason it does. This last Saturday we weren’t able to get him showered so when Saturday night came and I knew we needed to work it out, I tried to offer for us to take one before bed instead of in the morning when we got up for church. This conversation led to this…

Cale became a dog. He said that dogs don’t have to get in the shower and then grabbed the sink and worked his way to the floor. In a steady voice while holding back any laughter, I let him know that dogs don’t get to eat chicken nuggets or drink Mt. Dew and they don’t get to play Xbox or sleep in the bed, he would NOT give in! He laid on the bathroom floor for 15 minutes and then found his way to Basil’s bed…

And then tried to find his way to our bed by lying at my feet…

It was over an hour before he finally agreed to be human. During that time when I tried to talk with him, his reply would always be, “woof woof.” What was so great about the whole thing was that he held on to that and was so stubborn. Normally if he gets upset or says something, by the time 10 minutes rolls around, he’s already long forgotten whatever it was. Not this time!

Oh yes. That’s just a glimpse into our moments around here!

Another thing happening around here…

Do you remember me talking about the program that was started with Cale working at the church? That didn’t go over so well, but we’re now starting from a different direction. Chris a guy that we know will be working with Cale for about 12 hours a week and basically being his friend! Can you believe it?! Answer to prayer! He’s a GUY and he’s going to do GUY stuff with Cale! The first day was yesterday and part of their time consisted of…well, guy stuff…

Haha! Gotta love those video games. Not only is Chris a great guy, but he also loves the Lord which is a HUGE bonus. Another way the Lord is providing above and beyond. Constantly.

For all of you in the area, mark your calendars!!!!! The 5k run will be on April 21st! More details to come…but for now, take a big fat marker and circle that day! :o)

Also, this will probably be the last post I get done before we leave. When we’re back, I’ll have a little surprise for ya!

awesome! awesome! awesome! awesome! oh my goodness AWESOME night!

2012-01-27T22:01:00.000-08:00

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. –Joseph Campbell

Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Tonight was awesome! I haven’t been able to get rid of this cheesy grin for the last couple of hours! Oh my goodness!

For several months (I think since September!) we’ve been trying to get an appointment with a Psychologist in our area. It’s been tricky because well, there’s not much available in our area and what is here we’ve heard not so great things about. The other part was to find one that understood TBI. Difficult…especially when only ONE in our area accepts our insurance. After tons of back and forth and correcting the doctor’s orders, we finally were able to get an appointment tonight because of a cancellation.

I was really nervous about the appointment! First, Cale doesn’t do well with a lot of talking, he doesn’t understand and recognize that anything is needed (most of the time), and any time anything with brain injury and the challenges Cale has is discussed, he gets really upset. I knew all of this was going to be present in our appointment. Hmm…

I’m not sure I can even fully explain how absolutely amazing the whole appointment turned out to be! Dr. L is genuine and I can tell he honestly cares. He’s very knowledgeable about the brain and all of its workings. He was able to break information about Cale’s injury down in ways that hasn’t been done before. He did wonderful with Cale and was able to keep him engaged the entire time (1.5 hours!!!!) and to top it all off…he loves the Lord! He even prayed with us before we left!

Ahhh!!!!!! As soon as I closed the door to the car, I let out a big squeal and literally for the next five minutes repeated, “Oh my goodness!” Cale was in total agreement and told the guy he liked him and would come back…uh. I’m not sure that has ever happened to anyone with any kind of medical field that has worked with him! Tonight was the first initial appointment and then we’ll start a couples counseling. On the way home Cale and I held hands and began to praise God for another way that He has provided in a way that is on such a higher level than we could have even thought of. We ended our prayer time with singing Amazing Grace at the top of our lungs.

This is the beginning to a wonderful new step in our journey; I can already feel it.

It’s been a week since I’ve posted. I’m not even sure how far back my memory can go. Cale kept doing/saying things that made us laugh and every time I would tell myself I needed to write it down, but would never actually do it! Shame on me!

After snow last week, this week has been sunshine and green grass. The snow is almost completely gone around here and the sun has been beautiful! I hear we’re supposed to be getting hit again soon. I know different parts of the country have been hit a bit harder than we did here (which is the norm) so we’re pretty blessed with getting to have a little bit of the fluffy white stuff, but not have to have too many losses because of it.

Conversation with Cale yesterday…

C: Are we related?
K: We're husband and wife
C: Oh really? Only that?
K: uh?

I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t want to be related any other way! ;) He’s so adorable when he thinks of these things. In the big picture, obviously it wouldn’t be a good thing, but in his mind it’s like extra points if we would have been! Haha!

I know there are many more things to write, but at this moment all the thoughts are in one giant pile kind of all tangled up. I’ll try to sort through and remind myself of the last week and let you more later…

Oh! One last thing…

Update on the Darling Project!

One of the ideas that will be happening in our area in April is a 5k run to raise funds! There are a few really great women that are the brains of the operation and we’ll be getting more details out to you later.

If you’ve got ideas to share, thoughts, or questions, feel free to share on the Facebook page!

Courageous

2012-01-20T22:13:00.000-08:00

The snow is beautiful! While shoveling the snow Wednesday morning, it brought back a kind of comfort of what was home for so long. We’ve been blessed with being able to stay warm in a home with heat, cuddled up, and playing lots of games!

There has been cocoa and Cribbage with Cale! We've played about 6 games of it in the last 3 days and I've only won one! He does need help, but what stands out more is how much each game takes out of him. There's a lot of adding involved and that causes his brain to have to work so hard. Good stuff! :o)

Some of our games have been so close! My points would get me to the last place before finish and then when Cale counted his points, he would win! Stinker!

Yesterday Mama and Cale played Kinect! We have tried this so many times with Cale, but because it’s so difficult to move around for him and he doesn’t understand why, it becomes a frustrating mess. I decided to get Mama involved so that I could help Cale with balance. Right as the game was starting, I received an important phone call and had to leave the room...while on the phone I kept walking back in the living room to watch and Cale was doing it without help! He wasn’t getting a great score, but at least he was trying and on his own! Towards the end, I think the last game he realized he had lost so then he kept saying it was a dumb game, BUT he did have fun before that! Mama was a great sport to do it with him!

We had two full days of being inside cuddled up, drinking cocoa, and playing games, but today we had to venture out! It was all by choice. I think we all needed it! We just went to the grocery store and picked up a few things. I hear the next couple days are supposed to warm up a little. Winter here is nothing like what we had in NY-that’s for sure! :o)

Tonight we watched the movie Courageous. Awesome movie! I love the idea of men making such a powerful commitment to the Lord. Very cool. As Mama and I watched the movie, Cale was kind of all over the place. He helped feed the animals and played with Basil. He was in the room for a little bit and played with my phone. The whole time I was wishing that he was at a place that he could watch and understand the concept of the movie and how great it was. I hope that one day he’ll get it; he’ll be able to grasp such amazing spiritual truths-I believe for it!

For now, I will continue to speak those truths into his life and pray over him to be the godly man, husband, and Father I know the Lord desires of him…same goes for me…the female version of that of course! ;o)

I'm pretty blessed to be married to the most Courageous man I know!

Memory & Memories...

2012-01-18T13:26:00.000-08:00

Wednesday.

Good day?

I hope!

Since Monday is still fresh on the brain, I’m gonna start there…

It was a good day. Lots of good things and it all started with a good morning!

When I went to bed Sunday night, I had every intention of getting up early so I could head to the gym. Our elliptical is down and we have a big trip coming up in a couple weeks…and I’ve been eating A LOT. Gold’s Gym blessed both of us with FREE membership, but I never go! Cale hasn’t either. It’s hard for me to get up and get going to go workout. Eh.

That explains why I turned off my alarm and reset for a later time, instead of jumping out of bed. I tend to roll out most days. Cale isn’t a fan of the mornings that my alarm keeps going off…I should work on that.

By the time I finally got myself going, and did my quiet time, it was too late to get to the gym. BUT, I did have a really good quiet time! It was one of those times that afterwards I was excited…just being reminded that the Lord is consistent, constant, and never changes.

When I picked up my devotional the first line said something about being in a place in my life that I need to let go of something. Gulp. As I kept reading, it’s not like anything was coming to mind. Later it talked about what we really find our security in. Our pastor has been speaking a lot about these two things lately, but still nothing was pressing on me. After reading my Bible, I started writing out my prayer and as I was writing that I wondered what I needed to let go of, the Army took over all thoughts.

We’re about to have another huge change in our life. It’s a place that unfortunately we’ve already walked through and experienced right before the accident. The Army has been our “security” since right after we got married. Cale had left for Basic 1 month after and during that month; our lives were filled with the preparation of him leaving. It’s all we’ve known as a couple. Over the last 2 years, the Army has looked a bit different, as I’ve been the one stepping to the plate of a soldier (I’m not so good at it…), but all along, it has been the security blanket for finances, therapy, traveling, insurance, and guidance.

I’ve been dreading Cale’s ETS date because that means taking away everything we’ve known so far in our little comfort bubble. It’s a scary thing to have everything change in the midst of an already unsettling time in our life. Oerfect time for the specific reminder about knowing that even though everything around us constantly changes, God doesn’t. His love for us never changes.

Every word was exactly what I had needed to read…it was just…really good.

The day unfolded with many moments of little things that built up to be a pretty incredible day with all that Cale was doing.

I’m not sure if I’ve written before, but cribbage used to be a game that Cale and I would play for hours together…no joke. We would have so much fun and it wasn’t even because I would win all the time. He usually took the trophy, but somehow we would laugh and laugh and challenge each other and turn the game into one of the most fun things we would do together. Every now and then I think about all of those times and the memories wrapped up into such a simple game and my heart aches for the way I miss it…and long for those kind of moments again.

We had tried to play while we were In Palo Alto, but the game was just way too much for Cale and left me with an even deeper longing. A few weeks ago Cale’s speech therapist started playing with him and has told me that things seemed to be really coming back to him. She did say that he still needed help, but was doing well with it. I haven’t quite been able to get the guts to try to play with him again. I think it’s one of those things that I know has changed and knowing that is hard, but actually having to see it and experience the difference makes it all harder. That has been the hurtle for many areas of our life…the actual experience being so different never seems to get easier.

I finally did decide to just try playing with him after watching him and his therapist play on Monday. He certainly has gotten much better than when they first started. I loved it! Really! It was great getting to play with him again! It didn’t last long because my first hand ended up being really good and I was the dealer so the crib was mine, this made him upset, so we took a break. We picked it back up this afternoon though!

He also has been able to carry (CARRY!) one of our chairs instead of dragging it for the last couple days. Normally it’s a short distance, but on Monday he carried it from the table, around the couch, and into the kitchen! This is HUGE! I was trying to stay calm and not freak him out in front of our small group, but I totally was going crazy inside! I was nervous and watched him as he went, but let him do it all by himself! Crazy!

I found this picture from after one of our cribbage games a couple years ago. I had won (which hardly ever happened!) and teased Cale. He tackeled and we laughed! :)

After everyone had left, I usually have a bunch to clean up before I get to bed. Cale normally goes to the bedroom to brush his teeth and by the end of the night he’s so tired he’ll get in bed while I clean up. Rather than go off to get ready for bed, he helped me clean up! It was so sweet! Maybe for other people this is a big deal just because their husband never helps out, but my husband normally can’t help out…but he did! He did a lot too! He helped bring in the rest of the dishes off the table, threw the garbage away for me, and helped with the animals. This blessed me so much! Things like that are so small, but at the same time show how amazing his healing is! I didn’t ask, I didn’t have to guide each step; he just helped and actually wanted to.

Backing up a little…

Saturday we chilled. It started with me going to Zumba at the gym. Like I had said earlier, Gold’s Gym had given us free membership, but up until the elliptical going down, I haven’t wanted to take the time to go. I went last Wednesday with a couple ladies from church and enjoyed laughing a lot, but also getting a good work out. Saturday I decided to brave going by myself and oh boy. I thought for some reason they would have the same songs and I would be a lot better, but they were different! When I got home I described myself to Mama and Cale as a flailing sea creature out of water. Fun. Haha! The rest of the day we chilled around the house and played games.

I forgot to tell you the story of the breaking point that showed all of us how Cale wasn’t ready for work quite yet. His therapist was with him at church and I guess he had said he didn’t want to work anymore. He’s been putting up a fight because he kept saying that he does dumb stuff there. Well, he was in the little office where he helps stuff the bulletins and ended up slamming the door several times and locking himself inside. Our Pastor tried to enter after hearing all the slamming, but Cale wouldn’t let him in. Finally he let him and they talked. He was really upset with his therapist though and wouldn’t get in her car with her. The picture of it all happening made me laugh and that night when I tried to talk to Cale about it, he couldn’t remember. I told him a short version of what happened and then had to add, “As awesomely funny as that was, it’s not ok to do it!” Oh man. The life of the Darling’s…

Another big thing that happened Monday while we were getting ready, made me leap for joy again! After breakfast I asked Cale to brush his teeth and fix his hair. This is a daily occurrence but everyday Cale goes to brush his teeth and can’t remember there was anything else. I had been in the other bathroom blow drying my hair and Cale came in and asked where to find his comb! We never use a comb, usually just wet it a little to help with the bed head, but he had remembered his hair needed to be done!!!! I was so excited! Yesterday it was back to just his teeth, but my goodness, the fact that he can even just go brush his teeth is so HUGE! It wasn’t too long ago that I had to help him with every step of it!

There are still days that things become a bit hazy for him and he forgets what to even do with the tooth brush or tooth paste. It doesn’t happen as often as it was and I can see us getting through that stage. I’ve been watching him closer lately and really paying attention to how hard he works for each thing he does. It’s so easy for me to go through my day and do so many things without having to put any thought into it, but for him, each and every step of an activity takes so much thought. Just to get dressed, he looks at each thing and thinks about where it goes and how he puts it on. He gets mixed up often and needs guidance, but he tries every day.

Memory is such a challenge in several areas of our life. We’ve been home for a while trying to live life with joyful hearts like we would have before the car accident. We see the challenges in things we do throughout the day, if I’ve told or asked Cale to do something or if we have a conversation that’s brought up later. It shows up with taking his meds or him not remembering that he has already done something. It shows up with him forgetting even sweet and intimate moments. Those are some immediate things, but then sometimes his memory still gets mixed up on who I am and that we’re married. Just the other day he thought I was his cousin. We had this big discussion on how I’m his wife, Mrs. Darling and how we’re married and live in the same house. Maybe some of the hardest times is the collection of memories of our life together that on some days seemed to have been wiped out and lost somewhere in space. Where do those memories go? Some things I so desperately want him to remember to share in the moment with me, but it’s just not there. It could be something that happened years ago or just the other day. So many special moments…

I worked at a nursing home while Cale was deployed one year. I didn’t have to work that year, but I didn’t want to just sit around and wait for the year to end and him to come home. I had taken a CNA class even though anything medical had never been anything I felt attracted to. I ended up loving the residents the Lord had given to me. In fact when I had to quit so that I could go back to NY when Cale was getting ready to come home, I cried! I had built such deep relationships with people that hardly knew who I was the next day when I came in for work. One specific couple I had talked with Cale time after time about their story and how they had made such an impact on my life. I still look at my picture with them every now and then. The wife had Alzheimer’s and the husband came to visit her every day. She didn’t remember him most days and often thought he was her dad. She had forgotten or mixed up all of the memories that they had built up over 50 years of being married. The picture of them as newlyweds hung in her room and more than once she had no idea it was them. It never made a dent in the way he looked at her with so much love. I told Cale on more than one phone call how I wanted to be like that for him. I wanted to grow old with him and love him more and more with each passing year and it wouldn’t matter what our future held because we would always be so in love.

I meant every word then and I still do, but as I type them now, I can feel the weight of already being the one to carry all of our memories as husband and wife. During moments of something happening and being reminded of something we had shared, there’s no common smile that we share as we both remember. There’s no inside jokes, or long shared conversation while with friends of what was.

We live in the now. The moment that is unfolding before us and we experience whatever emotion has taken hold of us and then as that moment passes, we’re into the next. My heart soaks it all up and places them ever so gently in a treasure box, knowing that not even a picture will be able to capture what has just taken place.

I do still try to take as many pictures as I can (as you know!) and try to capture the happenings of our life so that on later days, I can retell our collection of stories. We have good times with that…and so far Cale loves getting to look at all the pictures!

On another note, the snow has come! It’s VERY white outside. It is still nothing compared to the snow we would get on Fort Drum, but for here in this little corner of Washington, it’s a lot!

We haven’t gotten out of our pj’s yet, but Cale did have OT. His therapist drove all the way from Spokane with these terrible roads! Yuck! They had a great session and let me join in on the fun for a few minutes. I think his PT tonight is not going to happen, but I think he’s not too upset about it! ;)

Well, I think that’s about all the “dumping” I’m doing for today! Thank you for reading!

sidenote...this blog post has taken me the longest to post...EVER! Can you say distracted?!

Just a few things…

2012-01-13T16:27:00.001-08:00

Mama is a ROCKstar. No joke. She has helped me organize like you’d never believe! I feel so much more relaxed without stacks of paper looming over my days. Also, there’s a closet downstairs that when we moved in was full of stuff; tools, paint, and I don’t even know what else. Every time we would look at it or talk about doing something about it, the project seemed too intimidating to do much more than just think about. Finally we went through everything and our downstairs is even organized! Mama did most of it on her own because I had so many other things going on this week. This is just a fraction of how much help she’s been lately.

Mama, thank you. For reals.

Do you remember me sharing about how we started “work” for Cale at our church with the attempt to help him feel more independent? Well, it has pretty much been decided that we’re going to put that on hold. The idea of him having a job and working is of course wonderful because it means progress, but setting up a fake job just doesn’t cut it. He’s unable to tolerate the demands of a real job even one that can be simplified, BUT he’s not dumb and was very easily able to catch on that it wasn’t real work. He was in the Army-a soldier! He understands work. So…there’s another way we can take the program that we’re going to try and see how it goes. I’ll update more about that when we know more!

I had put it out there for all of you to “like” the Facebook page for The Darling Project, but I think I may have done something wrong when I created the page? No idea. So…if you click HERE it will direct you to the site and then you can sign in and like it! There’s not much to update on there as of now because we’re at the very beginning, but the prayer is that eventually there will be lots happening and lots to update! :o)

Teresa said OT was great on Wednesday! She said his fine motor coordination and speed with his right hand is still improving but still significantly slower than his left. We’re not sure if he hasn’t been feeling good lately or if something is going on that we can’t figure out, but he’s had some sinus issues and his left eye is closing a lot more. He already has a hard time with his right eye staying open so with both closed…therapy is more difficult.

On Wednesday night he had PT. He’s only been getting it once a week for a while now because of his toleration level. His mom had come over to visit a little before and all of us were talking until I brought up that Carly was coming soon, but we still had time for a game. Cale asked me who Carly was and I told him she was his PT. He then said, “My babysitter?” His answer surprised me and I reassured him she wasn’t his babysitter, but then he quickly added, “Adult-sitter.” One thing that I’ve tried to be very guarded and protected about has been keeping from Cale his need to always have someone with him. He already thinks of himself so much as a little boy, I don’t want to add to that or bring him down! This distracted me and made my mind race, but quickly had to pull together so we could start our Skip-Bo game. This was a good thing to hear him point out on his own because it shows even more awareness but also so hard and sad to hear. His awareness is still in and out so much it’s hard to know in each minute where he’s at, but every glance into him becoming more aware is such a good sign!

He ended up having a fairly good session with Carly. I think he’s only doing about an hour at this point before he’s on overload, but hopefully we can get that boosted a little. Just about everything he does right now ends up being therapeutic in some form…even video games!

I wanted to also point out all the changes and “stuff” on the right side of the blog…

1) The button on the top right you can click if you want to join The Darling Project. It’s just full of information as far as who to contact. It also has the link for Facebook.

2) Then I have the button that you can click on to read the post that TJ did right after our accident explaining what happened. It also has some random info on us and a little note to all of you. :o)

3) Next is our contact info. I love, love, LOVE getting all of the emails and cards you send. I can’t always reply, but please know I read EVERY one and they make me smile!

4) Next is our button. If you have a blog and would like to share our blog on yours, this is a great way to do it! I actually have no idea how they work…but, I at least feel smarter with it ready to share with you! Haha!

5) The email prayingforcale@yahoo.com was started for the prayer chain we had made to go around his room at the hospital. The idea was that when he started becoming more aware, he would have a visual of all the people praying for him. I have to tell you, I have continued to receive emails of people praying from all over and every time I check it out, I’m humbled in a way that I never understood before. There are literally people ALL over the world praying for us. This amazes me. Blows my mind. Thank you Jesus.

6) This is a button that you can click that has videos from throughout our journey. I love looking back and watching these from time to time. The healing and progress that has happened day by day in my husband is indescribable. God has richly blessed us!

7) There are two ways that you can follow us! This next button is through your Google account.

8) The second way is through your email. Just type in your email and click submit.

I know you probably already know about all the goodies on the side, but in case you never messed with any of it or didn’t notice the few changes, now you’ll know! :o)

Cale is in speech therapy right now. They’re at the table and I’m all cozy here on the couch getting to listen to them, but also have my legs kicked up on the couch tucked under a warm quilt.

Happy Friday!

updates AND BIG news!!!!!!!!!!!!

2012-01-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

I’m not quite sure how it happens, but every day speeds through and all of a sudden it’s been almost a week since I’ve posted anything! Yikes!

Let’s see, since I’ve last posted…

I had my dentist appointment. At Cale’s appointment Dr. L kept encouraging him to breathe through his nose. As I sat back in the chair I repeated to myself the very same words. My question is can any of you tell when you’re breathing through your nose?! With my mouth wide open and all these gadgets going in, I’m not sure when I’m breathing let alone if it’s coming through my nose. I was stumped the entire appointment. Not sure why this is the first time I’ve been so bothered with this ordeal before. Ha!

I had another phone call about all the transition “stuff” I feel even better after it! It’s all going to be a big change, but I know we’ll be provided for!

I found a really great tea shop (well, a friend had told me about it!) here in Kennewick. The lady that greeted me very sweetly also spent a good amount of time helping me choose several delicious flavors of tea. If you have time and love tea or know of someone who would enjoy some tea leaves…I think you should stop by the Badger Canyon Herb Company on Edison. Super tasty!

Not that I’m advertising for companies or anything, but I just thought maybe I’d share a couple of my favorites. So, the second place that I LOVE to go to is the Kennewick Coffee Co. in downtown Kennewick. I have actually been a little anti coffee lately. I’m not sure what made the switch; I think I just realized I only like it if it’s extremely sweet. And, I absolutely love Hazelnut creamer…guilty. Anyways, I’ve just been getting a steamer when I go to this adorable little shop and YUM! My two favorites are Bees Knees and Big Fat Cat. The young couple that own the shop also paint and have their art set up all over. Oh goodness. The place just makes me super happy! I look forward to the next tasty drink right after I finish one! You should try it next time your downtown on Kennewick Ave…or maybe find a reason to be down that way! ;o)

Moving on…

On Thursday while I was gung ho on the elliptical, it started to make a really loud noise and then got really bumpy and then the arm thing came off. Dangerous. I stopped and called the place that had delivered it. They showed up Friday morning to check it out and said that it looks to be a defective piece. Thankfully I found out today that it’s still under warranty so we don’t have to pay. The bad news is that it’s out until end of next week because they had to order a new piece. For some reason the workout equipment being down has meant the snack basket is available? Not sure. I’ve kind of attacked it the last few days…I’m pretty sure Cale won’t miss all the candy bars he’s had hidden in there! He’s pretty happy he doesn’t have to do it for a while!

In OT Cale has been working on his fine motor skills. It’s amazing to see how far he’s come, but I know still so frustrating when he can’t get his hands to work the way he’s trying to make them work. Teresa does an awesome job of adding in fun and creative ways to keep him interested and engaged.

Friday night my sister took me to Famous Dave’s for my birthday. My nephew works there and after the ice cream was brought out, a pink pig followed! I didn’t know at first that it was Mark so when I saw the pig coming my way I wanted to bolt. He behaved himself and didn’t embarrass me too much! If you notice my face is red in the picture! :o)

Saturday night we went to dinner with friends to celebrate mine and Joe’s birthday. It was fun and special. Do you remember all the posts and pictures of Joe and Beth? Well, they just recently became engaged. I cried…more than once. Oh. Dear. What can I say? I’m just a sap, but I’m pretty sure you already knew that about me. They asked Cale and I at dinner to be in their wedding, which is so sweet and again, so special! I’m super excited for them and we love them so much!

Last year shortly after coming home, we had gotten the news that we were going to have to be leaving again to Seattle. Many of you may remember how the news crushed me. I was so super bummed. All I wanted was to be home-NOT back in a hospital or having to do appointments every day. I struggled and vented and then finally decided I was going to have to make the best of it. Cale and I actually ended up having a great time and were able to do a lot. While we were back in Seattle, our church family was here at home doing life together groups. Every January and June anyone who wants to sign up will get put with a group and during the month they’ll meet together once a week. I remember it was one of the things that made me so upset to leave home again. We were going to miss out on the groups. Well, it’s January and guess what we’re getting to do? Yep! We started our first life together group on Sunday night. It really put in perspective for me the big picture and how at the time it was such a huge deal to miss them, BUT was it really a big deal? Here we are getting to be a part of them! Ours has already been a blast…part of the entertainment was Cale arm wrestling our Pastor! :o)

Facebook has the new page that is set up as a timeline. At first I thought it was dumb, but then after thinking about it, I tried it out to see if it would be easy to go back to before the accident. It totally is! This opened up a whole new world for my heart to enter in. It’s always bittersweet going back into a memory of a different life. I have to say it was almost cozy this time which may be a funny word, but I was able to look back to some of the things Cale had put on my page. One comment I found, I knew I needed to share…

“You are a buttface. But a cute buttface, and in spite of your buttface-ness, I love you.” –Cale

I don’t remember the story that went with this comment, but I know it was me being playful with my husband and him playing right back. Sweet memories!

We were out and about this evening taking food to a family in our church and when we returned this was sitting waiting for Cale…

He’s a happy man. Thank you whoever left this sweet (crazy!) gift for him! :o)

KEEP READING FOR BIG NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything I’ve written so far tonight has been easy peasy, but what I’m about to write, I need you to know ahead of time that this is me stepping out in a way similar to Peter stepping out on the water. My heart has just started pounding and I’m seriously considering to just stop…

But, I’m just gonna press on and ask that you hang on with me and let me spill it all out. Here I go.

For those of you that don’t know, the house that we’re in right now belongs to our church and is only a temporary home. We knew this coming back to Kennewick, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve tried to let that little detail slip. There is a man in our church who is a Veteran and who also has a really big heart. He has decided that he wants to bless us by getting a mortgage-free home for us. We at this point have no idea what this is going to look like, whether it’s a foreclosure that gets fixed up, a building company, or building from ground up.

As you know, this is NOT a small project and honestly, Frank has been asking for months for me to put something on the blog about it. Some of you have maybe even talked with me about it and I’m sure when we had spoken, I didn’t have the best attitude about it. It’s been one of those things that I have literally cried over with Mama telling her that I don’t want to have to ask people to help us. I know so many people have already invested so much into our lives that getting a house is way too much. It’s definitely been a journey just in this idea…

After several weeks of praying specifically about this and after some very detailed and intense prayer times, I know that my biggest hold up of not wanting to start this project and put anything out there is because I have a fear of no response. I know that all of you have your own financial struggles-that’s reality. I also know that we are just people. There’s nothing we’ve done to deserve such a gift. I also know that even though I’ve seen the Lord work miracle after miracle in our lives and in others’ I’ve also been in the back of my mind thinking about how this project is too big for anyone to do, this thought was followed with “even for God” as hard as that is to admit.

Obviously I do know that NOTHING is too big for God. Not Cale’s brain injury, living a life of joy in the midst of a trial, OR getting us a home.

I had decided a few weeks ago that I was finally going to post. I still have been nervous and been asked a few people to be praying…silly huh?

I want you to know that in NO way by me putting all of this out there and telling you about the project that I expect you to all get involved. I’m letting you know this big deal of thing in our life and if you want to pray about how you can join, that would be awesome. With not knowing what God is going to turn this into, it’s hard to know what the need is. Frank has said that the first step is getting funding.

Do you know a creative way that you can be a part of this?
Is there a fundraiser or another way your church or a group you’re a part of can be involved?

The next part if it becomes a building or remodeling type of project is helpers.

Are you handy with tools?
Is there a team in your church or your family and friends that would love to serve in this way?

The big time need is prayer-always.

Is this something you would be willing to commit to pray for?
Would your church be willing to host a prayer night for this project? Friends? Family?

The contact person for The Darling Project is September Theriault. She was the amazingness behind getting this home ready for us and is ready to take on this next project! For anything she can’t answer, she will direct questions to Frank.

If you look on the right side of the blog, there’s a button to click to join The Darling Project with ALL the info! We also have a Facebook page that we would love to have you “like” and be able to stay updated and have a place to share your thoughts and ideas!

The last two days while doing my quiet time, it was about trust. Yesterday morning I read in my devotional, “Instead of trying to fight your fears, concentrate on trusting me (Jesus).” And then today one line was, “Rather than planning and evaluating, practice trusting and thanking me continually.” The Lord continues to amaze me in how He knows exactly what we need to hear and what each of our struggles are.

I’m stepping out on the water and choosing to trust.

Some of our days...

2012-01-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

This picture just makes me happy! :)

On Tuesday Cale helped his therapist to set up a weight bench that had been given to us. It was delivered in a big intimidating box, so I haven't worked up the guts to try myself. It took them less than 15 minutes! He used some weights and as you can see...we happen to love the Wing's!

I've been working on some crafty things again. I had to replace the Christmas stuff that was outside! Soon I'll have my spring flowers back out front! :) For now, it's a wee bit wintery. Of course, the weather here has felt like spring on a few days!

These things in my head seemed like they were going to be easy.

That was in my head! Haha! I had gotten my idea from this picture on Pinterest...

I didn't want to use Christmas trees, but wanted something to last until Spring. I still love the idea in the picture, so maybe next year. Anyways, it all started with Kathy and I looking for sticks in a big pile behind her house. Many of them had thorns and we were poked! Then came the actual sorting and painting...more pokes and laughs with Mama this time. I think I like how it turned out and the excitement and thrilling experience that came with it makes it even better! :)

Cale went to the Dentist on Wednesday. He proclaimed many times during his appointment that he hates the dentist! Dr. L gave him a break for a couple minutes and then we got him finished up! My appointment is tomorrow...yuck.

Over the last couple days I have been feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to be done and the transition between active duty and VA. There are so many documents...calls...questions. It seems like there are so many things left that are still up in the air and the time is closing in on us. I was on the phone this morning for 2.5 hours trying to get some of it worked out. Whew. Mama also helped me finish up organizing my stacks of paper today which helped ease my frazzled mind. Nice.

It was an emotional day at points, but how can you not smile when it ends like this...

Birthday Gift...the best.

2012-01-02T22:18:00.000-08:00

This morning when my alarm went off, I was squeezed between Basil and Cale. I shifted and moved trying to wiggle my way out without waking the sleeping man, but right as my feet were hitting the floor, Cale grabbed my arm and said in his sleepy voice, “what day is it?” k: “I don’t know. What day is it? C: “I don’t know. New Years?” k: “Well, what day was it yesterday? C: “New Year’s Eve? K: “Yesterday was New Year’s Day.” Cale answered back quickly, “Then today is your birthday. Happy Birthday!”

He had been mixed up on what day, but he knew it was a special day! He said Happy Birthday before me telling him! Even on Christmas or any other holiday since the accident I’ve had to tell him what day it was…this was so exciting and the perfect birthday gift! It totally made my day.

The rest of the day was all normal stuff. I did get to go to coffee with Sage a friend that I haven’t talked with in way too long. It was a sweet time and brought back more good memories! My husband telling me happy birthday on his own…that was amazing and I’m not sure much more could have topped that!

25 Things Kathleen

1) I love the Lord.
2) I don’t really have favorites. I change my mind constantly on things I like. I have things that I really like, but have me choose a favorite…impossible!
3) I absolutely love music.
4) I want to become a better hostess. I always think of things I should have done once our company leaves…
5) If you didn’t already know, I am madly in love with my husband and always will be-always!
6) I want a baby.
7) Chocolate is super yummy.
8) I’m an open book. Spend just a little time with me and you’ll most likely get more info then you wanted. ;o)
9) I enjoy eating.
10) I’m fascinated with sunsets.
11) I love traveling, but I also love coming home just as much.
12) I burp.
13) I like to pretend I’m on TV while I cook.
14) Pretty things make me happy.
15) Getting mail (not bills!) makes me smile.
16) I love summer more than winter, but I like winters clothes more.
17) Laughing with my husband is one of the best things in the world.
18) I can’t really sing on tune or great at all, but I love singing!
19) I love things homemade.
20) Simple things are some of the most treasured.
21) I could eat a slice of pie every day.
22) I was born in Washington.
23) I’ve learned that some friends are just surface friends…the keepers are the ones that are willing to go deep and stay.
24) I was crazy and married when I was 18 and haven’t regretted it for a second.
25) I am SO blessed and am so thankful for ALL of you!

(I was going to do this on Cale’s birthday but being in San Diego and the crazy day it was, I didn’t get the chance!)

Cale played Monopoly in therapy today. His therapist said he needed help, but he was the banker! He was able to play for 90 minutes before shutting down! That’s another huge step! We used to have a running Monopoly game going through the weekends at Drum…good memories and I believe another running game will be happening soon!

Thank you for all of the calls, emails, texts, Facebook comments and cards! You all made my day special!

Everything.

2012-01-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

Happy 2012! The last few days I’ve had an extra excitement for this year to come. I just know it’s going to be great! I think part of it may be that I’m coming at it from a different angle…my focus isn’t just on Cale’s healing and progress. I’m definitely not putting that on the back burner by any means and I for sure look forward to all that’s to come, but…it’s not my focus anymore.

The Holy Spirit started working on my heart today from the moment I opened my eyes. I didn’t crawl into bed until 12:30 and then it always takes me a bit to fall asleep. I know many of you were still out and about at that time, but normally I’m already cuddled up to my man by that time. When my alarm went off I dreaded the idea of getting out of bed and having to get dressed and ready for church. The thought of sleeping in danced in my mind. When I tried to wake Cale, he gave me the same kind of response that was just a thought for me. He did NOT want to get up. He had gone to bed about 9pm, but didn’t sleep well at all. That of course meant that I didn’t sleep, so with all of this in my thoughts I began to justify skipping church. All the while another thought kept popping up…it’s the first day of 2012, do I really want to start it by sleeping in or by worshipping the Lord?

I finally told Cale that I would get up and get showered and then come back to wake him. He wasn’t exactly happy with the idea, but he agreed. While we were in a rush to get ready since we had already set the alarm as late as possible, Cale yelled for me to come quickly. He had an accident and not once while I cleaned pee off my bathroom floor did I have any kind of frustration, anger, bitterness, or sadness. Rather, I felt joy for being able to care for my husband. Now, I can’t always say that feeling “joy” in a moment like that has been my experience, but I know that I love this man so much that I’m willing to do whatever is needed and always have been.

When we arrived at church, again I felt so full…full of…I don’t even know! Within minutes I was already so grateful that we had decided to be there. Cale was tired, but I knew he was glad too. Worship started and I immediately knew service was going to be good. I don’t want to get stuck using churchy words, but the only way I can think to describe what was taking place was the Holy Spirit prompting me. I felt His presence so personally.

One of the songs that came on was Lead Me to the Cross. This one never fails to bring me to a place of wanting to just hand the Lord everything. Especially when I hear my husband belting all the words! Oh man.

As I sang, Everything I once held dear I count it all as lost… a list of so many things that I held so dear to me, that seemed so important, I honestly do count as lost. There are hard days and always will be, but more and more I think my perspective is becoming more about the Kingdom and how things here are so fleeting. Dustin our Pastor was talking this morning on how we focus so much on safety and security and how many people have said that the safest place to be is in the will of God. He pointed out that all throughout scripture we see that His will isn’t “safe.” It’s the best place to be, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be comfortable.

The New Year is a time when a lot of people make resolutions and goals for what they want for the next year. I certainly have many hopes and dreams that I hope come with this year, but one thing I want is to be brought to my knees daily; brought to the cross. After writing that in my notes during the sermon, my very next thought was that it’s not realistic to expect a powerful mountain moving time with the Lord every day and then I stopped myself-why not?! Why can’t we have that? He desires that for us! He longs for it! The creator of the universe WANTS to have over the top amazing DAILY moments with YOU!

Gets me all excited even as I type.

Our Pastor talked about Genesis 12:1-3 and Leave, Go, and Bless. He challenged us and I want to also challenge you: to start this new year what is God asking you to LEAVE behind so that you can GO in the direction He has for you so that you can BLESS others?

These words as he spoke and thought about what we needed to leave behind and what was holding us back from all that God wanted to do through us hit me. I knew exactly what it was and I didn’t want to give it up. I found my way to the alter and surrendered. Through tears and brokenness, I handed over the one thing I’ve been holding onto so tightly, but knowing all along that I can’t move forward if I don’t cut the ties.

When I found my way back, I had no idea what condition my mascara was in, but I did know that as I stood next to the man next to me, my heart swelled with the fullness of love I have for him. God is so good.

After church we took down all of our Christmas decorations and then later ate a super tasty meal! We had Janis and the girls over so after are bellies were stuffed to the max, I busted out the finger nail polish and we painted our finger nails! :o) Cale sat that activity out! Haha! He actually was given a couple different video games for Christmas by family and played away!

This evening has been perfect with Cale. At one point I just held him in a really long hug. We were having so much fun and laughing together in such a special way…I’m so blessed!

Backing up…

Friday morning I had been on the elliptical while Cale was still sleeping. When I finished, I grabbed my water bottle and walked out of the workout room and out of the corner of my eye I saw a body. My water bottle went flying and I hit the ground! Cale was standing there and I’m thankful it was him because if it happened to be a bad guy…well, falling over wouldn’t have done me much good! Cale laughed so hard!

After getting up and both of us laughing hysterically, I told him that once I finished stretching we would need to get showered. Cale quickly said he couldn't shower. When I asked why he said, “I’m sick” and started making vomit noises! He was faking it and again we laughed so hard!

I’ve been working on a few more projects since all the Christmas decorations were going to be coming down. It feels good to be excited about making things and decorating again. I used to make a bunch of crafty things and make pretty desserts but since the accident, well, I just haven’t thought too much or really wanted to. I think doing the baby shower and the bridal shower got me all excited again!

Friday night I made Carrot Orange Ginger Soup. Mama had made it a couple months ago and I loved it! I’ve been thinking about it ever since and finally decided it needed to be made again. So…ginger is strong. I added too much ginger-TOO MUCH! Have you ever tasted ginger so strong that it made your nose run? Ahhh! Toooooo MUCH! We’ll be trying that one again soon.

We ran a couple errands yesterday and decided to stop for a couple pictures. It was so sunny and beautiful outside and the last day of 2011. Totally perfect for pictures…right?!

Last night we went to some friends’ house for food and games. I questioned how well Cale would do, but I thought it would be fun even for a short time. It didn’t take long before I started seeing signs and then about 2 hours later he was done. Mama and I laughed as we drove away because it was only 8:30 and we were already on our way home! Big partiers we are! ;o)

As we were repacking the Christmas stuff today, Mama found some wrapping paper I made years ago…I’ll have to think about doing that again! :o)

I’ve been mega impressed with Cale’s memory lately. It’s not consistent, but a huge improvement! He has been surprising me all over the place. Love it…love him!

We're thankful for a cozy bed that we get to both sleep in tonight...right next to each other! SO much better than a hospital!

Goodbye 2011!

2011-12-31T23:41:00.000-08:00

Cale’s Surgery

http://caledarling.blogspot.com/2011/01/321blast-off.html

Left Palo Alto

Seattle

http://caledarling.blogspot.com/2011/02/new-dayand-again-tomorrow.html

Trip to NC

http://caledarling.blogspot.com/2011/03/flightlots-of-adventures-and-now-nc.html

HOME!!!!!!!!

Back to Seattle-Radiation

http://caledarling.blogspot.com/2011/05/crossing-bridge.html

Cale’s 25th Birthday

http://caledarling.blogspot.com/2011/09/birthday-party.html

San Diego

http://caledarling.blogspot.com/2011/09/birthday-and-surfing.html

NY

http://caledarling.blogspot.com/2011/10/our-trip-so-far.html

These are just a few highlights of the year...there are so many! Too many to count! God has blessed us beyond what we could have ever imagined or planned ourselves. Thank you for being a part of our journey...our life...our story. We are so thankful for you!

I KNOW this next year is going to be GREAT! I can't wait to see all the richness that will come because we belong to Jesus. He is the recipe for great richness!

Happy New Year from The Darling's! :o)

Ended up being about my thoughts...

2011-12-30T07:59:00.001-08:00

After my last post I told myself that I really wanted to try to get back to posting more often…maybe not daily, but close. The blog started as a way to keep all of you updated on Cale’s progress, but when all of our friends and family went back home and it was just me to update, I didn’t have it in me to write just for “you” I needed an outlet and that started me writing for “me” in a not mean and selfish way. It became the tool that I started to use to help me process and dump everything I was feeling; good or bad. It’s become a blessing and a way that I’ve been able to be reminded of very specific moments because I had recorded in more detail of all the changes that were taking place in Cale.

Well, lately taking and finding the time to write has been a challenge. No longer can I go back to a room alone at night and pour everything out. I now (YAY!) get to cuddle in bed with my sweet husband until sleep overtakes us. During the day, I can’t just sit in a hospital room while my husband lays next to me unaware of all of his surroundings because he’s home! And our home needs to be taken care of. It’s just been one of the things that haven’t been priority lately-and that is OK! I still miss getting to capture all of the daily details, but I’d much rather be busy with home stuff and my husband then being in a hospital!!

Cale had done a week trial working at church. He says that his work is dumb stuff, but he went all that week and worked hard to finish everything. On Wednesday he picked up his pay from church and with an excited face he opened the envelope to pull out his earnings. I asked how much and he counted to make sure it was all there which was $81. “How much do I get?” was my second question. Cale looked down at his money and handed me the one dollar bill. Ha! It was hilarious! After that he did say that I could have all of it or as much as I wanted because I work so hard too. Then of course after the laughter that Doreen, Mama, and I just had we then all said together, “Aww!” He is so sweet!

Since we’ve been back home, I still-STILL have not organized and filed all of the paperwork that has been in stacks all over the house. I had stacks in drawers, on our desk, in a box, and many more random places. Some of it is really important documents that I need now to finish up Cale getting out of the Army and transitioning to VA, but I haven’t been able to find it. Uh…what stack is it in?! So…my mission became getting organized and Mama jumped on board. We worked some on Tuesday and then spent a good chunk on Wednesday filing and throwing out junk papers. Wow. It’s been somewhat of a mess, but we’re getting it done!

When the accident happened, we were on a search for the POA I had while Cale was deployed. I knew that it would have still been good and I knew I had it somewhere, but wasn’t sure where it would have been. The Army said they needed it, the hospital asked about it, but since we searched (everywhere!) with no luck to find it, I had to do the temporary guardianship at one point. Things smoothed out, BUT the guardianship thing was a nightmare and one of the worst moments since the accident and life would have been a lot smoother if that wouldn’t have had to take place. I was completely stumped as to where it could be. Mama was going through papers and handed me a POA. The one we have now is in our lock box so I looked it over closer and it was the POA that I had needed! It was from his deployment in 2009 and expires this month! Oh man. I have no idea where it came from or how it got in the folder it was in, but there it was…maybe I needed to go through and experience what I had without it? Yikes.

I also looked through the little file box I had started in NC while Cale was inpatient at Pitt and found a folder I had created that read, “Things to do when Cale wakes up.” This got me. Sigh. He never just woke up like we so hoped for in those early days…there is still fog.

I wish there was a way for me to get my whole mind to see all the blessings and how great things are with him. Life with him, even though not what we had planned or ever thought, is still so wonderful because we’re together. He does have daily anger explosions, which come in many forms. Some all I can do is laugh like the other night when the Wings had started the game behind. Cale had gotten so mad he was stomping and throwing pillows and Basil’s toy. I turned my head because of my laughter and Mama watching the whole thing knowing if she laughed or if he saw me laughing it would make it worse, so she asked me questions to get my mind off of the fit. He calmed and the Wings ended up winning! Other times I can’t laugh because I feel so sad for him, so sad he has to go through this. His overall mood is fun and sweet and that’s what makes this last month a lot less challenging than the month before that. His explosions become energy zappers for me, but we’ve learned and have been able to work through them until they pass. It’s not always “easy” but we do it, we get through and move on to the next emotion.

Most days I can be totally fine and understand the work the Lord has done through all of this and the (many) blessings that have been poured on us, but it takes just a second to think about how much I miss him, how much has changed, how different our life looks, seeing his handwriting, reading a letter, thinking of one of his quirks…and the tears come, the pain burns, and the hurt is thick.

I try to remind myself in 2 Corinthians 5:1-5 it says, For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[a] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.

This is not our home and Cale will be free of TBI one day. In verse 9 it says, So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. Yes, our goal is to please him. I was talking with Rachel last Friday about how it still seems unbelievable that the accident happened. We both were saying when we really let ourselves think about it, it seems so unreal. I was telling her about how sometimes it feels as though Cale died when we were in the car that day. It may seem terrible to say that, but even with some of his similar humor coming out, he’s a different man. I think about some of the people that have died in the last year and how they’re dancing with Jesus, but I can’t say that about Cale. I can’t say that he’s experiencing no more pain, no more hurt, because he is. He still is. I love that he’s still here with me, I’m not saying I don't, but I do miss him so much. I’ve heard many times that time heals wounds, but what I find with this wound is that sometimes it feels like it never closes up and time is like someone keeps drenching it with Hydrogen Peroxide. It burns.

I long for heaven when my man will be whole. I long so badly to see, to hold, and to kiss my husband that I had before TBI became a part of our lives.

Until then, I’m going to be thankful for the new fresh love that the Lord has made possible for my Boy who does live with a TBI and for the many ways that we are so blessed for the marriage that we still have and for how amazing it is to have a home with him and have thoughts of starting a family…

God is good.

I got sidetracked. Oops.

Yesterday while Cale was in Speech, I was able to get away and have lunch with two ladies that I love. Brandi and her mom Terri have been in my life for many many years and since the accident have been an amazing support and encouragement. Terri has sent emails, commented on the blog, sent cards, come to visit. She’s a blessing.

After lunch I went across the street to the mall to return and exchange a few of our Christmas gifts. I had bought Cale a pair of shoes that I loved and hoped that he would love. On Christmas he did tell me that the shoes he was wearing were better than the ones I bought, but last night after getting the right size (He wears an 11 in shoe, but needed a 10 in this brand.) he liked them more. I have a feeling his opinions of them are going to change with his mood! :o) He had also given me a gift card for the same place and since they were having a sale, I decided to look around. After picking out two items, I (without the help of my husband!) managed to embarrass myself…yet again! The guy that helped me with Cale’s shoes very nicely came over to see if I needed help with anything and without thinking before speaking I asked, “Do I need your help to try these on?” By the look on his face…I knew I had mixed up my words and then quickly tried to cover up, “Uh, I mean, um, do I need the, um, key for the room?” Oh my goodness. With weird look still printed on his face and mine completely red, I followed to the dressing room while wondering if I should just bolt.

Here’s another good laugh…

I love this song.

Our 4 days of Christmas…and other stuff.

2011-12-27T17:54:00.000-08:00

Here is everything once again in a nutshell…

We had a visit to the doctors on Wednesday to get his leg checked out. After having his doc look at it, he sent us over to get an x-ray done. Cale managed to humiliate me in the waiting room…funny story. Ask me sometime about it.

We were being goofy while the guy was prepping Cale for each x-ray. At one point he put this pad like thing over part of Cale’s leg. It was a smaller size and had straps hanging from every side of it. The guy had left the room and I asked Cale what the pad was. Cale quickly stuck it on his head and said, “A hat!” he left it there until the guy walked back in the room!

On Thursday night we had Christmas with my mom’s best friend and her family. One of the traditions with them and then with Cale is making graham cracker candy houses. Last year we were at the hospital and they used the gingerbread kits, but it was almost the same feeling. ;o) It was fun this year…but so very different then all our years past. Reality check #1.

On Friday we spent most of the day with Mike, Rachel, and Mike’s brother Heath. Rachel and I had been really missing each other and a girl day together. We first all exchanged gifts and then headed out for lunch. After getting our bellies full to the brim of yummy Red Robin goodness, we then put of our Christmas finest (heehee!) and had our picture taken with Santa!

Oh yeah. It was awesome. We spent the rest of the day having fun, laughing, being lazy, and of course….eating more!

Saturday morning after getting up, I worked out so that when I stuffed my face with a whole bunch of goodies I wouldn’t feel so bad. And that’s exactly what happened! Once all of us were up and going, we had our little Christmas with Mama. She spent Christmas with her best friend and we spent it with Cale’s family, so our gift opening came early. Cale had fun opening gifts…and so did I! :o) He was really sweet with the gifts he picked out. Right after we finished, we (sort of) cleaned everything up and then we went to his mom’s house to exchange gifts with his sister. It was the only time we were going to get to see her and the kiddos. It wasn’t too long before we were off again to our Christmas Eve service at church. This is always one of my favorite parts of celebrating Christmas every year. Our night didn’t stop after the service…we then headed to a Christmas party that Cale’s extended family has every year. It was a lot of fun and even though it was a crazy busy day and there was a lot of noise, Cale did great! We had to leave suddenly when I saw the mood go south, but for the most part it was a GREAT day! At one point while we were sitting around our table, I looked around the room and the memories of the first time we had gone to the party together flooded my heart. Reality check #2.

Christmas morning we slept in until it was just about time for me to wake up. When I walked in the kitchen, Mama was up making pancakes! Yum! I’m totally ok with starting my morning with a stack of fluffy goodness. My sister and her family showed up and we all went to church together. We exchanged gifts with them after church and then Cale and I were out the door…again! We went back to his mom’s house for Christmas dinner with his family. His brother Ty and his family were also here visiting which made everything extra fun. Before food was served, Cale was bored and reaching max of just hearing all the noise around him. I led him to the dining room and started a game of Crazy 8’s with him while I listened to all the talking and business in the other room. Reality check #3.

This time the tears came. Things are different. Last year we were in the hospital and every part of our lives was different. It wasn’t a natural living circumstance, but now we’re home. Now is when reality every day hits. When I am just sitting in a room alone with my husband playing cards, unable to visit with everyone because my husband can’t handle it, when normally he would have been out there being the jokester is hard. I wasn’t expecting it to be an emotional day. I wasn’t expecting to miss him so much this last week…but I did. I missed him so badly that it hurt.

Nikki came in and joined our game. She gave me a sweet understanding smile which somehow helped smooth out my rocky emotions. I’m not sure if my tears are what triggered my allergy’s to act up (is that possible?) but shortly after we ate, my nose went bonkers! I was dripping from the eyes and the nose and it wasn’t from crying! I was sneezing over and over and suddenly all I wanted was a pillow. I tried to keep having fun and visiting because…well, it was Christmas!

We ate, played games, and watched a movie. It was very late before we made it home and I was TIRED! Cale always needs some transition time before he can go to bed at night so we were up until about 1am. If there was nothing going on yesterday it wouldn’t have been so bad but he had therapy at 11! My alarm went off at 6am, 6:30, 7am, and then I finally turned it off…but then fell back asleep! I heard Mama come home at 10 and jumped out of bed! Yikes! The whole day zoomed by and I felt behind on everything. I didn’t get much done, but I guess after all of our excitement I needed time to recover and so did Cale!

Randoms…

Cale started telling me his leg was hurting again except this time it was in a different spot. I took a look and found a weird something. Not sure if it’s a bite or what it is, but it is a little infected. It’s really bothering him and after a call to the doctor, we’re supposed to wait a couple days before bringing him in. Another thing? Really?! Poor guy…

The new program I had mentioned a couple weeks ago for Cale has kind of started. Not exactly, but we’ve started a trial for part of it. It’s an independent program that will hopefully help him to feel like he’s the man of the house again. One part of the program is getting him to “work” again. We wanted to find something that he could do that he would be able to tolerate. Also, something that would work with him having someone right there to help him and that we could fake his pay. We had a meeting with our Pastor at church about the possibilities and he jumped on board right away willing to do whatever was needed. He may think differently after all that’s involved, but at least for now he’s game! :o)

We’ve done just 1 hour trials and so far he’s been doing so good with it! So far we've come up with a few jobs for him like stuffing bulletins and fixing all the stuff in the pews. His therapists helped me come up with a plan as far as how much he’s going to get paid and a simple budget for him. I’m going to give our Pastor the cash every 2 weeks and he’s going to put it in an envelope for Cale to pick up and then Cale will have I think we decided 4 envelopes to divide his pay into. One of them is a baby fund!

We’re not having to spend more of our income because what he’s getting out of our account is going right back in and he’s getting to feel like he’s helping! We haven’t started the budgeting and actual schedule until after the first of the year…so we’ll see!

On Tuesday his mom was over visiting and had asked what he had done that day. Normally his response is that he doesn’t remember or doesn’t know, but last week he was able to give her some details!!!!! He told her how he worked at church and a few specific tasks he had done! WOW!!!! This is so HUGE!!!! It’s such a big deal that he was able to remember and give detail! Yeah!!!! No help either because she didn’t know. When I came into the room later to tell her about his day, he had already told her! Praise God! He hasn’t been able to do it since that night, but once it happens, it opens up the gateway! So super exciting!!!

While we were at the mall with Mike and Rachel, Cale walked without his cane the entire time AND just walked around. He doesn’t have a perfect walk and he can’t always keep up, but he tried so hard to walk all by himself and be cool like the guys. Rachel and I had a blast watching him try so hard. It made me so proud of him because he worked so hard.

His new favorite phrase is “Golly gee willikers” thanks to Mama. She said it one day while playing a game of Crazy 8’s and he has been saying it ever since!

I've been spending quite a bit of time with this little guy...and he's been melting my heart! I'm a mush!

Today he had a really great speech session. Doreen did a lot of word stuff with him and he didn’t just get through the session, but he really works hard and keeps going. At one point she had him try to make a list of pets and he said, “Ostrich.” And then he laughed really hard. Haha!

The tears did come, the emotions were high strung, and I had my reality checks, BUT even with all that stuff dished on the side, the main course is incredible. I have my husband home with me-NOT in a hospital, and we spent some amazing time with family. Cale is continuing to heal and make progress and every night I get to fall asleep with him.

This girl…

...LOVES!

This boy…

I hope you all had a very special Christmas just like we were blessed with!

December 25th

2011-12-25T12:39:00.000-08:00

I have a TON to post, but for now...

:)

One of those good kind of dreams...

2011-12-20T07:31:00.000-08:00

Right before waking up this morning I was having a dream that Cale and I were attending some kind of worship conference. There was a little prayer time before the music started. Cale was sitting in front of me and when everyone stood to sing he turned to me and said, “All of my wishes are going to come true!” He had a great big smile and had to repeat a couple times for it to all come out clear. I asked him what wishes he was talking about and because of the music playing, he wasn’t able to focus enough to get the words out. He grabbed a paper and pen then wrote out “I will have a full life.” My heart started to pound and was followed by sobbing; all I could do was stare at the paper. When I was able to lift my head and look back into his face, he was still wearing a great big smile. We grabbed onto each other and started to pray.

This tender beautiful dream was broken by the blaring sound of Worth it All by Rita Springer on my alarm. I hit dismiss and tried so hard to get back to my dream, back to Cale telling me what God had shared with him during that sweet prayer time…

Man. What a way to start a day huh?

On Sunday afternoon I was tired and really the only thing I was thinking about was taking a nap. The problem is that I’m one of those people that if I take a nap, I usually wake up feeling worse and I then have trouble sleeping that night. There is always a lot to do around here, so I got to work.

Tonight there’s a cookie exchange here at my house and I wasn’t going to make or do a whole lot of decorating because my house is already pretty festive, but I did want to add a few small touches. At first when I started making the garland, Cale was playing Xbox and he also needed a Sunday afternoon nap, but he was refusing as well. After a little while he had gotten up and went to the room. It’s been a grumpy last few days because of the pain in his knee. I let him go and figured he was going to sleep. I kept on working and had moved onto another little project at this point. I needed something out of our spare room and while I was walking down the hall, I could tell Cale wasn’t sleeping, but what was he doing?

While I was being crafty, Cale was busy taking out all of his clothes out of his dresser! He just threw them on the bed. When I asked what he was doing he said, “I’m looking for something else to wear.” Uh…haha!

A couple hours later it was time for all of us to head to the Christmas program at church. Again, it’s been a grumpy last few days and I wasn’t sure what would be unleashed to everyone. Cale actually did very well. He was bored for most of it, but I was able to smile and refocus his attention to the music. Every time a song would come on that he knew, he would sing loudly right along with the performers! :)

Yesterday I was busy at church helping with a Giving Tree our church is doing. September is leading it this year and put me to work! Haha! As I was sorting, wrapping, and tagging all the presents, I couldn’t help but think about all the excited faces of all the children that were going to be receiving a gift. It's fun getting to be an elf!

Please be praying for Cale’s knee. The pain has gotten worse and he’s having a really hard time! I was able to get an appointment with the doc tomorrow morning. Poor guy!

I wanted to share a picture that WAS taken (thank you Becky!) of us dancing at the wedding! This was right before or after Cale had turned me…

Here and There...This and That!

2011-12-17T20:33:00.000-08:00

We're gonna take this day by day to get it all out! :)

Wednesday-

Cale’s OT brought a Whac-a-mole game to help work with hand-eye coordination. It’s been not only a “therapy tool” but also another thing fun for us to play together. It’s so interesting to see the difference between Cale’s left hand and right hand. After we played for a little bit, Cale said, “My left hand is faster and my right hand is stronger!” I sent his OT a text to tell her and she said he’s exactly right! His left hand is significantly more coordinated and his right hand has been gaining an incredible amount of strength. What was so fascinating about his statement was him being aware of the difference! That’s not a consistent thought pattern for him, but it is a break through! I took two videos for you to see the difference between the two…

Left hand...

Right hand...

All of you should know that Cale said “Hi” should be said with a high voice. “Hello” should be said with a low voice and “Hey” should be said with a medium voice. In case you have always wondered…

While we were lying in bed, I had been told that something had happened at Ft. Lewis. I did some investigating and found out there had been a chopper crash. My heart sunk. The soldiers that were killed had families…families that will have a whole different kind of Christmas than I know we’ll be enjoying. The community seems to have stepped up to the plate of supporting them, but nothing that can be given brings they’re soldier home. If you think of it, can you be praying for them? Not just them, but for all our military. There are still so many deployed that won’t be able to spend Christmas with their families. After watching the video of the crash online and reading about the soldiers that died, Cale said very quietly and clearly, “I’m sad for them. I’m so sad for them.”

Thursday-

On Thursday morning Cale was walking to the fridge to get milk. We have a smaller container I pour milk into that is easier for him to handle, but also makes it to where he has no idea he’s getting Almond milk. We’ve been trying to set things up and working on him being able to get his own bowl of cereal. Right now he’s still needing several cues, but he’s getting there! On his way to the fridge he said his leg hurt and as of today it still hurts him! It’s gotten worse rather than better. We thought it was most likely the metal rod that runs through his leg bothering him because of the weather change, but today he has been saying it’s when he bends and straightens it. I’ve been keeping a watch on it and will figure out if we need to have x-rays done. It’s made things a bit rough because it hurts and is bothering him, but he isn’t able to process that something is bothering him and what it is…so his mood goes downhill. Extra hugs and kisses are going his way to try to help ease the nerves!

Mama was asked to bake a pie for a wedding. We wanted the pie to be perfect so we made a couple before the real deal was baked. The first one was a flop, but I of course still enjoyed two pieces! We baked the second attempt on Thursday and this time it was a team effort! Cale was even willing to wear an apron for me! He didn’t love it…but he did it!

The man at work…

We messed up and had to restart!

A crust in the making!

The lovely team…

The pie turned out p.e.r.f.e.c.t. My taste buds were doing the happy dance and all was right in the Darling house!

While the pie was baking, a couple visitors stopped by with a couple sweet surprises! Dan had gone to Detroit for work and brought Cale a Datsyuk plaque! He lit up and was so happy! They also brought a pair of Red Wing’s earrings for the wife and a little bear that is wearing a Red Wing’s sweater. So sweet! We are so thankful that they thought of us and gifted us with such special things!

Several times a week we have a crazy chasing match in the Darling home. Cale usually starts it by getting Basil all worked up and then when he throws his toy I grab it and run. We always laugh and laugh and all three of us seem to bond more and more every time. It’s a blast. I wanted to share this excitement even though it may not be as exciting to you…ask anytime you’re over and we'll show you in person! Haha! ;)

That night the Red Wings played the Predators and lost. It was a pretty close game and in the third period the Predators had scored a goal tying it up and then made a second goal to win. Cale was so mad! I suggested a game of Whac-a-Mole to get some frustration out and he ended up getting 60 with his left hand! Record!!! His stress and frustrations caused the right hand to struggle even more, but super impressed with his left hand!

I was able to get him cheered up so he didn’t head for bed wanting to kill anyone. Once the lights were out and we were cuddled up, I started sharing stories from after the accident with him. It started with me feeling his scars and then I made a comment about one. He asked about them and we went over our frequent car accident conversation. This time I shared all the really funny stories of how he would somehow always get out of his mits and wrist restraints. I told him about how he used to be really sneaky and try to pull out his tubes and his successes! I told him about how he would try to take every ones rings off. How he was nicknamed Houdini and many more hilarious moments with him even when he was in a coma! He laughed the hardest I’ve heard in 2 years! I was laughing so hard my sides hurt and he kept saying, “I’m funny!” It was such a beautiful time and reminded me how there is so much good even in the bad situation. By God’s grace there is laughter through the pain. He cracks me up!

Friday-

My day started as many of my days do; in the Word. I read Psalm 139 which is a passage I’ve read time after time growing up. This time it hit a whole new area in my heart that seemed to bring refreshment to my day. There was a line in my devotional Jesus Calling that said, “Rejoice in the one who understands you completely and loves you perfectly.” After the accident one of my thoughts has been how I miss and how sad it is that Cale doesn’t know me anymore. He knows who I am (most days!) and he knows some little facts (sometimes!) about me, but before he actually knew me so well. He knew if something off with me instantly. He knew what I thought about things and knew what I wanted to say sometimes but wouldn’t. He knew my dreams and he knew my fears. I had a panic moment one day in ICU after being told that the doctors were unable to promise if he would remember me when he came out of his coma. What?! He’s the only person that knows me completely. The thought left me feeling really lonely even though I was surrounded by people that love me.

I was reminded after my quiet time that my Father knows me so much deeper than Cale ever could have. My heart is so full with the reminder!

GOD, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand. I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight. You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too— your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful— I can't take it all in! Psalm 139:1-4 (The Message)

The afternoon brought some super-duper excitement for Cale! A very sweet couple we had met in September at the Summer Sports Clinic decided to send a mega gift. They live in Michigan and were able to get a Datsyuk jersey signed for Cale!!!!!!! They even sent the marker he used to sign it with! Haha! Cale was tired because it was right after therapy, but he carried it around with him all day! It was adorable watching him and listening to him through the evening about how he had a jersey!

Opening Package...

More excitment...

Friday night we went to a Christmas party. We were supposed to go to one last weekend, but since I was sick we didn’t make it. I was excited to get to one! Cale was having a rough time before we went, but a stop to Mickey D’s and getting him filled with nuggets seemed to do the trick. It was a mix of people I knew and some I didn’t know. I normally would have gone around mingling more and introducing myself, but I had this giant zit on my chin that made me…well, self-conscious. I tried to cover it with some good ol’ makeup before going, but all I could think was how it had to be shining through. Dumb. About the time we were leaving, two ladies came up and introduced themselves and let me know they had been following our story. They were incredibly sweet and so encouraging! I was blessed once again and it was only a couple minutes talking with them. When I left I was thinking about how if only I would have ignored my insecurities I would have been able to meet them a lot sooner and would have been able to enjoy their company for longer! A coffee date will have to happen! :)

Saturday-

This morning Joe and Beth came over for breakfast. We ate cinnamon rolls and played Candy Land! It was fun getting to visit and laugh together.

Once they were out the door we were too! Today was a very special wedding for one of my treasured friends. Jo Beth is a complete example of a godly woman. I admire her and love her so much. It was a beautiful wedding filled with very strong emotions. The reception was fun and decorated perfectly. Cale and I shared a dance which of course I loved! It was extra sweet because his leg was hurting so bad, but he still danced at least one with his wife. He even twirled me a couple times! I’m so sad because I have no pictures of it! I should have handed Mama my camera to snap a couple, but I didn’t even think about it. Darn. Well, I have no pictures of it, but I do have that one saved in my memory box!

Cale has had a hard night. He’s now playing hockey with Karson. It’s really sweet because he’s trying to teach him, but Karson being 3 isn’t picking up the game too quickly. He’s doing way better than I would be doing though!

That’s all for this week…the next week is going to be another full one! Praise God for all that is taking place! :)

My cute Basil...

Mind on a Motorcycle Ride

2011-12-13T19:10:00.000-08:00

I was up and going at 5:30 this morning. I started off with getting the animals situated and then sat down with my Bible. As my fingers flipped through the pages, I sat in awe of the power that is so real and alive even in that moment. Even now as I’m typing I’m getting goose bumps! You know those movies that have a scene and the pages light up when opened? It was like that without the lights. That made me realize how busy I’ve gotten myself with buying, making, and thinking about Christmas gifts and all the other “stuff” that goes along with the holidays and have been missing out on the why of the day that all of this preparation is for. I know I’m not completely missing the reason, but letting everything fill up my time in the mornings the last week rather than enjoying the Lords presence is just about missing it.

My whole time this morning was so intimate with Jesus. It felt so much like He was right next to me in person, giving me His full attention. There were such sweet words spoken between me and Him. The Bible isn’t completely all lovey dovey sweet stuff, but it is there…and warms my heart to the core.

When I was finished I did a few more things and then hopped on the elliptical. I’ve been trying to exercise, but I’m not very consistent yet! Anyways, part way through with my focus on the show I was watching and the fact that the time seemed to be going slow, all these words filled my thoughts. It was so random and thoughts that I don’t ignore, but also don’t dwell on. The show had nothing to do with my swirling thoughts so I knew it must be from the Lord. I ended my time early so that I could start typing everything before forgetting. While I was typing I had tears streaming down my cheeks and knew that this wasn’t just “Kathleen.”

After typing it all up I prayed over it asking the Lord to use it however He saw fit and for whatever hearts that needed to hear my personal put-away-in-a-closet thoughts.

I don’t normally do this, but before you continue reading would you pray? Would you just take a moment and pray that the Lord would soften your heart and that you would be open to how He might be trying to speak to you through what was written? It may not be anything for you, but maybe even pray for someone else that will read it?

Sometimes my mind jumps on a motorcycle and takes a ride of its own. It heads for the hills and the scenery that is so much resembles a pretty picture on a calendar. It’s not long before the ride hits a point of bumps and rock that cover the path…it becomes a time that I get so lost in all that I miss; all that has happened. It becomes like a wrong turn in the journey, a very lonely place where the hurt of all that has been taken away brings me to a dark place of reality in all that I’m living in. Cale doesn’t know every tear that has been shed. He has no idea the hurt; the wrenching pain that has so easily threatened to envelope me in its depths of despair. He has no idea the many things that I’ve had to sacrifice and the sleep that I’ve gone without or the hours spent surrendering every breath before the Lord because it was the only thing I could do. I think about the many families that I’ve met or heard about that also has a loved one with a brain injury and although I know they understand my daily battles on a level, I also think to myself there’s NO WAY they understand what I'M going through because they have no idea the marriage that WE had, the love that WE shared, or every memory that is so deeply etched and engraved in my mind and heart, but as every day passes, I feel as though I’m forgetting little by little the way things were, and the husband I had. The motorcycle ride at this point has become scary and I know my mind has gone too far and I long for the breeze. The sunset. The horizon.

No, Cale doesn’t know. He may never and I’m not sure that I’d want him to know. No, maybe there is no one that I will ever meet that can fully understand the waters that I tread through, but there IS someone that DOES know. His name is Jesus.

The sadness I experience when Cale doesn’t remember so many sweet, funny, precious moments that we’ve had together I’m reminded that although they’re no longer in his grasp to enjoy and cherish, the Lord knows EVERY single one. There’s not a moment that has passed that is not counted for in my Father’s memory. Not a moment that he forgets. Not a need or a longing that I’ve ever had that has gone forgotten. Not a spilt second of a time that God has not held me; carried me.

This morning I was graciously reminded of his love for me. How He delights in me. How the things of this world will pass away, but He is everlasting.

The last worship song that played this morning was Mended by Watermark. The words were beautiful and hit the mark. It was another added part of the amazingness.

Mended

You repair all that we have torn apart and
You unveil a new beginning in our hearts and
We stand grateful for all that has been left behind and
All that goes before us

Chorus:
You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to you
(to you, oh Lord, to you)

We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years and
You will sing over all our coming fears and
We'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us

-Chorus-

Bridge:
Lord, you mend the breech
And you break every fetter
You give us your best, but what we thought was better
And you are to be praised
You are to be praised (4x)

-Chorus-
(to you, oh Lord, mender of the broken)

Laughter…Ahhh such good medicine.

2011-12-12T22:10:00.001-08:00

As the day went on yesterday I started to feel better. I took my hair matted self to the shower. When I looked in the mirror right before walking into the bathroom, my pj pants that I had been wearing since Thursday were tucked into my Christmas socks (that I had also been wearing since Thursday!). I looked…um, quite beautiful in an odd sort of way. Cale was the one that had used the word “beautiful” I know it had to be somewhat sarcastic! Half of my hair was matted to my head and the other half was sticking straight up!

I decided I wasn’t going to waste another day in bed, so I tackled some Christmas gifts and did some cleaning. It was all light duty stuff because I didn’t want to break open my intense muscles until I knew my sickish body could handle it.

Joe and Beth stopped by for a visit (thankfully it was post shower) which we always love. It felt so short, but so good to see their faces! Life gets busy and going and it’s just not as easy getting to see everyone! Joe and Cale had a meaningful good bye…

After dinner was eaten and dishes were washed, Mama, Cale, and I heated some water and enjoyed some hot chocolate that Marion (thank you Marion!) had sent as a Christmas goodie package. The three of us cuddled on the couch (with big ol’ Basil) and watched It’s A Wonderful Life. It’s one of our favorites! Cale isn’t too impressed anymore, but I know he watched it with me before his injury so I’m not giving him much of a choice on such a great happy classic.

I found this video on Youtube! Such a great scene!

I’ve been working with Cale on following step by step instructions without having to be prompted or reminded at each step. He was getting bored of the movie and his nails were getting long, so I asked if he could get the clippers in the top drawer in the bathroom. He said yes and then left to the bathroom. A couple minutes went by and Mama asked if he had forgotten what he went in for. I wanted to give him another minute and then ran in to check on him. What I found made me laugh…hysterically.

He had taken all of my headbands out of one of the drawers and placed each one on his head. The clippers had been forgotten!

I repeat from an earlier post…it never gets boring around here! :)

The sick bug.

2011-12-11T09:40:00.000-08:00

Ugg. I’ve gotten bit again. On Thursday I started to feel slightly off, but was pretty determined to NOT get sick. It’s been going around, circling all too close to me, but I didn’t want to have any part of it! Well, I woke up Friday morning and could hardly lift my head! I was able to sleep most of Friday and what did Cale do you ask? He played with his cards, Xbox, and rested with me. I felt so bad for him because at 4:30pm I realized he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast! He doesn’t quite have the initiation yet to let me know he’s hungry or to get anything himself. Poor guy!

He had speech yesterday morning and once again I was determined that I was going to wake up and be all better…right? Nope. I kept resetting my alarm and then finally it was time that I had to get him up and ready. I left his speech therapist a note that I was in bed, made sure Cale was all good to go and right before she showed up, I disappeared! I wasn’t able to sleep as much yesterday but I did stay in bed. Even though most days I day dream about a day spent in bed, when these days actually come, I get VERY bored! Especially since I have Christmas gifts to finish making and organizing to get back to!

But here I lay…for another day. There was a Christmas party we missed last night that I had been looking forward to and church this morning, and a 5k this weekend that I’m going to have to miss since instead of running this weekend I’ve been snuggled under covers.

I will feel better today and tomorrow will be a new day! :) I asked Cale last night in a very pathetic voice if he could take my cold away and make me feel better. Without hesitation he said, “Yes. I will kick it, choke it, punch it, strangle it, shoot it, suffocate it and kill it.” Well done my warrior! ;) I laughed really hard and then wondered how he was going to do all those things to my cold without doing them to me! Haha!

I’ve been watching Christmas movies on TV and by the amount of commercials there are for cold medicine, you can tell it’s that season!

What's your favorite Christmas movie? I have a ton of favs!

When I don’t understand…

2011-12-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, so…I think I’m making a habit and it’s becoming routine to forget to update this blog! It’s not really that I’m forgetting, more like, filling my time with so many other things!

One of the things I’ve been up to the last few days has been busting out some crafts! I love getting to make things and haven’t been able to for so long! A huge reason was time! When Cale was still inpatient, everyone would say I needed to take advantage of the nurses being there and do things that were for me. It was a good plan and I know families that were good at that, but I wasn’t! I just wanted to be with my husband and the thought of leaving him at the hospital alone made my heart sink. I knew that he was ok and I knew I didn’t have to worry; that wasn’t the issue. I knew that if I was the one in the hospital, I would have wanted someone with me!

Since we’ve been home, I have literally been insanely busy! I still have a lot of filing to do because I have stacks of documents; I have a million emails to reply to, and then the normal day to day things. It keeps me going that’s for sure! I’m not sure that I’ve experienced boredom in a really long time.

I decided recently that I was going to make myself take a break from all the “stuff” that has piled up and attack a few fun projects! I’ve been having a blast! There are a few more things that I need to finish up before Christmas and then I’m going to buckle down and try to get ahead of the ball game. It’s kind of pathetic that I’ve gotten so far behind!

And I have plans for these words…are you close by and have old wood you want to get rid of? I need some!

Rewinding to Sunday-

We are blessed. In fact, on Sunday night as I was cuddled up with Cale and Basil watching a Christmas movie, that’s all I could think of! One of the many blessings in our lives is the relationships we have. Some of you we’ve never met and yet, you are so precious to me! I am so thankful for you and for each prayer that you’ve said for us. There have been several relationships that have come because of meeting some of you that read all my posts. From that, many special friendships have begun. I just feel so blessed and that’s only a piece! Many of you that have never met us have been bold enough when seeing us somewhere to come say hi. Again…blesses my socks off! I was at the store on Sunday afternoon picking up a few things and a very sweet lady (my mind is blank on her name…it’ll come to me! I feel so rude that I don't remember...I just get so excited in the moment!) walked up to me with her daughter (who was adorable!) and introduced herself. She has been reading the blog since about the beginning and encouraged me so much within the few minutes we talked! God is so good isn’t He?! I love how He works and how His plans include blessings I would have never been able to come up with!

I also thought about how far Cale has come and how much of a life together and family we still have. So much more could have been taken away…and still can be. We’re gonna just keep our eyes on the Lord and know that we’re blessed!

Monday night after having dinner with our small group, we had the opportunity to worship with Kim Walker! I was going back and forth trying to decide if Cale should come with. Part of me knew it could be powerful and awesome, but the other part of me kept thinking about how miserable it could be for him. I decided to go for it and have him join me. When we arrived at the church, the parking lot was packed! I wasn’t expecting so many people I guess. We ended up sitting in the balcony on the last row. It was perfect because it was by the door, but we had a nonstop flow of people walking past us. I felt myself starting to get really annoyed because I was trying to worship and every few seconds I would be getting distracted with someone walking in front of me, but I was also getting worked up because as they walked past, they kept bumping into Cale. It’s not like they knew and were just being rude, but because I know him…it really bothered me! I think I had a little bit of a bull-like creature threatening to come out and ram the next person to walk by. Cale was getting upset and started hitting himself which freaked out the kid next to us.

I knew that the situation was much bigger than just frustration from people walking by. Yes, it was annoying, but letting my emotions and focus shift was not just distracting me from the music, but from experiencing the presence of God! I began to pray and even grabbed Cale and prayed with him. It’s so easy I think with all things we fill our lives with to shift our focus off the Lord and whatever the situation is. This is the difference between walking in the flesh and walking in the Spirit. I was even at a worship service and my attention was shifted so quickly!

It ended up being a great night, but I struggled the entire time not to be so annoyed! Cale sat down out of frustration and even put his legs up on the seat in front of us to block the traffic! That made it worse though because they kept coming and every time he would have to move his legs. I laughed a little watching him do it though!

We sang one song that I sang as loud as I could. Part of the words were:

When I don’t understand I will choose you (x2)
When I don’t understand I will choose to love you God (x2)

Such powerful words and yet so simple.

One of the other projects I started yesterday was Christmas cards. We didn’t send any out last year because I sent out the prayer cards and it was around this time (Let me know if you haven’t gotten a prayer card yet and would like one!). I spent a good portion of last night addressing as many as my hand could take! We have part of them in the mail and the rest will be out in the next couple days. I didn’t send out nearly as many as I would have liked, but that’s ok! :) Cale even helped me put the cards in the envelopes today!

A few funny things from Cale the last few days…

On Saturday evening, I was sitting at the table with Mama and Cale. I think Cale was still eating his dinner and I was looking up his Christmas gift online. Mama suddenly started shouting, “Cramp! Cramp!” and Cale kept saying, “Crap? Crap?” Mama would try to say it clearer and tell him she had a cramp in her leg, but all Cale heard was crap. After a few moments of confusion and laughter, Cale stands up, walks to Mama, reaches for her and said, “Come on.” He then proceeded to lead her to the bathroom! The whole time Mama and I are laughing so hard we can’t even speak! When he came back and sat down, I told him he was funny and his reply was, “Well, she was about to crap all over the place.”

I’ve been bugging Cale like crazy to show me or tell me what he bought me for Christmas. He has gone shopping with Mama and then one of his therapists. He won’t budge but I’m having quite the time teasing him about it. I asked one night one more time before they all got wrapped and this time he said with a smirk, “Yeah, um, I got you a, I got you a tampon!” uh…what?! Haha! I’m not sure if that is one of those things I shouldn’t post, but I can’t help myself! He was being a stinker!

I had been talking to Cale about food. The conversation was kind of a boring one, but my point was that chicken nuggets can be found anywhere not just McDonalds. After I said that, Cale pointed at me and said “You watch your mouth!” Haha! We both burst into laughter!

There’s never a boring day with him around!

We are...

2011-12-04T21:35:00.000-08:00

Blessed. God has blessed us so richly and far more than I could have ever thought possible or imagined.

My heart is so full tonight.

Comfort vs. Obedience

2011-12-03T17:35:00.000-08:00

It’s happened again!

This has been a full and exciting week! Yikes. I don’t even know if I can back up to Wednesday…what happened? Hmm…

Well a couple big things I DO know:

1) Cale has been walking without his cane all week!!! He does need help with outside some, but he’s been doing great! We tried a while ago to hide the cane, but situations would come up that he needed it and by using it some, the habit of having it would become stronger than not having it. On Tuesday Cale said that he didn’t like it and didn’t want to use it…ok! I told him he didn’t have to but it wasn’t until later that afternoon that I hid it for good. He’s asked a few times for it, but for the most part, he loves not having it!

2) I spoke at a church in Richland Wednesday night for the youth group. For some reason, it was the most nervous I’ve been so far. On the way there, out of the corner of my eye I could see Cale change moods and become upset. I asked if he was alright and he said no. I asked what was wrong and he would only say he was mad. I knew that because we were on our way to bring glory to the Lord and His power was going to be at work, Satan wasn’t going to like that. I began to pray over Cale that the enemy had no place in our car or authority over us. By the time we were arrived, Cale was much better and the night was awesome.

Thursday came and was the start of me becoming extremely excited! I don’t want to share too much yet because I don’t know all the details and how everything is going to work yet, but big things are getting ready to start for Cale. I think it’s going to be amazing! I sure hope!

A very sweet lady flew in on Wednesday night and met with us for most of Thursday and then a good chunk of Friday. She asked lots of questions, shared lots of ideas, and sparked another flame of hope within my heart. We had a couple meetings and on Friday she did a whole bunch of cognitive testing with Cale. I was nervous both days because on Thursday, Cale had speech and then right after lots of questions and then without a break went right into PT. Normally after speech he’s so tired, but he was able to keep going and work hard. The testing on Friday was a load and again normally he wouldn’t be able to tolerate it for very long.

She did say that he scored low on the tests, BUT the exciting thing was that he was able to sit through all of it! ALL OF IT!!! She even had to make him take a break! He stayed in a patient good mood the entire time AND didn’t get upset even when he knew he messed up. WOW! This is huge!! He’s like a new man compared to last month!

I’m so proud of him!

Last night Cale went with Mama to do some Christmas shopping and I went to a sewing class at church. It’s been so good to have so many opportunities lately to be around women. I made an apron, but I can’t show a picture because it’s a Christmas gift for someone! ;)

Today I joined Rachel and her family Christmas shopping. I still haven’t bought a single thing for my husband. I’m at a lost. The reason is because nothing is the perfect special gift that I want it to be! I kind of waited until the last bit of time, but, I still want the perfect gift!

Afterwards I went with Mama and our two friends Shirma and Zita to a WMU tea. One of the speakers who is the pastor’s wife of the church it was at, shared, “God isn’t concerned with our comfort, He’s concerned with our obedience.” This is a statement that I have said myself many times and have heard many times, but up until this afternoon sitting around a white cloth covered table, full of tea and treats that I realized and felt the Holy Spirit pointing out that I have been on a focused mission to return to “comfort” and that’s not his desire for our lives.

My heart started to pound instantly as if everyone near me could hear what was going on in my thoughts.

The idea of “healing” and “progress” and striving for some kind of “normalcy” or “change” had become my mission to return to what was in my head a “comfortable” life. All the while, I’ve been missing out on looking at the mission field and ministry that has been personally created for us. Yes, I do see it and haven’t completely been blind to it, BUT how much have I missed already?

I went to enjoy an afternoon with ladies and to hear and be reminded of missionaries and ended up having quite the experience with my Jesus.

While I was shopping and having tea, Cale had speech therapy and guy time with Sonny. From what Sonny shared, it seemed like they had a great time! :)

I was reminded that I had asked everyone to pray as I waited for a phone call a week or two ago…well, it wasn’t the answer I had been hoping, but that’s another blog post! Actually, maybe tomorrow? It’s been on my heart since Tuesday, but I haven’t been able to fully get where I need to be to share what’s going on with that. Thank you for your prayers in that situation!

A whole lot of videos...be blessed! I know I am! :)

2011-11-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

Sing to God, everyone and everything! Get out his salvation news every day! Publish his glory among the godless nations, his wonders to all races and religions. And why? Because God is great—well worth praising! No god or goddess comes close in honor. All the popular gods are stuff and nonsense, but God made the cosmos! Splendor and majesty flow out of him, strength and joy fill his place. Shout Bravo! to God, families of the peoples, in awe of the Glory, in awe of the Strength: Bravo!
Shout Bravo! to his famous Name, lift high an offering and enter his presence! Stand resplendent in his robes of holiness! -1 Chronicles 16:27-29 (The Message)

His journey with voice...

Last night I was talking with Cale while scanning Craigslist. I ended up finding human hair for sale and was so grossed out! I pointed it out to Cale and we were both making a big deal out of it; having fun. He then asked how much it was so I clicked on it. It ended up being hair extensions and then Cale said, “Oh so not the…the…” He couldn’t get the word out that he was looking for so he said, “What is it when the plant is plugged into the ground?” “Roots?” I asked. He said, “Yeah roots! So, it wasn’t the hair roots?” This was such a HUGE deal!!!! He was able to connect the two things being similar words, be able to give me a way to connect with what he was trying to say, and understand all of it! Oh man! I was so excited! It was 8:30 and I was texting his therapists! Haha!

The voice is an amazing gift that God has blessed us with. Speech therapy is not just working on his voice and getting words clear, it’s also the cognitive therapy. Along with the obvious changes and progress in his communication, he’s gaining in so many more areas! Awesome!

Our life in snapshots...and a video!

2011-11-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

Cale went to church with a mohawk...and we loved it!

We put up and decorated our tree. Cale helped Mama get it set up and fluffed and then helped with the first couple ornaments, but then he was tuckered out! Him and Basil hung out on the couch while I finished up! Bing Crosby was on the entire time! ;)

Cale had a great therapy session. They worked in the gym for a bit. There was a form of limbo involved along with some stretching!

I raked up a bunch more leaves out front. Now Christmas-like things have taken their spots. Cale came out and took a couple pictures (actually a ton!) and one of Scratch and Basil makes me laugh! It's a neat artistic shot, but it's funny seeing Scratch watching Basil sniff the bags.

I realized that it's been a long time since I've posted a video with Cale talking. His speech has gotten so much more clear! I tried to ask him questions to get him talking enough that you would be able to tell a little better at how well he's doing. It's still a struggle sometimes to understand, but for the most part (at least what I think) he's doing great!

Our small group was tonight and towards the end Cale said he was tired. He got up and said good night to everyone and then went to the bedroom. When everyone had left, I walked down the hall to check on him and he was asleep! usually he'll just go to bed and lay there, but he really must have been tired! I'm now sitting in the dark in my living room enjoying my pretty Christmas tree. :)

Last night when I turned all the lights off to go to bed, all that lit the room was our tree. I called for Cale to come because the tree was just so beautiful and I was instantly reminded of Christmas last year. We ended up sitting in our tree lit room and praying. It wasn't a prayer of asking the Lord for anything; we just praised Him for how He has blessed us and for who He is.

McDarling.

2011-11-26T20:26:00.000-08:00

Every night since my last post I’ve thought about how I need to do another update because things are happening, but the days kept getting away from me. A lot has happened since Tuesday, but I’m once again going to give a quick short version.

To start off…

Happy late Thanksgiving! Last year we had two big meals and we did again this year as well! Yum! I have to say it was a really really good day! My plan was to sleep in as late as I could, but I ended up getting out of bed at 6:30. Mama was already up, so we took advantage of the quiet morning and watched our first Christmas movie of the season! After our movie ended, I hopped on the elliptical to get a good preturkey workout. I felt ready to stuff my face after that! ;)

Last year we were able to see Cale’s family for a little bit…

And this year we spent a good part of the day with them! When the food and games were over we went to my sister’s house for the second feasting. Cale didn’t last for too long but he did have two more slices of pie! The two of us haven’t been home together for Thanksgiving since 2004…so, it was wonderful being back with family!

The other big thing that’s been going on around here was lots of planning for a Bridal shower (yes, another shower!) today. I had to cram all of my attention into just a few days because my focus had been on the baby shower and then with Thanksgiving this week…well, it was busy! I loved every minute of the planning, prepping, and experiencing both of the showers. I’m so thankful to be able to host them in my home! It’s a blast!

Peppermint Sticks

Pie Pops

One of the games we played...

As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. –Psalm 18:30

God’s way is perfect.

We may not get it. We may not understand, but we can know that His way is perfect. I could go really deep with my thoughts, but I’m keeping it light…to be able to do these showers, it’s not something I would have pictured myself doing. I had thought I didn’t know how to throw a shower. I wouldn’t have even thought that doing something like that would have worked in my life, but it does and it’s perfect. Such a simple thing…

He loves you. He knows you. He cares for you. He desires you.

Cale has been cracking us up along with himself! We’ve been having a great time with him lately. It’s good to have the humor coming back. We had seen it back in September start to come back, but during the month or so that things got a little rocky, the silliness was covered by a cloud. It’s showing again though!

Cale climbed in a closet. No reason, just to do it.

We had to run to the store this evening. Cale picked up two boxes of candy and wanted to see which one was heaviest and that was going to be his choice!

We passed McDonalds and with a smile Cale said, “Hmm…McDarling.” Heehee!

This is a little note Cale left for me this last week during therapy...

There are so many more stories to share, but for now this will have to do!

The kind of guy I have…

2011-11-22T09:10:00.000-08:00

He holds the door open for as long as people are walking up to it. He never just walks through if others are coming.

He waits to sit until after I’ve sat down.

He makes sure that he hears what is being said rather than just nod along with the conversation. He will ask “what?” several times if needed.

He compliments me constantly through the day. He’s always telling me that I’m cute, beautiful, sweet, sexy, pretty, fun, his princess, and whistles at me when I walk into the room. He can’t even make the actual whistle sound, so he just says, “whistle whistle” to get his point across.

He never interrupts when someone is talking. He waits until they’re finished speaking completely before asking or telling them what’s on his mind.

He doesn’t just push the shopping carts into the little area in the parking lot and then walk away. When he puts the cart away, he pushes it all the way in and makes sure it fits perfectly into the line of carts already there.

When I even bump myself on something and say anything to show that it hurt even in the slightest, he says sorry and will kiss the area. If I’m not feeling good, even just a headache, he prays for me without me asking. If I ask him to pray for someone, he doesn’t just say ok and tell me that he will, he stops right then and prays for them.

If he puts something away, whether at home or in a store, he doesn’t just set it sloppily and be done. He puts it away right where it belongs and makes sure it’s facing the right way.

He doesn’t just fill Basil’s water dish and then say he’s done. He fills it, waits for Basil to drink and then refills it.

He’s determined and will work on the same thing over and over until he can get it right.

He does therapy everyday even though he really doesn’t want to and doesn’t understand why.

He doesn’t remember the time that he had spent with someone, but if he knows them and recognizes their name, he lights up and gets really excited.

Every time I’ve asked him about giving of what we have to someone who needs it, he always asks how much and what for and then no matter what will say yes.

He’s brave and courageous always doing things asked of him even when it’s scary and challenging.

He prays already believing what he’s asking for. There is no doubt that comes from him, he just confirms a “yes” and believes God will take care of it.

He’s honest. He doesn’t fake or pretend that he’s having a good time when he’s not. He doesn’t act like everything is smooth and cool when they’re not.

He’s so tender when I come to him with tears streaming down my cheeks because I’m feeling the weight of everything and the desire for what is missing is so strong. He may not fully get why I’m sad, but he wants me better and will comfort me as long as I need.

He knows what he likes and doesn’t like. He doesn’t change it just because someone else tries to persuade him in a different direction.

He will always share what he has with me. He may have gotten only a 10 piece chicken nuggets from McDonalds and if I ask for a nugget, he will always say yes. You know how much he loves those nuggets…!

My husband has a severe brain injury; his cognitive level is like a child and yet, he is a better person than so many full functioning people I’ve met, including myself. He’s an example to me!

He’s my love. My husband.

I am so thankful for him!

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. -1 John 4:12

Weekendness.

2011-11-20T17:59:00.001-08:00

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your right hand upholds me. –Psalm 63:7-8

We’ve had a great weekend!

Saturday was full and loaded! There were 20 women at one point gathered in my home for a baby shower. It was lovely. Cale of course had disappeared prior to the happenings of pinkness. ;)

I love the holidays and all the giving that happens during this time of the year. I know a lot of people say they don’t like this time of the year anymore because of how “stuff” oriented it has become, but on the other side, there is still a lot of focus on giving. Just this last week I went shopping to fill our shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child and went shopping with Mama for all the food to fill Thanksgiving baskets that are church hands out. Next week the giving tree will be out full of ornaments that list items to get for 20 families here in the Tri-Cities and that’s only a tiny bit of all the opportunities for giving that’s going on!

If I could have recorded the trip we made to the store last night you would be laughing…hard. It was hilarious counting out 20 of all of these food items, watching everyone’s reaction as they passed us, and then of course there was me pushing this extremely full cart while following Mama who was whipping through the aisles and weaving in and out of innocent shoppers. We were quite the scene!

I’ve been so busy with other things lately that I told Cale today would be a day for him. Other than quickly typing up this post, we’ve hung out and had a good ol’ time since being home from church.

I want to ask everyone to be praying about something. I’m not going to give any details about anything yet, but I do want to ask for prayer. I will share as soon as I’m able. I should receive a phone call tomorrow…I’m trying to be patient and not be anxious. It’s not easy! Cale and I keep praying that we would remember either way that God is in control and He has a perfect plan. Tomorrow is going to be another full day of fun stuff, so my mind should be preoccupied until the call comes. Hopefully it comes!

Yesterday we had a conversation that went like this...

K: You're handsome.
C: You're cute.
K: You think I'm cute?
C: No, you're beyond cute. You're beautiful.

It was super sweeeet! That of course gave me a huge smile. :)

Earlier Mama and I asked Cale what his plans were for Thanksgiving and he said, "Eat and sleep."

Thankful for the challenges of life...for real?!

2011-11-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

Hey there…

Sorry I’ve been MIA in the whole blog scene lately. With traveling to NY, still trying to get caught up around here, saying yes to taking over the showers part of the women’s ministry at church, and the normal business with Cale, I’ve been busy! I’ve also been giving Cale my full attention at night (that could sound a bit…um…that’s not what I meant!) and by the time he’s ready for sleep…so am I! I also have a ton that I’ve wanted to share, but then the thoughts pile up and well, giving a broad overview of what we’ve been up to is the easier route! :)

The last that I had really written on here was while I was struggling. Goodness, I know during those moments that it will pass, but actually being able to grasp that reality can be a whole different story. First, thank you for praying me through it. I know there were lots of prayers because I felt them! Thank you for all the encouragement that you passed my way and for those of you that posted on your blogs asking for your followers to pray for us…thank you. I know I don’t know each of you personally, but I feel like I do. I feel like some of you are the dearest friends…and a sweet part of what’s come out of this journey we’ve been on for almost two years.

Before I get started, if you have sent me an email, letter, card, Facebook message, left a voice mail, or a text since February 10, 2010 and have not heard back from me, I am honestly deeply sorry. At first it was impossible. The emails and messages stacked up, but there was no way to even touch the mound. As things begin to slow a bit and I had time sitting in a hospital room, I made the best attempt at making a dent, and slowly since then I respond when I can. If I don’t get the chance to respond right when I read it, even if it’s a quick reply, it gets lost in the pile. I don’t mean for it to be that way and I am truly thankful for each time that you’ve reached out to me. It’s been a rich blessing and sweet treat through the months. I can’t fully explain the way all of your notes have lifted me up and strengthened me. I know that all of you (or at least I hope!) understand that I don’t write or call back, but I don’t want to let it go unsaid that I’m thankful for you…each of you.

Now to update….

For the most part since I’ve been home from NY, I’ve seen a dramatic change in Cale’s attitude and mood. I might just have to say that me away was a good thing for him! There are still his outbursts and normal tantrums, but the constant negative and anger seems to have settled and I am praising God He saw us through it! Yikes!

It’s not all sunshine and birds chirping, but we’re loving each other the best that we can and know how. Isn’t that about how it goes, TBI or not? I keep praying that I would love Him like the Lord does and that I would see Him through God’s eyes…

I always think about how before brain injury, Cale and I had something so extraordinary that many people never get a chance to even see. With brain injury, I can still say that! We still have a love that is precious and powerful that again, there are so many in this world that will never get to have let alone witness. Movies try to copy and mimic this kind of love between characters, yet, will never be able to match its depths. Yesterday I was once again reminded of the love I see in my husband’s eyes when he looks at me- amazing. Not every woman gets to experience this kind of heart pumping joy that comes from having a man, her husband; look at her in this way.

He even loves me with all of my craziness! ;)

Yes, days get hard sometimes, but the Lord has designed and created something that is so far from being a part of this world, my eyes have nowhere to turn except to Him.

Cale did great through both trials of being home alone. When I came home on Tuesday, he was really upset I thought I was going to see steam coming out of his ears! It was only at his Xbox game, but to him it was a serious moment. I thought of a couple “what if’s” that I wanted to talk with his therapist about, and I’m not sure what the next step is, but I’m on board. I have noticed every time we get back from a trip or from something that has been a push for Cale to do, that he’s changed…that’s what I’m praying comes through this. I asked him Tuesday afternoon how it was being home by himself and if he was scared. He didn’t remember that he had been, but he said if he was he would do fine. It’s gonna be ok, right?! ;)

A couple funny stories from the last couple days…

Cale was watching the Wing’s play the other night. They weren’t doing so great and as the game kept going, his anger kept rising. By the time the game was over and we had lost, Cale was mad! This time I think there really was steam coming out of his ears! He stomped back to the bedroom and I heard him slamming his cane. I just let him be for a bit. After a while had gone by, I went to check on him. “I’m mad. Really mad.” He said with his arms crossed over his chest. He was lying on the bed with a grimace expression. When I talked with him about why he was upset, he said that I had been mean to him. This came from the lack of sympathy after the game. The great part is that he was really holding onto the emotional side of the situation and it was sticking! I talked with him about how I love him and wouldn’t intentionally be mean to him. I let him know that I was sorry about the game and for how I made him feel. His response was, “Good to know.” Haha! Uh…love you too babe!

I’ve been really trying to include him in decisions that have to be made or things that are on my heart. He may not always get it or understand, but I know it must feel good for him to at least have an input on whatever he does process. Yesterday I came to him with something I had been thinking really strongly about and after explaining it to him and asked what he thought all he said was, “Uh, I have to pee really bad.” Haha!!! Oh man! I couldn’t hold back the laughter even if I would have tried! It was such a serious moment. He had more important things on his mind…

We were talking about a friend that we have that we weren’t able to see last week because she’s pregnant and dealing with the exciting pregnancy symptoms. Cale didn’t understand my first attempt at explaining why we didn’t see her, so I told him she was throwing up and that’s what happens sometimes with pregnancy. Cale looked at me worried and said, “Will I do that?” I reassured him that he won’t be pregnant…ever. Nope, it will be me enjoying the goodness of it! Heehee!

.....

I was reading my Bible this morning and using my devotional. I don’t use it every morning, but when I do, it’s great. This morning I kind of took things in a different direction then I was expecting. I love how the Holy Spirit (when we’re allowing) leads us to a place that gets straight to heart issues. Wowza!

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” God’s word which is alive and active says that God works for the good of those who love Him. This means it’s not a lie, but a real deal. What do we do with that? How do I explain this to someone hurting and going through a hard time? The struggles, problems, hardships, trials and whatever other name we want to give the things in our lives that we don’t tend to enjoy, can be used for good when we’re in a place to trust our sweet Jesus. If we don’t choose to trust, we’re not going to mentally or spiritually be able to see the “good” in whatever situation we’re in. If we are so focused on the situation and the pain it’ll become the very thing that leads us to the pit of sorrow and be a stumbling block to keep us from the very blessing that the Lord is so ready to saturate us with.

When we recognize our loss and place every thought and emotion at the feet of Jesus, it doesn’t mean that He will take it all away from us, but then we will be able to lavish in the gifts of being drawn into the presence of the Lord, be held by His mighty strength and be wrapped in His loving arms.

I believe to get to a place that we can genuinely understand this place during a trial; we need to be thankful for whatever it is that we’re facing. This desire to leave nothing in the way of being as close to the Lord as I can get, I begin to write each struggle I’ve been having lately. I wrote TBI as a whole, but also wrote the individual trials that come along with it. Once I recognized my list, I began to write next to each thing why I’m thankful and the blessing that it has been or what I hope for it to be…oh boy. Let me tell you, this was not easy for me! Partly because I didn’t want to admit how some of what I’ve had to walk through and sometimes literally be carried through has been a blessing.

Just as peace has been everywhere that I’m looking lately, the song Word of God Speak by Mercy Me has been on everywhere! It’s not like it’s a new song but it seems even places I wouldn’t expect it to be, it’s been playing! I took the time to really listen to the words wondering what I need to be hearing from it and was captivated by the opening line…

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is its okay

Lately in the mornings when I’m sitting with the Lord, I feel at a loss for words. Sometimes because I feel like there is so much He’s teaching me and so much information, and then sometimes it’s out of peer awe for who He is.

.....

Sorry for the long post…it didn’t get done last night, so all was piled on tonight!

Yesterday we saw the first snow of the season! It didn’t stick and after just a short time turned into rain, but it was still fun to walk outside the store and see it! I’m not exactly ready for the little white flurries, but when it’s time, it’ll be time and I’ll be ok! :) Can you see it on his sweater?

This was from one night about a month ago while Mike and Rachel were over…attack!

Cale gave Basil this blanket the night I came home from NYC. Every night Basil sleeps like this and now he carries the blanket around the house…

Here’s Cale in PT last night working hard! It was a great session!

We will go forth in grace alone.

2011-11-14T21:11:00.000-08:00

This weekend was simply wonderful! In fact, it was the first trip that we’ve taken that Cale has actually been in a good mood the entire time and no rough patches. The only time he said anything about home was Sunday morning right after he woke he said, “We’re still not home.” I talked to him about how we were visiting Mike and Rachel and how I was going to be sharing our story at their church. He cheered right up and that was the end of it. There was a point on Saturday that I was questioning if he was going to get worked up, but it never came! We even really pushed him because we walked from Rachel’s to the place we were going to eat at. It wasn’t a crazy far walk, but for Cale it was really far. Also, we weren’t finished when we were done eating. We still had to pick up a couple groceries and walk all the way back. He did it without complaining! The drive to their house is about 1.5 hours and both ways were so great. I got Cale talking a little and we had a good ol’ time just being together!

The greatest part about the weekend was being with friends and laughing a lot. We played Yahtzee one of the nights and Cale rolled two yahtzee’s! Most games we set it up for him to win, but there’s no way to control rolling dice!

Here’s a few of what Cale was busy doing over the weekend…

This was right before we left the house. Cale took the charger for my ipod and thought he'd get charged up? Haha!

He needed some protection while playing the piano...

He got on the treadmill for Mike!

And what the girls were busy doing…

We made peppermint oreo balls...

...and they were yummy.

Speaking at church went well. I had been praying that not one word would be wasted. I wanted the Holy Spirit to speak through me and not just Kathleen doing it all. I really believe He met me there and took over. I was really blessed getting to meet so many that have been praying for us and all of their encouragement afterwards. Very special.

We got home yesterday around 5:30pm and I had bible study at 6:00! It was a bit crazy getting everything inside and then quickly scarfing down some food before heading back out. All was good though and I enjoyed being in the presence of some amazing godly women.

Today was back to the daily living in the Darling house. I had a moment of um…not panic but something like that mixed in with confusion. We had no milk in the house and Cale has only wanted cereal lately. I was also out of Ensure which sometimes I use the vanilla Ensure as milk. I found a couple packets of flavored oatmeal (we were also short on time!) that I heated up. At first he said, “Eh. What is this?” when I told him it was oatmeal and that he’s eaten it before he said, “I disagree.” I just let the words hang out and I joined him to eat. After a few minutes he picked up his spoon and ate! Success! He even ate more than usual while we were away this weekend? Appetite coming back…I hope so!

It was also a huge day in therapy! On Friday his OT talked with me about starting trials of him being alone at home for short periods again. Ahh! This just makes me so nervous. Especially since there have been a couple things that have happened lately that haven’t helped. As much as I fear this new idea I also have to remind myself that God is with Him even when I am not. If this is going to be something that gives him a push in the right direction then I don’t want to stand in the way…I also want to be wise! We did 30 minutes today. Before the RS left she had taken him to McDonalds, so the whole time he was by himself he was at the table eating. I’m not sure if that was the best way to trial him home alone, but at least he did great with it! He didn’t seem nervous or uneasy about it at all-that would just be me! ;) We’re trialing again tomorrow, so we’ll see!

The wind has come and the leaves have fallen. It’s beautiful! Our ramp was covered in them along with our deck! I didn’t touch the deck yet, but I at least had Cale help me rake up and bag the leaves off the ramp. I was about to clean all of them up, but the ones along the ramp and around our pumpkins were too pretty!

“When do I get to go home?” was the question that was asked several times today. It hasn’t been as often as it was even just a couple months ago, but today it came.

Yesterday all of our belongings that we had packed up in December 2008 right before Cale deployed for the second time, arrived. We for now have it in a storage unit and will slowly work our way through everything. After almost three years of not seeing our things and being filled with each memory, you would think I would be excited and bubbling over with anticipation to have what would feel like an early Christmas…but, I’m not. There is this tornado that has started forming in my gut and every time I think of looking at and going through all of the stuff, I feel like I may just end up in Oz. That’s the part of me that doesn’t want to ever see any of it again. So much has changed and so much of it is filled with memories that I want to hold onto so tightly and at the same time wouldn’t mind if they were taken with the Tri-City wind storms.

It’s gonna be hard. I think the hardest part might just be all of this thinking about it, but either way It’s been a long time and seems like a whole different life, different people, different. Especially on days like today when my husband forgets he’s married and asks to go home again with his mom, brother, and sister.

Rachel reminded me I just need to have fun with it and that’s what I’m going to try to do. Maybe seeing some of it will trigger memory? That’s what I always hope for! :)

We sang a song at church yesterday and one of the lines said, “We will go forth in grace alone” I love LOVE this! In moments where I have to look a challenge in the face and can’t turn around, it’s by God’s grace alone that I’m able to move one foot in front of the other and keep going. Wow…I could go on and on about that line.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. -2 Corinthians 12:9

If you think about it, pray for Cale tomorrow while we’re trialing him at home again…eeeek!

...to hear HIS voice.

2011-11-11T15:34:00.000-08:00

Happy Veteran's Day!!!
to my veteran and to all of you who have at some point served our country. We are so thankful for you!

Mama suggested we have lunch at Applebee's because they were having free meals for veterans. We ended up eating kind of late because Cale had therapy until noon and then I had a conference call with his therapy team at 12:15. After eating his steak (and we had to get dessert!) he asked how much his food was when I was paying the bill. I told him his was free and he said, "Really? Seriously? Why?" I told him why and he replied by saying, "Wow. I'm a hero." :) I'm not sure if you remember reading my post last year on Veteran's day, but I had to agree...He's a hero. My hero. Click here to read my post from last year!

We're leaving this afternoon (as soon as I finish this post!) to go to Mike and Rachel's house for the weekend! I'm super excited!!! They've come here to visit us, but we've only gone once to visit them and that was only for a day. Also, please be praying...I'm speaking at their church on Sunday. I'm really excited for this too! I think it's so amazing that I have anything to say about what's happened. Isn't it amazing? I get to share about ALL that the Lord has done in our lives and how He's blessed us...and it all deals with a terrible car accident. I know I've written before, but I have that whole babbling issue and I'd like it to um...not show up! :)

Before I finish I wanted to share something from my quite time the other day. I wrote it out and it's been on my heart since. It's kind of off the Veteran's Day stuff, but I think it's still important...

As I'm sitting here doing my quiet time, I'm thinking about peace. What is it really? I then think of the song, Heart of Worship. The first part of it says,

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

That is such a well-known song in the "worship" world, but how many of us really come to that place? It's so powerful. That's a time when the chaos around us swarms but in the midst of it, we're trusting (Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. -Philippians 4:6). The lessons of trust that He gives us are intertwined with difficulties, but the benefits far out way the cost.
When we can truly trust, we experience peace (You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! -Isaiah 26:3) which is a limitless gift that is beyond our circumstances.
A result of experiencing true peace is that we can hear His voice (The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. They won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice.” -John 10:3-5) and then we follow Him. We don't stray away from Him because we know (You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls. -1 Peter 1:8-9) Him.

Peace seems to be every where lately...in a book I'm reading, my devotional, scripture that I've been reading, songs, movies, and then of course all the Christmas decorations coming out.

Have you ever experienced true peace? Have you ever needed it? Thought about it?

We have a lot harder time hearing His voice and confusing it with the worlds when we're not allowing peace to rule our hearts.

I have more thoughts to share about this topic, but we need to hit the road! :)

Life just keeps a going on!

2011-11-10T14:48:00.000-08:00

Tuesday morning after Cale woke up; there wasn’t much time before his therapy. The RS came for 4 hours so that gave me time to go grocery shopping with Mama. When I came back, my plan was to get done a whole bunch of “stuff” that was on my list, but Cale didn’t want me out of his sight! I ended up having the RS leave an hour early and just spent time with him. I knew that since I had gotten back so late Monday night, we hadn’t had much time together.

I always love the times everything slows down and we get to relax and cuddle in the middle of the day. The list is still there waiting, but some days it just needs to be set aside.

Tuesday night we continued the cuddling and watched a Red Wings game together. They started good, went through a rough patch, but are hopefully back in the game. Cale always ends up being a happier man when they win! :)

Wednesday was game day. We played Crazy 8’s, Sorry, Solitaire, Memory, and Skip-Bo. PT was cancelled last night so I tried to get him on the elliptical. I’m not sure if he was extra tired or not, but he didn’t even last 10 minutes! Thankfully he at least did some for me. Before we started all the games, Cale entertained himself for almost an hour! This gave me time to get some much needed deep cleaning done. I keep the house picked up, but it’s hard to get the under the surface stuff done. In our room it became all of it! It felt good to get some of it out of the way.

This morning we went to one of the elementary schools in the area for a Veterans Day assembly. It was so cute and very sweet. They called out each branch of the military and recognized all the veterans. Cale smiled really big when they called out Army and he stood. He’s a man that likes people clapping for him! :)

He also had speech…I mixed up the schedule so Doreen actually had come about 30 minutes before the ceremony. They were able to work on spelling words before we needed to go. Since it was such a short time, Doreen just came with us!

Cale also had OT this afternoon and did so great! I had gone to lunch with Mama and Janis, so I missed out on his session, but when I came back there was a good report.

This is kind of a quick update, so I’ll have to add on my thoughts another time. Cale is having a hard moment so I have to finish up!

A weekend full of words…yet, I was speechless.

2011-11-07T21:29:00.000-08:00

I’m going to go kind of out of order about the weekend because all of it was great, but one part stands out above the rest in the way it affected me.

On Sunday after the workshop, all 40 of us women loaded into our shuttle bus and drove to the spot that changed America. We first went to the WTC visitor center. When we first walked in, I have to be honest and say I wasn’t sure what to expect. It didn’t take long for heart sinking images to bring tears rushing to the front lines. There is a wall at the beginning that is covered with faces of people that were never found. As I walked along the wall, all I could do is pray for all of their families.

The anvil sitting in my stomach stayed for a couple hours. The images, the faces of the lost, and the words of the survivors; all of it as so heavy…so real. To add to the emotion of it all I was walking around with mothers and wives that had been so greatly impacted by what happened that day as many of us have sent our men over to fight the war and most of them came home another man.

Right after we all headed to the WTC site, and in another way were able to be brought to reality of what was and what is today. The fountains they built are beautiful. When I had walked out of the visitor center, I couldn’t say anything…what do you say? The same thing happened when I stood looking into a fountain that was so beautiful after being such an ugly dreadful mass of despair. Before leaving one of the other wives and I stopped and prayed for all of the families that had lost someone, for all the people that have been directly affected, and for God and all of His glory to be seen through it all.

When Cale had surprised me one year for my birthday to watch the ball drop, we had gone to the site and prayed for all the families just like I prayed last night. So many lives changed so quickly…I’m still moved by the emotion that filled the area.

Backing up…

The flight over was filled with adventures like many of my days are. My flight from Pasco landed in Salt Lake at 7:55am and my next flight started boarding at 7:50! The announcement was made that there were tight connections, but of course hardly anyone pays attention. I kept telling myself not to get worked up and that everything was going to be fine. I prayed that the Lord would cover me in His peace even when my flesh wanted to panic. As soon as I figured out what gate I needed to be at and how far it was away, with my pink converse and flower covered carryon, I bolted. My little legs ran as quickly as I could get them to move! I flew past people and when I arrived at the gate, my heart was pumping hard and fast all to find out that they were still boarding first class. I stood waiting for 15 minutes all the while people that I had just zoomed by (like a crazy person) strolled up to wait with me. Uh…haha!

The shuttle that picked me up was a whole other story! I was on it for 3.5 hours and at some point during the ride I turned into a person from Europe instead of Washington. This weekend there was a marathon going on in the city. Our shuttle was full of foreigners that had come to partake in the pain and excitement of running for hours. The two kind ladies next to me were from Ireland, but even before I found out where they were from, I became mesmerized by their accent. I couldn’t help but soak up the sound of each word…yes, I really am that pathetic when it comes to accents! I have been known to walk around with my best made up copycat accent after watching movies like Pride and Prejudice. This time ended up being not much different. After some confusion of the pricing, the lady right next to me asked a question and when I opened my mouth to speak, it wasn’t my voice…it was (my guess) a mix of a few countries. I was talking with a fake accent! As I was realizing what was happening, I couldn’t get myself to stop and it was really hard to not laugh hysterically! Oh man. Don’t worry the rest of the ride was great and um…my normal voice came back. :)

I’m sure I could go into a lot of detail about the weekend as a whole, but that in itself could turn into a book! This weekend was so good for me. I needed it in more ways than I can count. My heart was worked on in ways that I wasn’t expecting. I was humbled and encouraged. The ladies that I spent time with each have their own story and as I listened to each of them throughout the weekend I was continually reminded how blessed I am. PTSD is something that I am so thankful we are not walking through.

I had a few opportunities to share about the power of prayer and how God has been my rock and strength to make it through every day. At one point after sharing a little piece of our story, one of our mentors said, “and look at you, you’re not devastated. You’re one of the most cheerful people I know.” All I can say is it’s directly because the joy of the Lord and knowing that His grace IS sufficient!

I was challenged and reminded that the journey Cale and I are walking is one that God chose for us. We wouldn’t have chosen it, but He did when He created us. He’s written a story that needs to be shared because it brings glory to His name. The more that I saw and met women that are hurting so much and walking in discouragement and pain, the more I wanted to be even a sliver of encouragement to them! I have no idea all the ways the Lord is already using us and all that He has planned, but if the love story that He so perfectly knitted together is one that will bring hope to the hurting, then I can claim nothing less than being truly blessed.

As far as writing…

I received this text from Rachel during my flights on Friday, “Hey! So you made it off? Keep me posted today. I’m praying for you…that God would use you in the lives of women, and that you might learn something about writing in the meantime as well. :) I was thinking about how you’re feeling a little bit discouraged about the writing. You’re first priority is as a daughter of the King. You’re second is to be an awesome wife. Writing is somewhere further down the line. You’re succeeding at the first 2, so I wouldn’t worry about not having much written yet. It will come! Love you! Have fun this weekend!”

I needed that text. I needed the reminder.

Writing is tough work and especially since I’m not trained in any kind of way that makes it seem even more like a somewhat crazy idea for me to attempt. If I’m keeping my priorities straight, and living as a daughter of the king, then everything after that will line up.

I was nervous to show what I have at this point and hesitant to share for fear of the changes that would need to be made, but with the encouragement of our mentors and the ladies in my group, I feel so excited!!! The hard work is about to begin and that’s going to mean changes in my day, but I know in the end, it’s gonna be worth it.

The weekend was a complete blessing. The Wounded Warrior Project paid for the flights, really nice hotel, and ALL of the food. The mentors were writers from books to TV shows. They’ve all won awards and prizes and were still willing to sit and help us become writers. Wow. It was all such a blessing!

I have more pictures from the trip coming, but my point and shoot isn’t great so one of the other gals snapped a bunch!

As for getting home, right as the plane was getting ready to take off; they powered down and took us back to the terminal. There was a mechanical issue which caused me to miss my connecting flight…which meant getting home about 5 hours later. I love traveling and all the adventures that go with it, but tonight was our bible study and I felt terrible for having to miss it AND have them switch plans. Other than that, it’s given me some time to write some of this and eat some chocolate. :)

This is my happy place…

Home with my Boy. My man. My love.

This is how we do.

2011-11-03T20:28:00.001-07:00

We were like this...

for most of the day.

I had a list of things that I needed to get done, calls to make, and not to mention pack! All I wanted was my husband.

I have been a wee bit emotional the last couple weeks. I think struggles that I’m going through and facing are starting to come to the surface a little more. It’s taking a toll on me to process everything and face it, but boy oh boy am I a thankful little lady because I don’t have to do it on my own!

The Lord himself is with me and already knows. He’s been patiently waiting for me to get to the point that I realize some of what I’m holding onto and things that are harboring in my heart. He’s been waiting for me to talk to Him about them. He wants to hear everything that’s on my heart even though He already knows (same for you!) and it brings a sweet kind of comfort.

See, all these “things” that take up so much room in my thoughts and time, well, those things crowd in and take up room the Lord wants-deserves.

I have to taste, chew, and swallow piece by piece, issue by issue, and struggle by struggle.

Every bite surrendering completely but still needing to work through it.

It’s interesting to me because there are a lot of tears that have been coming lately and Cale is a huge part of it…this brain injury is a part of it, yet, I’m still absolutely crazy about him. That can’t be taken away.

Tomorrow morning I’m flying to NYC again for the second half of the writer’s conference I had gone to back in July. I’m excited, but at the same time…I’ve been missing Cale before even leaving! I used to have the same emotions running their course before deployments and while he was on R&R (2 week vacation from deployment). A little silly since it’s only a few days…

Tuesday and Wednesday his brother Ty and his family were here visiting. We had so much fun with them! :) Yesterday Ty, Cale, and the two boys hung out and had a full day! They first tried mini golfing, and then had lunch at McDonalds and then Chuck E Cheese! Nikki and I went shopping and had girl time and then met up with the boys for the Chuck E Cheese fun. It was really great having them around. They’re stationed here in WA now, so we won’t have to go to the other side of the country to visit anymore!

We had Chinese with them at Cale’s moms house last night and Cale’s fortune cookie read, “Your presence livens up any conversation” I agree with that!

I’m already up way later than I had wanted to be…3:30am comes early! Yikes!

Cale,
You are such a blessing. Thank you for today and for all of your sweetness! I’m going to miss you tons, but I know we’ll talk on the phone lots! See you Monday Boy! Love you!
Your Girl

A Lady Bug, a Bee, & a Whoopie Cusion.

2011-10-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

There was...
Fun.
Candy, LOTS of candy.
Laughter.
Second batch of apple sauce and canning.
Kiddos coming to the door.
Smiles from Cale.
Candy...did I say this one yet?! So much candy in my tummy!
Crazy 8's.
Jokes.
Pictures.
Kisses.
Visiting neighbors.
Giving and getting candy (tons of candy!).
Seeing costumes.
Seeing Mama dressed up (this came from Cale! Hehe!).
...and a tickle war.

He's My Healer

2011-10-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

In church today we sang Healer by Kari Jobe. Oh man. I thought even with the hard morning that it was, that I had it together enough to get through service. Not quite the case. Tears have been coming a lot more frequent the last couple weeks as we’ve entered into this new stage and it seems to take a lot more perseverance to keep my eyes on Jesus then on myself.

The tears came and fell and wouldn’t stop! I had Mama’s shoulder to cry on and is there any shoulder better than a mothers?

I’ve posted the song before and have talked about the couple times that it has been sung over Cale. When the music started, I was already on my way to another world. I began to sing, “You hold my every moment…you calm my raging sea…” God is God and He knew before I walked into church this morning that in the deepest parts of my being, there was a raging sea…

Tears. Lots of tears. As they found their way down my cheeks and matted my hair to my face, all I could do was listen to the words and let them take hold of my brokenness. I trust Him. I may not understand or like it, but I trust Him. He’s my healer. He’s not just Cale’s physical healer (which every time that I’ve sung that song, that’s what I’ve claimed those words for), He’s also the healer of my heart. And even with the hurt, pain, frustration, confusion, anger, and doubt, He IS my portion. He IS enough for me.

It’s so easy to get lost and wrapped up in the moments, the everyday moments that don’t go the way we plan and forget about the One who is writing our story. Nothing is impossible for Him. It’s so easy to quickly read and say, but not so easy to believe. Do I believe? I always immediately think of Cale’s full recovery not being impossible for Him, which is correct, it’s not. It’s also not impossible for me to live a joyful life no matter the circumstance and situation because of the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me!

I just got all jazzed up! Haha!

It was just one of those days…even as I walked out of the church building; tears were still rolling down my cheeks.

Right off the bat this morning Cale made me laugh so hard! I was sitting on the couch when he woke up and came out to the living room. We talked for a minute and then it was time to get showered and ready for church. I sat on the edge of the couch and asked Cale to carry me in a whiny voice. He said no and then I proceeded to really whine and beg. There was even a “Waaaaah!” Cale, not being affected in the slightest, turns around and says, “Anyways…” and then walked away! He left me there! Haha! It was hilarious!

Love is a choice you make moment by moment -BA

Love can make you do things that you never thought possible. –Phil Collins

Starting again...

2011-10-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

So…since I haven’t written since we’ve been here, I feel like I have a TON to write. We’ll see how much I can get out…

After such a great and happy day Tuesday, it was a bit of a downer when Wednesday came and Cale was miserable. I had gotten up about 5am and went to the couch because I had woken up and not able to go back to sleep again. I ended up listening to our sermon from Sunday because I was in the nursery and missed out. Afterwards I spent time just worshipping and trying to get my focus in the right place. That ended up being just what I needed to battle the day. Isn't it always?

See, it wasn’t just going to be at home that we were going to deal with anger and frustration…we were going to be in the car for 4 hours. He already gets miserable in the car! The first half of the drive I was going crazy. He was miserable and it was awful and I thought several times about pulling over and finding someone nice around that wanted to play crazy 8’s for a couple days.

Of course I wouldn’t REALLY do that, but if I’m going to be totally honest, it was a thought. When we stopped for lunch we of course filled Cale up with chicken nuggets and that led us right into a really great rest of the drive! No joke. It was awwwwwesome! We talked and laughed and things seemed great.

Once we made it to Ft. Lewis, we had to go to CQ to sign papers and then get set up at the hotel. I liked seeing Cale’s reaction to all the guys in uniform and how he tried to figure out everyone’s rank. We had a little time in our room and still everything was good. Then, in the car on the way to dinner, we started to go downhill. I knew it was because he was tired, but I was hoping that getting some food in him would help…nope.

It at least wasn’t anything terrible or abnormal, but I knew he was hitting his point. On the way back to the hotel, the breaking point came. Cale had a melt down and by the time we were in our room, Kathleen was having her melt down too! At that point Cale had forgotten all about how he was upset, and saw that his wife was upset. He broke the silence of tears by saying, “Hey girl, come here.”

I do realize that it’s OK for me to be upset and have emotions and react, BUT, I also never want to stay there. I’ve written before about how I can get sad or angry, but I need to feel it and then move on and not stay in that pool and drown.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. -Philippians 4:8

I went over to him and let him comfort me even though he had no idea why. I let him be a husband to me, because those times come so little now. If I stay in my ugly place, I might miss out when he’s in his good place. If I stay selfish I lose out on giving him moments of being a man, of being Cale; of being blessed.

So…I put everything that was in my heart in the hands of the Ultimate Comforter and embraced the moment and the rest of the night. When we woke up Thursday morning, we had to get Cale shaved and once again I was nervous. He hates getting shaved now, but it went well and I didn’t cut him!

The day unfolded so many perfect memories. Last time we came to Ft. Lewis and Cale wore his ACU’s, I had to help him get dressed. He didn’t know all the correct ways the uniform was supposed to be worn and he was in a wheelchair. This time, he just about dressed himself, kept telling me things that were wrong with his uniform, and walked with his cane everywhere! It was so neat!!!

Once he was dressed we went to the lobby for breakfast but I had forgotten his meds. When I went back to the room, I had left the music on and Have Your Way by Britt Nicole was playing. It was exactly what I needed to hear! I was so thankful for it and took the extra minute to listen before grabbing the meds and back out to eat.

I had to post the video I had made last year because I can't hear that song now and not think about it...

The day was full of getting things crossed off our lists and a 3 hour meeting. We thought that today we’d be going home, but ended up needing to stay another day for 2 meetings today. We also had a great surprise because the unit he’s with here was doing a ceremony recognizing all the soldiers leaving so we got to be a part of it! The Coronel came and gave Cale a coin along with the others. It was so special! I was the cheesy wife that had to run up, stop everything, and get a picture of the moment! :) They were all great and let me do it! Hehe!

A couple quick ramdoms…

Yesterday Cale was able to dress with not much problem, but today he couldn’t do it. He was so stuck and confused. This is how other areas go like brushing his teeth. Sometimes it’s totally fine and he has no problem and sometimes he is blank.

When we first arrived here, Cale told me that he was scared. When I asked more, he said, he is scared when he’s anywhere but home.

One of the ladies that reads my blog shared on her blog about how something that I wrote had stood out to her. I thought it was so sweet she shared it on hers, but also, it blessed my heart to see how one statement that I had written, encouraged her and a few of the people that read her blog! What a blessing! God is so good. I love how He works. We don’t have to even try; we just need to be willing.

Click here to read her link

On Thursday while we were out with one of his sergeants, she reminded him when they were approaching an officer that he needed to salute. I thought it was so cool seeing him salute again! Then, today we went to the PX and as we’re walking in, I was babbling away and Cale saluted!!! He didn’t need help or a reminder AND I was talking to him so there was distraction! Ooooh yeah! That was even better!

These couple days with Cale back as SGT Darling, walking around with him, seeing him in his uniform, feeling the normalcy of it all has been…incredible. It brings back so many sweet memories and happy thoughts. Driving around, going to meetings, seeing so many soldiers, watching his formation today…all of it…all of it has been so good for me. This trip was us saying good bye to the Army (for the second time). He’s going on leave (vacation time) because he has so much saved up and in a few months he’ll technically be a veteran. As of the beginning of November, we’re on our own again. We’re going to be right back where we had left off before the accident. He signed papers today and tomorrow we travel. Doesn’t it seem crazy?! We’re living the same (yet not-so-same) moments that we did almost two years ago when life was oh so different.

I just got emotional.

If only...

2011-10-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit- Psalm 34:18

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -Matthew 11:25-30

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. -2 Corinthians 1:3-5

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. -Psalm 73:26

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. -Revelation 21:4

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. -Lamentations 3:31-33

It's been a rough day...again. I was clinging to the Lord mega and praying like a mad woman (or one on a mission). I have more to write about today, but my eyes are swollen, red, and tired. Cale has been in and out of anger and tonight my melt down #2 for this week came in like an avalanche.

We're at Ft. Lewis and tomorrow I have lots of meetings...

There was a moment I was able to catch only because the camera was sitting on the counter right next to us. I had been crying and Cale asked me to come to him. He had no memory of being upset just minutes before, but knew I was sad. We were like this for several minutes and then I realized it was a moment I needed to capture...

If only...

HE takes my breath away

2011-10-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

After Cale had already fallen asleep last night, I had to wake him up so he could take his meds. I was nervous not sure if my peaceful sleeping husband was going to be angry or not. I knew it was something that had to be done and wasn’t a choice. When I told him he needed to take his meds, he actually said ok and then rolled over to take them. My heart softened. I know that it’s not him trying to act out and be miserable. Once his meds were gone, he rolled back over and cuddled up next to me, kissed my hand and said, “I love you.” …and my heart then was not only softened, but melted.

He had no idea of what had happened earlier in the day. His memory was blank and all he knew was I was his wife and he loves me. That would be a good ending to the story that would leave you maybe with a warm fuzzy feeling in you tummy, but for me, well, the whole day was stuck on me like the stench of cow manure.

I would love to tell you that I bucked up and let the hurt of the day roll off me and left it behind…but the emotions from the day, the questions, and the strain of it all stayed. I just couldn’t cuddle right back up and be totally fine. And, I know that’s ok. I remember while at the Palo Alto VA I was told to let him get on and ride the (emotional) rollercoaster and I needed to learn to stand by and watch, but not get on with him. That is easier said than done.

I woke up at 3am and tossed and turned until 5. I just couldn’t get myself to sleep. Finally I was able to sleep for a little bit before getting up and ready for the day. I sat down with my coffee and quilt, picked up my Bible and turned on some worship music. It was the beginning of what turned out to be over 2 hours! It was amazing! I never-NEVER get that much time with the Lord just sitting with Him and that being the only thing on my agenda. I lost all track of time!

I cried. I sang. I read. I laughed. I danced. I wrote. I spoke. I listened.

One of the songs that were on my play list made my heart feel so full. I wanted to share it with you so I hunted on Youtube to find a video to share with you. I hope that you will take the time and listen to it. It’s a little long, but it’s so worth it!

For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” - Zephaniah 3:17

When Cale had woken up and come to where I was on the couch, I was shocked when I looked at the time! How did I forget about time? About the “to do” list? About the hurt and confusion? It all seemed to be so far away and the man standing in front of me was a gift. A pure treasured gift; a blessing. It’s not like I had never thought that or had forgotten, because I think that all the time, but this time, this time was different. I felt so much passion, a passion like I’ve never had for him as I said good morning and wrapped my arms around him for a big hug. As I rested my head against his chest and held him so tight, you want to know what picture came to mind? My arms around Jesus and my head against His chest. As I’m Caleb’s bride, I’m also Christ’s bride and the image was almost more than I could grasp.

From the moment Cale said good morning back to me, everything was different. He was totally different the whole day. I’m not going to say that my worship time was what changed everything because there are always a lot of factors, but I can say 100% that there was a change in Kathleen after my time this morning. Wow. Incredible.

He had OT again today and want to know how it went?! It was not just good, but GREAT!!! They had a great session! Teresa had suggested driving and I let her know that I was going to stay behind and let them go. First, he wanted to go before they even left the house! He was totally willing to go and not have me with him. When they came back, Teresa and Cale told me how great he did! I was so excited! She said his driving was so much better too! After she left, she sent me a text that read, “Wow! Completely different! :)” Yaaaahoooo!!!!!!! Praise God!! Oh man! SMILES!!!!!!!!

He also had Speech tonight…AND, it went great!!!! I listened to a lot of it, but at one point Mama and I went to my room and did a couple things so I missed out on how it was going. When they were finishing up Doreen gave me a thumbs up and said it went so good! I just can’t even believe the difference!

Thank you for praying. All of your messages, emails, texts, comments, and calls were such a blessing to me and I could see the work of prayer today! Thank you!

Yesterday at his eye appointment Dr. Karen took off the prism to see if it was making things worse for him. She said because he keeps taking his glasses off and not wearing them consistently, it was actually causing his brain to do a lot more work and messing him up. She said people without a TBI struggle and complain with prism because it changes how they function. This being off and back to just prescription could have been part of his mood…

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. –Isaiah 41:10

We also had our own fun today-enjoy! :)

We couldn't kiss because a nose was in the way!

Cale asked today, “What’s the difference between a burp and a hiccup?”
How would you explain this?

Really tough.

2011-10-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

It’s been a tough day. Really tough. The second half of my dinner was eaten with tears streaming down my cheeks. Some days are just hard.

I often think of a video game that I had played with Cale a long time ago. I remember my life tank was always flashing red and almost empty. He would tell me to hide and let my life grow again…well, there’s nowhere to hide from life and brain injury, but every time I submerge myself in the Word and in the presence of Jesus, I feel my life tank refill. With Him, it will never go empty.

Cale had OT and time with his RS today. OT didn’t go so well…his therapies haven’t been going great again. It’s hard when I see him getting so frustrated and not wanting to do anything when I know he needs it.

He also had a vision appointment and that went about as good as OT went. You know those machine things that they put in front of you and look in your eye? Cale shoved one of them out of the way with no hesitation. He was done.

It’s been really hard the last 6 days with Cale in almost a constant bad mood. The smallest things are setting him off, for instance, I sneezed three times earlier and that made him mad.

I’m not saying this to speak against my husband or badly of him, but to let you see even a sliver into how our days have been going and where we’re at. The anger and frustration start to wear me down when it’s so constant, but that’s why me being in constant prayer is so vital! My heart hurts for him because he just isn’t able to process, filter, and work through all of his emotions. His eyes bothering him could be the simple thing that triggers his negative emotions. It could be more…we just don’t know and he doesn’t know how to tell us. He was asleep by 7:15 tonight, so him being tired may have been a big deal for today.

Speaking of him being tired, he hasn’t taken a nap during the day since we were in NY! He has laid down with me asking, but never falls asleep. This took a little of “time I need” away, but it’s great if he’s moved out of that.

Praying us through each minute…I know we’ll get through this. We have an appointment with his doctor next Monday to look at Meds and what changes have been made and maybe still need to be made. I’ve also talked with his therapist and we’re going to try praying before every therapy session and when he starts getting upset, having them pray with him. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this before…!

My getaway today was making applesauce and then canning it while he was gone with the RS. My home smelled so good and I must say that my sauce turned out so tasty! I only had time to do 6 jars before needing to leave to his eye appointment, so I think there will be a little more tomorrow!

Funny time...

Cale said last night, "Eh, I think I should get money." I asked for what and he said, "for reading your texts to you. Can I?" I gave a funny look and started laughing and then he added, "kisses?" Haha!

pumpkin patch with no pumpkin pictures?

2011-10-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

On Thursday we went to the Pumpkin Patch with our friends Sarah and her son Deacon. Cale wasn't in the best mood before we left the house and kind of stayed grumpy through the first part of it. He wasn't at all pleased with the idea of walking around and picking out pumpkins.

We did pet a reindeer...

and some goats...

we saw a couple really cute pigs that I wanted to take home...

and some soft cows...

There was a lot of hay...

We had fun with our friends...

and even though I took forever (in his mind) to pick out pumpkins, he still loves me! :)

We did get ice cream afterwards which was really tasty! That cheered Cale up and the rest of the time he was in a much better mood. After all the walking during the day, he still had PT that night!

He played hockey in the drive way...

On Friday he drove again in the park. He hasn't driven in several weeks and this time we thought he should try our car. Well, the grumpiness continued so driving was an adventure. His OT always amazes me at how calm she stays and how confident she is in his abilities. I was in the back seat with sweaty palms and a racing heart. We had a friend from church join us...I was a bit nervous for her too! I talked with his OT afterwards and she said he actually did better than the last time and his behavior is what got in the way. He was hitting the gas petal at times that should have been the break, but he seemed very much aware and purposeful in how he was reacting. At one point that I thought he was going to hit the side cement I said, "Caleb" well, that wasn't the best thing because that just lit the fire of frustration.

He was able to stay in the lines a lot better and when he was actually trying to drive good, he kept checking his speed. I think I just decided that the driving is going to need to be a thing he does with the therapist and I'm just going to have to be told how it went. I think with his anger and frustration bursts and my nerves, well, it's not a good recipe for pleasantville!

Friday night he had speech therapy and I went to church and spent time with a group of awesome women. A few of the women had gotten 900lbs of apples and we all set up station for the canning process! There were peelers, choppers, stirrers, mashers, washers, um...and other jobs that went along with it. My favorite part was getting to hear all the tips these ladies had to share! I felt like I needed a notebook to write everything down they were sharing. I ended up cutting my thumb and burning my arm, but other than that it was a injury-free night! :)

This morning Cale had another speech session. I listened to part of it while they were working on some word finding. I'm so proud of him and so thankful that even though he thinks it's all dumb and doesn't understand why he needs therapy, he does it. He (usually) always does it.

We also spent time with Sonny and Emily our neighbors. Sonny hung out with Cale for about an hour for some guy time and I hung out with Emily for some girl time! I'd say that was a perfect idea! :) Later on, we also spent time with Mike and Rachel! We had a blast with them like always!

Tonight he was a bit upset...the Red Wings lost their game. Not a good game! Maybe the next game will be better? I hope so!

Thank you for praying for me...for us! I am so blessed to have a whole bunch of people all over the world praying! Please keep it up!

Hi.

2011-10-21T07:34:00.001-07:00

I'll post a better update later, but I just wanted to quickly post about...me.

Cale took this picture of me on Wednesday while we were out and about. I laughed and said, "that was unattractive!" Cale looked at it on the little screen on the camera and said, "you're beautiful." He is the sweetest man...

This post is me coming to you like I have so many times before and asking for prayer. I'm not going to drag it out and dump all of my thoughts on here...I have to get in the shower and ready for the day, so you're lucky!

I'm struggling. I'm having a really hard time and in the midst of this (whatever it is) the Lord has been faithful as always to meet me where I'm at and surround me in His presence.

I'm asking Jesus to hold me near...

that He would hold this little blonde girl on His lap and lift my chin so that my eyes are looking into His...I want to get lost in His deep never-ending love.

I also need a good slap on my hand.

Just so you know, it's not even about Cale or wanting him better and a different life...of course, maybe in the waters somewhere of all my emotions and thoughts, that is a part of it, but honestly, that's not what I'm struggling with...a bit of surprise to me?

Thank you in advance for praying for me. I know you are. I know I'm not carrying this all alone.

Thank you!

are nuggets worth it?!

2011-10-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, Dan Wheldon an Indy Race car driver died yesterday in a terrible racing accident. He had come to the VA while we were in Palo Alto. His wife and two boys need prayer along with the rest of his friends and family!

Here’s the post I had written when we had seen him…

Click here to read!

I thought I’d share the whole post because if you read it, it’s so encouraging to look back on that day and see where Cale was at…not talking! We still had fun though as I shared a moment of laughter we had shared.

Yesterday for therapy Cale walked Basil with his RS. She had one leash and Cale had another. This gave her the ability to be in control while also letting Cale have some of the control. It seemed to work nicely and she said it was better than the last walk they had done. While they took the walk, I stayed back and talked with the coordinator for his therapy about the direction we’re going and how we may be at a point that we need to switch things up again.

Cale has been having some difficulties lately in therapy. Well, for some of them it’s been for a while. He doesn’t want to do it. He thinks everything is dumb and doesn’t understand that it helps him. With refusing to do anything, well, that means it’s really hard to do therapy. Sound familiar? You might remember our therapy struggles before while inpatient. It’s such a tough place because he still needs it. It’s so beneficial and a huge blessing to even have it right now like we do. On the other hand, if he’s not making progress because he refuses, than where does that leave us? Although, as you’ve seen, there’s still progress even with a stubborn man. ;) We’ve bounced around a few ideas and will try some out and see how things go!

They also did a Dix-Hallpike test on him which he tested negative. At first he was willing and went along with it, but on the right side he did have a mild reaction and when that was said, it sent him into a bad mood instantly. He slammed his hand on the table and got off as quickly as he was able. The bad news is that he had gotten upset and that it wasn’t a “fixer” that we were hoping for. Obviously it wouldn’t have healed him and made everything perfect, but the thought of it helping out was there. Good news is that we were able to cross something off. At least we were able to give it a try!

I had a few errands to run once therapy was over. Cale seemed to have moved on from being angry, so off we went. It was also lunch time and after offering several different options for him, he refused to eat. I had made broccoli and cheddar soup and after I was done, and knowing I couldn’t get him to eat anything, I suggested McDonalds. I just recently put together a new budget for us much like what we had set up before the accident, but with changes. Before we were always really great about budgeting, but once we were in hospital life and everything had changed, it just didn’t apply like it once had. It was still somewhat there, but not like it once was. I had changed it up and started using a different format since we’ve been back home, but it wasn’t as detailed and set up like I need now. One of the things I kept from what we did before was giving each of us an amount that is for us to use on whatever we want. When we have a baby this will have to go away, but for now it gives good boundaries on spending. So, with my suggestion about getting McDonalds was followed with letting Cale know that it would come out of his “play” money. This made him think twice about getting it! He asked the amount he had and when we figured out about how much he would spend for food, he didn’t want it as much.

It only lasted about a minute though and he was back to being ok with spending it! Haha! Since there’s not anything that Cale really wants and enjoys right now anyways, it’s not a big deal to spend it on chicken nuggets! :)

One of our errands was to the post office. There was a package waiting for us with a really pretty quilt!! A very sweet lady in CA who had met us while at the VA spent her time making this beautiful quilt that is put together so perfectly! Just looking at it I can tell a lot of time and work went into it. As I read my Bible this morning I wrapped myself up in it and was so cozy!

Last night was our small group. One of the couples just had a baby, um…2 weeks ago? Maybe 3? Well, I’m sure you can guess who held the baby lots! Me! :) He is SO sweet and made me smile…a lot. I was looking around our living room last night while we were discussing the topic and thought about how incredibly blessed we are and how different our life is now from last year. We’re home! And we’re able to open up our home for bible study! This was also one of the times I was holding the baby and thinking about how amazing it is that the thought of a baby is actually a thought and possibility! Praise God!

Speaking of babies…

My brother and sister-in-law had a baby yesterday! Kaya weighed 6lbs 7oz. I can’t wait to meet her!

Today Cale had OT and one of the changes we’re going to try with PT and OT is to push him a little and do more formal type therapy. Today Teresa did some testing with him trying to see where he’s at with his right hand, left hand, and some visual discrimination. It was another time that I wondered how he was going to take it, especially since he had just had therapy with his RS and had entered into grumpiness right before she left. He did great though! He even beat me at his hand strength (his strong and weak hand! ).

Hand strength -take notice of his facial expressions ;)…

Dexterity…

Visual discrimination…

Dexterity/visual perception…

We also started a chore list! The therapist suggested we come up with three things that Cale can help do around the house that are his responsibility and also write down some of mine. That way he can see that he has less than me and how much it helps me for him to take some jobs. This was at first tricky because I can get him to help me (me helping him), but doing things independently doesn’t come as easy. After some creativity we came up with him being able to give Basil water, sweep the living room, and clearing the table. He still needed a little help with sweeping, but he actually did a really great job!

A few things to be praying for…

1) Cale’s mood, tolerance level, frustration, anger, endurance.
2) Small Group-I think it’s going to be like Bingo where he starts out with a couple minutes and will work his way to enjoying it the whole time. Right now it’s still hard for him.
3) A guy friend/mentor/example for him. He really needs a guy that loves Jesus and can be a friend to him and an example of a godly man. I’ve been praying for this kind of guy that has “time” for him and can come along side him for so long.
4) And of course more healing and progress!

A word and a bit of a laugh!

2011-10-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up way too early for Sunday mornings and wasn’t able to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned for a while and when sleep wouldn’t come, I prayed and asked the Lord why he had me awake. Was there something he wanted to say to me? I decided to get up while the house was still quite and ended up joining our church in NY online. After the service was over, I still had plenty of time and took advantage of the quietness and dug into my Bible. I prayed specifically for a word for someone that would be encouraging, challenging, or even just a reminder. A lot of times my prayer times are very self-focused. With going through life with my husband having brain injury, I so quickly think about our needs and healing for him. Just within the last week or so, it’s been pointed out to me in different ways how selfish I am! Don’t worry, no one is coming to me telling me, but I can feel the tug of the Holy Spirit in a few different areas in my life.

So, I’m breaking free of it! As I studied my Bible and spent time in prayer, a name was put on my heart and I began to type an email to them. The thing was, it wasn’t fully in my head when I started praying, but trusting that the Lord was going to guide my fingers, I typed. I do pray that when I hit send it went to the person that needed it, but I also wanted to share it on here. I’m not sure what challenges in life your experiencing and walking through right now, but as I did this morning, I pray that these words would encourage, challenge, or just be a reminder for you…and if they’re not for you, then would you pray for someone that might read them on this little blog that does need them?

Your life has made a turn down a road that you weren't expecting, it has become a life that you wish that you could understand but no threads will allow it to happen, and instead they seem to be scattered all around you and moving constantly so that every time you try to pull everything together, it feels impossible. For you to be able to continue to wake up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other, your time with the Lord needs to be priority and is your only lifeline. So many other things will push and fight for your attention and distract you, but He is truly the ONLY life preserver. How to start and what to say, what to pray and how to pray all are reality in a mind where everything seems unreal and you feel disconnected from your own body, but with Christ it is possible to gain strength and peace. Call on Him continually. Short simple prayers that you continue to speak out will lift you and begin to carry you. He knows your needs. He knows your thoughts. He knows your pain. He knows your fears. He knows your dreams. He knows your heart-but He still wants to hear it. Start with just one day that you continually talk to Him, giving every thought to the Lord. Soon, it will become a conversation...and you will be brought to a place like you've never known or been able to imagine!

Pray continually. -1 Thessalonians 5:17

After a great time in the word, my prayer time continued as I woke Cale up to get ready for the day. This always has great potential to go badly. He didn’t want to wake up and along with that didn’t want to go to church. Part of what he was saying made me laugh because of the way he said it, but at the same time, it was so sad. I put my hand on his head and started praying. I prayed for joy and freedom from what the enemy wants to have control of. I demanded it back and prayed that Cale would be able to overflow with joy in Jesus name! Nothing happened huge in the moment, but I know my prayer didn’t just hang in the air void! Cale did finally get out of bed and went to church with a smile. :)

The first song we sang at church was, It Is Well with My Soul. Sonny our worship leader talked about how in the craziness of the world and all that is happening, we can still truly say that it is well with our souls! We know the outcome of all that is happening and we can rest in confidence and not worry our days away. I loved listening to Cale sing the words, beautiful. As I stood next to him singing, I thought about the words that were coming out of my own mouth. Is it really well with my soul that my husband has brain injury? Can you say it is well with your soul that you lost your job, have a terrible relationship with your spouse, or were just diagnosed with cancer? With Jesus…somehow the answer can be yes because we know that life is so much more!

Some funny moments from Cale today…

When he puts on his socks in the morning, they must be perfect. Some of his socks have lines or markings on them and if they’re crooked, he can’t move on until they’re straight! It cracks me up to watch him fuss with them! Anyone else like that?

He wanted to know why boxers are box-hers and not box-hims since they're underwear for guys.

Before it was time to leave for church we were playing Crazy 8’s. I lost three times in a row and after the third game, Cale said, “I’m a pro.” I said, “oh really” to which he quickly replied, “You’re a proloser! A good one!” When I responded to this he added, “You’re good at losing!” Hmm…haha!

In church while our Pastor was giving the sermon he plucked his nose hairs…a good way to pass the time? ;)

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

p.s. I just want to add that I didn’t mean to make my comment on my post a couple days ago about struggling and thinking people aren’t reading anymore a whiny poor me thing…or to even be the focus of the post. I know that you’re still reading. I honestly do but my mind is such an easy door for attack…sad, but true. Thank you for your sweet comments, emails, and messages letting me know you’re still there. They’ve been a blessing! Thank you for your continued prayers after all of this time!
Love ya!

Date Night!!!!

2011-10-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday with the help of the therapist, Cale planned a surprise date night for us! Can I just say that I have been waiting for the day that my man could take me on a date again? Maybe in the whole big picture that’s such a silly simple thing that doesn’t hold much thought, but it was there, sitting in my heart waiting…waiting to happen. It doesn’t matter at all that he needed help because that to me doesn’t hold much thought…it happened! He took me for a date and from what his therapist said, he did the planning!

They had left for therapy and were making all the plans. When they came back, Jamie wrote down the addresses of where we needed to be and at what times. Cale also had a gift bag and flowers! :)

Our first place to be was at 5pm, so after a quick picture, we were off!

I put the address in the GPS and followed along. I couldn’t stop smiling! Caleb was pretty tired at first, but as the night went on he started to wake up. He was holding the camera and snapped some pictures on our drive. I told him how excited I was and how special the night was, he then said, “I’m a man!” Hehe!

He liked the flowers in my hair…

Us! It was at a stop light so no worries ;) Cale does a good job snapping photos!

The first stop was dinner at Outback Steakhouse! We both ordered steak and I had no trouble eating my helping!

We couldn’t have a special date night without ordering dessert too! It was yummy!!!

The man of the night...

I also opened the gift while at dinner, Cale got me shoes and I love them! They’re a tad too small, so I’m hoping when we take them back they’ll have my size!

The shoes were great, but the card is what sent me overboard. The words were perfect and so sweet. It read…

I love our love story…
the ups,
the downs,
the twists
and turns,
the love
that keeps us
together
through
it all…
And I love
looking back
to the day
we met,
remembering all
the sweet moments
that are forever
in my heart.
I love knowing that time
has made us stronger
and brought us
even closer
together…
And when I think
of tomorrow,
wondering what
our love story
will hold,
I know it will be
wonderful
for I’ll be sharing it
with you.

Our next stop was to the movies! Towards the end of dinner Cale let me see the tickets. I had never heard of the movie and was nervous about going to see it, so I sent Mama a text to make sure it’s something I could sit through. With good reviews we decided it should be ok. Do you remember me talking about how new movies are hard for Cale to watch? He usually can’t sit through a movie that he hasn’t seen because he can’t follow it and process quick enough to understand what’s going on. In fact, the couple movies that we’ve gone to the theater to watch before have both gone, well, not so great. He gets bored and just wants to leave. Since he planned the date and picked the movie, I wanted to give it a try. He had no idea what the movie was about, but he did pick it. Not only did we have fun, it was the first movie that he was able to sit through and enjoy!! He even followed most of it!!! When the movie was over and the credits were going, he wouldn’t let us leave until they were all gone! We were the last one sitting in the theater and the guy had already started cleaning! Haha! Cale was dancing to the music and I watched in complete amusement.

It was such a great night! We had a blast with each other and I think he was so proud that he planned it! We even stayed up later than usual because he didn’t have therapy today so we were able to sleep in and be lazy (again!).

I sent Jamie a text telling her it was an awesome date and here was her reply…

Yay! He planned the whole thing. And it was his idea to get you shoes. I was shocked cuz I know how much he hates to shop, but he looked at all of them and chose those. He’s so cute, he gets so excited doing things for you :) even the flowers, he wanted daisies because he said they are your favorite. When we didn’t find those he said, “then we need pink ones!” so sweet! Glad you had fun!

Tonight is another Red Wings game! They’ve won the last three so they’re undefeated at this point! We both have our gear on and are excited for another game that we say they’re going to win! :)

Catching up and a hoodie kind of day...

2011-10-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

Oh man…

It’s another one of those times that I stare at the computer screen wondering where to even start. I think to be able to get as much out as I can remember and without taking up hours of your time, I’m going to pile together all sorts of random moments and hope that you enjoy reading and our blessed in some way! :)

On Friday when we had lunch with Melissa (last post), we had already been running late and then still had to stop for gas. While I was pumping, Melissa had called to see if we were on our way, when I got back in the car, Cale told me the whole conversation! It was a short conversation, but how awesome that he was able to retain it and share it! I had a hard time not laughing just because of how he said it all and how he was disgruntled that she didn’t say good bye and just hung up. He even called her right back after he told me about the conversation and asked her why she didn’t say bye! Haha!

Another time that he completely surprised me with verbalness (my word) was Sunday night. We met some of our good friends at Mc Donalds after an already busy day. Like always, there was a lot of talking and sharing of stories and Cale just isn’t a fan. Side note-I realized that him not loving sitting and talking for long periods of time and his love for playing card/board games is not far off from before his injury. He would tolerate the talking before, but I think we’re getting there! Anyways…we had to break out crazy 8’s. This was the second time that night, but this time when he explained it to our friends, he blew me away! He described different situations of what would happen if he laid a card down and then she laid another. It was awesome! He did get stuck a few times and needed help, but for the most part I just sat behind him with my mouth hanging open in surprise!

We did leave room for silly pictures before scooting out…

Right before that visit with Darryl and Katie, we had been visiting with our small group from NY. While we were in NY after the group started, we fell in love with our group! At the time that it first started, we were going through a parenting study. We weren’t parents yet of course, but we still wanted to learn all that we could and gain wisdom. One of the nights (Thursdsay before Thanksgiving in 2008 to be exact) on our drive home, Caleb said, “I’m ready to be a dad.” Now, we had both really wanted kids before that, but as much as I was ready and waiting (sometimes not-so-patiently) he wasn’t to the point that he felt completely ready. When those words came, my heart was doing the Tango…

The sad part was that he was deploying a little over a month later, so it wasn’t time for the Tango, maybe the Waltz. With all that happened in our hearts and the way that we came to grow together as a small group, we became family. Now being back, I was told about how large the group has grown and all that’s happening with it, exciting! I also was able to share a little about the small group we started here and I have hopes for the same family-like bond! :)

Here we are with the (amazing) leaders of the group on the right and one of the couples on the left…

The weather during our whole visit was so beautiful! I’d even say, perfect! We were definitely blessed! Tony and Hannah had something going on at the church that morning, so Cale and I took advantage and slept in! I actually decided to get up and take advantage of the quietness and let the Boy sleep. This gave Rocko (their dog) and I a little bonding time, which may have led to a lot more respect and admiration for Hannah! He’s a wild one! After they were home, Tony and Caleb went for some guy time. When they came back they told us of how they walked in the mall like mummies…? Haha! The two of them being gone and Jaxon taking his nap gave the girlies some good talking time. It was long overdue! Once the guys came back we all headed outside and took some pictures! Hannah is another photographer friend! I have so many which may be a reason I love pictures so much…I just don’t have the skill! Well, along with a ton of fun, we ended up with great photos!

That night we wanted something special for dinner and decided on Texas Roadhouse because Cale loves steak. The downside is that the place is so loud and too much for a lot of people without a brain injury! We ended up getting ours to go and enjoyed it at home. After dinner, the four of us watched a movie and shortly after it was time for bed!

Backing up to Hannah and I sharing our hearts, I had been sharing a little about feeling discouraged that people aren’t reading the blog as much and that leads to maybe not praying for continued healing for Cale, and how I want so badly to be used for the Lord through this “story” of ours. It was nothing that I haven’t shared before, but, obviously still on my heart. I had also just shared it the night before with Julie. I have just been hearing a lot lately people saying they haven’t been reading. Even though I know people are still praying, the enemy is always looking for ways to attack, right? So, after this being on my heart, while we were standing in the parking lot of Texas Roadhouse trying to decide what our plans were going to be, a lady walks up and says that she has been reading the blog and praying for us! She also shared how encouraged she has been from reading the blog!! We had never met her before and I can’t even remember her name! In the few minutes we had with her, I wanted to hug her and tell her what a blessing she was over and over! It was perfect timing…the Lord gave me a few different gifts over the week just like this.

A couple more randoms…

One change I noticed the most in Caleb through the week was how he started talking more in sentences. It’s not always or consistent, but I’d say it’s happening often. It’s kind of entertaining to listen to because it surprises me and then fills me with so much joy! This leads to be laughing sometimes and him being confused as to what could possibly be so funny. We have fun! ;)

He jumps! One night Jaxon asked if he could jump and Cale said yes! Next thing I know, Hannah comes up stairs and says, “Your husband is jumping.” Uh? Sure enough, I went downstairs and asked and he did it! This is another reason why having kids is a great idea…they see no boundaries!

Another time of surprise was Sunday after church Tony, Hannah, Cale, and Jaxon were all outside waiting for me to finish talking so we could all get home. Again Hannah comes to me with crazy news…”Your husband is walking on a ledge with Jaxon.” Uh? Haha! Again! So, there’s this ledge around the church that Jaxon was walking on. Cale decided to join him. I have no idea how he did it, I can’t even begin to think how it was possible, but he climbed right up! He has trouble with getting off and on the sidewalk, so how in the world did he climb a ledge that is like 4 times as high?! Crazy.

Monday was another day that Tony and Cale had guy time and Hannah and I had girl time. We also had some errands (fun errands!) to run. Monday evening was a baby shower for one of my friends who is expecting a little boy! I’m so excited for her! She actually hosted and put together her own shower just so that I could be a part of it while I was visiting. So sweet! That also meant more girl time because Cale went to hang out with all the guys. Sadly, I didn’t get one picture with Tigger! :(

Tuesday was supposed to be the day we went to Ft. Drum, but Cale was so tired and wouldn’t wake up! The baby shower was on post, so I tried pointing a few things out to him Monday night but he wasn’t interested at all. I wish the guys from his unit would have been there because I know he would have wanted to see them! They’re all deployed.

Since we didn’t go to Drum, we did get to visit our Pastor, his wife, and one of their daughters. Before we left Tony and Hannah’s, Cale played Crazy 8’s with Carolyn (the pastor’s wife). And then, after everything was packed up again, it was time to go to Charlie and Jean’s home. We stayed there Tuesday night and then Wednesday morning Charlie drove us to the airport. It was such a good night of visiting! Charlie and Jean made us a super tasty dinner and then Charlie and Caleb watched a baseball game on TV. Charlie said Cale was able to follow the game and call plays! Also, Tom and Julie stopped by to see us, which was a treat!

By the end of the night, I was exhausted and Cale was still wired! He eventually fell asleep and morning came too soon. We had three flights going back home and by the last flight neither of us could keep our eyes open! Our bed Wednesday night was glorious! Haha!

I had lots of plans and a list of things to get done yesterday, but instead we ended up being lazy and taking a nap. Caleb did have speech at 10am, so we didn’t get to sleep in too much, but right after it was back to lazy time. He was supposed to have PT last night, but that wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t get myself going all day and he was wiped out.

Today Cale had OT and took Basil for a walk. I stayed back and watched out the window and then started laundry and still need to unpack, grocery shop, and he has therapy at 2!

One last thing that happened on the way home…

For almost 2 years, it’s been about Cale’s needs. From big stuff to little things, it’s what he needs and what will help him. I love him and am totally willing to continue to put him first and care for him as long as he needs. On one of our flights home, I walked with him to the bathroom. There was already someone in it and someone in line. The line was moving slow and I knew that he really needed to go, and in the midst of my thoughts, Cale turned to me and asked if I needed to go to the bathroom too. When I said I didn’t, he said, “Ok. If you did, I would let you go first.” He thought of my needs and was going to set his aside. This warmed my heart in ways that I can’t explain. Not just because it was about me, rather the tenderness from my husband thinking about his wife. It was a small thing, but so big to me. I almost went to the bathroom just to soak up the moment! The two people behind me were quite glad I didn’t have to go!

AND...we have been trying since March to get an Ipad through the VA or Army. When we came home Wednesday night there was one here waiting for us! If you know any good brain challenging games (simple), problem solving, or memory games, let us know! :)

Our trip so far...

2011-10-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

We held this baby...

Cale held him for a while and it was definitely a sweeeeet moment (more pics at end of post!). The baby was sleeping and Cale would softly touch his face. I saw Cale’s face change after a while and asked if he was doing ok to which he said, “Eh, I don’t want to hold him anymore. I’m bored.” I wasn’t disappointed in the slightest about needing to take a turn! After just a few minutes, baby Levi started to wake up, his eyes opened and he started to move his hands. As soon as he did, Cale leaned over and was suddenly captured once again! :)

He played these…

You may remember that Cale has been learning drums with our worship leader at church. We haven’t been great at being consistent, but life has been a bit…uh…crazy. So far he’s been learning on a drum pad, but while hanging with friends he got right on the set! He had fun, but afterwards he did say that he wasn’t good. I know he’ll get there though!

We had some late night fun…

Boys are crazy…

Girls are sweet…

Ha!

Friends…

We’re staying with Tony and Hannah while we’re here. It’s been so great! Tony is really good with Cale and has been having some guy time with him. We’ve also been playing a lot of Crazy 8’s! Hannah and I have been getting in some good girl talk too and well, that’s just needed!

We had lunch with Melissa…

…and even though I spilt water on her she still loves me.

We spent some much needed time with our adopted NY family…

About a month after moving to NY, we met them and instantly loved them. Through the years that we were here, we spent holidays with them, had game nights, and spent time together as if they were family. We have been so blessed to have them in our lives!

It’s been wonderful so far! The time change hasn’t been an issue for Cale because he’s not adjusting himself and I’m not making him. He stays up late and sleeps in…sounds like a vacation to me! Haha! I was thinking that it might be easier for him to adjust when we get back home if I don’t fight it all now.

Here are some pictures that were taken Thursday night by the Hoppers…

WA to NY!

2011-10-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

Oh the joys of traveling. It’s been quite the trip indeed! I thought we were getting to bed early last night; lights were out between 9-9:30pm. My alarm was set to go off at 3:30am and my plan was to get Caleb up at 4. Neither of us slept most of the night, between a cover hog and the dog it was the perfect picture of a nonstop rollathon (whatever that looks like). Almost on the dot Cale woke up to go to the bathroom. This has happened before and ends up being perfect! While he’s taking care of business, I swoop in getting his clothes set up on the bed. I asked if when he was done if he could get dressed. I knew with the clothes sitting right where he would get back in bed, they would serve as a perfect reminder. My attention was required in the finishing up of gathering all the last minute “stuff” to get packed. When I went back to the room to check on Cale and see how his task at hand was going, I found him and Basil cuddled up and asleep! At least he was dressed though!

Cale in an exhausted state of mind is much like a cranky 2 year old, but instead of the screaming fits; he titles everything loudly as “dumb.” While in the airports we’ve been having fun it’s a good break up for the zone of tiredness. I must say, even with him being so tired, he’s been a champ! I’m proud of him!! Again he was able to walk to each gate without the wheelchair. I had planned ahead to make sure we had long enough layovers so a couple stressors could be knocked out. I think his favorite part so far has been the moving sidewalks. As soon as he saw the first one today, he pointed and said, “Let’s go!” As if we needed to conquer the challenge. He cruises on them now! My short little legs were going double time to keep up with his long legs! Haha! He smiles the entire time we’re on them.

The flights have been rather interesting…more for the lady next to us then for us. The first flight it was just us and we were able to pretzel ourselves enough to get somewhat comfy and doze off and on. Not a point to feel rested, but enough to make the flight seem really quick! The second flight we had to ask someone to switch spots because we were separated and that just wasn’t going to do…

Cale had the window seat, me the middle, and Pam (that’s what we’ll call her) had the aisle. She didn’t respond to my attempts at conversation, but I know that she had entertainment while watching us during the 3 hour flight! Our time consisted of switching from music to PSP back to music, PSP again; mixed in with a few other focused attempts to keep a melt down from surfacing. Cale was bored and when he’s tired and bored it’s a lot harder to find the right fit to keep him steady. We also tried more sleep, but on this flight he was feeling the lack of leg room. At one point he had his legs spread out reaching in front of my seat, one of my legs was up on my seat and then my other leg was folded and bent in a yoga-like position over his. This caught her attention…I saw her eyes peek from behind her glasses that sat on the tip of her nose.

When Cale listened to music, he would tap all around and sing out loud so that the people around us could also enjoy the exciting music he was listening to. I thought it was fun and since I knew the songs, I liked getting to listen, but I can’t say that everyone else would say the same. This was all joined in with belly full laughter from me when at one point Cale tapped my arm followed with, “Eww!” When I looked up, the top of his index finger was hosting an unwanted booger…uh…oh yes, she peeked again from behind her glasses and I’m sure was grossed out and wishing she had been the one willing to switch spots earlier. I pulled out a wrinkled napkin from my purse and cleaned everything up. Not even a minute later Cale shouts out, “Eww! Again! Eww!” Yes, you guessed right, another booger. This happened a third time before he was finished. I was laughing hysterically…

Our flight landed in Atlanta 20 minutes early, but we stayed on for a while waiting for most of the passengers to exit before we try. It’s a lot nicer than feeling like we have to rush to get out of the way! As soon as our plane pulled up to the gate, they started playing music over the speaker. We had fun singing to each other and at that point, it didn’t matter at all that we were singing out loud because everyone was already leaving the plane! :)

We’ve had a good time chillin’ in Atlanta. After dinner we had to get some frozen yogurt…we were left without a choice! It just had to happen! Heehee! Cale has perked up quite a bit so hopefully this next flight is good for him. We’ve been watching a, I’d say, 6 month old baby girl and her daddy. So sweet! I think it’s good for him to see daddy’s and their children…

Yesterday morning when I was reading my Bible and using my devotional, the first line read, “Trust and thankfulness will get you safely through this day.” My first reaction was, “uh oh!” while wondering what was going to come my way that I would need to be reminded of that. Haha! In the next paragraph it read, “Keeping your eyes on Me (Jesus) is the same thing as trusting Me. It is a free choice you must make thousands of times daily.” As I went through the day, I was trying to remind myself and keep trust and thankfulness at the front lines of my thoughts and how I responded to circumstances that came up. Nothing big happened, but there were at least two specific times that it changed my attitude towards something.

One of them being last night after we turned the lights off, I closed my eyes and started to think about going to NY with Cale. Instantly I saw his face. It’s still so hard for me to grasp and understand the feeling of having this man as my husband, but feeling like I was married to another man. I’m not sure that I could ever explain the emotional thought process I replay over and over in my head. Anyways…back to what I was saying, I saw Cale (preaccident) and began to relive several memories. I suddenly had this desperate overwhelming need to touch him; to talk to him, to hold him. I’m sure you might be thinking as you’re reading that I needed to open my eyes and I could do all those things, but…it was so real to see him that way again in that moment. The tears were coming and I started to wish that I could just scream really loud and everything would go back to February 9, 2010. That life would be just how wonderful I remembered it being. Will I ever get past wanting to find the rewind button? Not sure. I do know that every day I am changing and I know my heart is being molded and my love for Cale continually is being deepened, but it doesn’t “fix” anything.

Right as I was about to have myself a little meltdown, two words popped into my little brain: trust and thankfulness.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7

He’s got it. He’s got it all in the palm of His hand-all of it. Every tear, every desperate moment I have every image that is printed on my heart of Caleb. He knows every desire to scream and change things, every time I want the rewind button…

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7

…and my heart is overflowing with thankfulness for every detail that He has stitched together in my life and for the passion that my husband has even with a brain injury. He may have a fog over his joy, but he’s got full access to passion. So often when I talk to people or listen to people talk, I notice how they lack passion for life. Whether it’s something great or just being angry about something, what is any of it without passion?

I think if God didn’t create us and love us passionately, He wouldn’t have sent His ONLY PERFECT Son to die for us and take on all of our sin.

Is there something in your life that you can automatically say you’re passionate about or are you lacking? Is your marriage filled with passion? Your love for your children? Your job? Do you have a passion for sharing Christ with people that don’t know Him?

Cale has taught me about living a passionate life.

He’s passionate about Mt. Dew and chicken nuggets to every kiss that he gives me.

I love him.

UPDATE-
We’re here! We made it safe and it’s almost 2am so we’re hopefully going to be asleep soon! :) The flight was really great and so was the hour drive home. Cale is excited to be here! Yay! Me too! Me too!
So awesome!

Flight #1- Cale held his cane as he walked to the plane! :) I wasn't paying attention when we got up to it though and he ended up slamming his head while going in...oops.

Flight #2- Right before the adventures begin! I only posted about some of them!

Flight #3- This is what the day did to us...

NY bound!

2011-10-04T20:35:00.000-07:00

Cale’s prayer last night…

“Dear God, I pray for our marriage. It’s going good so far, yes. It’s wonderful, yes. I love you. I love Kathleen too. But I love you more.”

His words are so sweet and honest. Just the way they should be :)

Tomorrow is the big day! We head to NY for a week and will get to visit Ft. Drum and our church family. I’m super excited and so is Cale! This is going to be the first trip we take together that is all fun. No therapy (of course, just about everything we do is some kind of therapy!) and no hospitals! I’m not totally sure how the week is going to go and how much Cale is going to tolerate, but I’m praying its great!

I’m praying that miracles will happen and that memories are sparked! I’m also praying that Cale will be completely drenched with joy! Because of the Holy Spirit alive within him, he has full access to living a joyful life, but I feel like there’s this fog that is keeping him from the joy that is his to claim and receive. Everyday life right now is so hard for him to enjoy…things are hard and confusing. He has trouble processing and understanding, but he still can be filled with joy and peace!

Hmm…I feel like I had more to write, but my brain has decided to shut down a bit early…it’s a good thing since I’ll be up at 3:30am!

Question…
Does anyone know why the pictures on the blog in the beginning don’t show up anymore? Is there a way to bring them back? I’m not sure at what point they stopped showing, but it’s been awhile!

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. –Psalm 143:10

Here are two pictures from Cale's birthday party! :)

Out of the field and back on the road!

2011-10-02T22:22:00.000-07:00

Maybe the sunset I saw last night was just a well done masterpiece in the sky and that’s it. But, maybe it was a reminder from the Lord of His glory and how even when I’m unqualified, He is only asking me to be willing and then in my weakness, He is strength.

I was driving home last night from Spokane and literally gasped when I noticed the sky lit up with colors. My pitiful picture on my cell phone is far from the image my eyes captured. Sorry for the bug guts smeared across my window…

This moment of amazement was the introduction into a powerful and intimate prayer time. I can’t explain what change took place in my heart. I began to weep and cry out that I needed Jesus. I need Him in every part of my day. My life. In the picture you can see on the right where there’s a field on the side of the road. The field went on for miles to my left and right and as I started praying, I saw myself walking farther into the field and away from the road where I was supposed to be. I’m going to be honest and say that I have not been faithful at daily reading my Bible and spending quality time with the Lord recently. My heart was breaking as I confessed it openly in my prayer while realizing how far off the path I had allowed myself to get. It may have not been too far as of yesterday, but it wasn’t the direction I wanted to be going.

Anyways, my attention was grabbed and my focus is back on track!

As far as the conference went, it started with me being excited, around the middle of it I felt discouraged and by the end I was motivated. It was packed full of useful and needed information and I met some incredible people. The whole event was a blessing!

Included in the couple days was me walking into a room that wasn’t mine, getting lost, getting the water in the shower stuck, and spilling coffee on the nice white tablecloths. Hmm…

Now, I’m back with Cale…and I love it. I missed him like crazy! I had to control my speed on the way home and the closer I got to home. I was able to talk with him several times, but that is nothing like getting to see the smiles on his face, his eyes open wide, and feel his hugs. So good to be back with him.

As I’ve said before, during the sermon is often a really hard time for him. He’s not able to process the information as quick as it comes in, so he ends up shutting down a lot of the time. He’s also known for taking my shoe off and switching it with his moms shoe on her foot…anything for entertainment! Well, today our Pastor was talking about finances and the spiritual issues a lot of us face with that. Towards the end he made a comment about McDonalds. I watched as both of Cales eyes popped open and he quickly turned to me, “No McDonalds?” then turned to his mom , “that’s crazy!” He was appalled at the thought! Haha! Although that wasn’t exactly what our Pastor was saying, it was hilarious that Cale picked that out! Also impressive that he did hear it, this meant he was listening even if it was only partly!

Tonight while lying in bed, he grabbed my arm and stopped me from doing what I was busy with. I tried to pull away and he started laughing and then said, “You’re funny.” “Why?” I asked as I was still trying to pull away. He then replied, “You’re trying to get away. Nice try.” :)

Tonight I walked in the room after I was finished up with some things in the living room and found this…

Not sure how Cale got down there, but he was sure comfy enough to fall asleep! :)

I know I say this a lot, but Cale is different. There’s a new change in his speech and maturity. I’m sure it helped me leaving and coming back to see the changes and be more aware of them, but last night and tonight he’s…different. Praise God!

Soup, Pie, and Pumpkin pancakes...oh my!

2011-09-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

Fall tastes and smells so good. Period.

Sunday we had gone to a park in Seattle and I was able to soak up the beautiful trees that were dressed with golden leaves.

Monday I was able to wear my rain boots which I love.

We had acorn squash for dinner last night.

I could smell and feel the crisp coolness this morning and evening.

Don’t even get me started on all the yummy smells!

I. love. fall.

Monday after getting home from Seattle, I was wiped out-to the extreme. I don’t like to say that Cale is a lot of work because first of all, I love that I’m the woman that gets to take care of him. Yes, I want him whole again, but I wouldn’t change being his wife for even a split second. I am honored to be the one to care for him. Secondly, I am reminded often that it could be a lot worse. One huge thing is that he doesn’t need his wheelchair all the time and that takes a load off! Even though his struggles are a lot more mentally than physically, it’s a blessing to have him so mobile!

It’s easy to think that since he’s not so bound physically that life is on the easier side, but it isn’t so! The mental side of the house can be draining and take so much strength and energy, it’s just in a different way. This has taken time for me to really realize and come to grips with.

So…after the long week/weekend, I needed a break from Cale…just a little time to catch my breath. It sounds horrible for me to say and type this, but it’s so true and even before the accident, we needed time apart-although it didn’t come often that we wanted it, it did come.

Tomorrow I leave for Spokane for a conference for a couple days and on Monday had been thinking that this weekend was perfect timing. I still think it is, but since Monday after Cale’s nap, it has been wonderful with him! We have been having a great time together and like I wrote yesterday, Cale’s humor is making me laugh constantly!!! He was always known for his silliness and being goofy and I see that coming back more and more every day. I love it! I enjoy being with him so much! At dinner tonight I was looking at him thinking about how much I’m going to miss him over the next couple days. The conference is going to be great…at least I’m hoping! :) It’s another writers conference so be praying for me!

This afternoon a few girls came to visit for a while. I love each one of them and each one has a special place in my heart. All three of them are on the edge of a new season in their lives; one is getting married in a few months, another is getting ready to move out of state for a job, and the other is getting ready to possibly start a new job here in town. It’s all so exciting!!! I was so blessed to have them over and catch up with some amazingness in human form! :)

Cale had PT tonight. Carly just came back from backpacking around Europe and we’ve missed her! Of course, we were missing for part of the time…haha! Cale wasn’t excited for PT in the slightest, but eventually we were able to get him on the elliptical. The goal was 10 minutes because he didn’t want to do anything, but he ended up topping the goal and did 13! He also did it with a resistance that he hadn’t tried yet! I noticed that so much in San Diego that even though he really didn’t want to do something, he did it and gave it his best! That’s my man!

We’re going to cuddle up and spend the night being together since I’ll be gone the next two nights. I’ve talked with Cale about me leaving and when I explained why I was going he said it was ok and it was good for me!

Didn’t I just get home?!

Ha.

Catching Up!! Whew!

2011-09-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

Oh man. This is going to be a nutty post as I try to fill you in on the last part of the Sports Clinic, coming home, leaving again, Cale’s neurologist appointment, and being home again. Yikes!

Here we go!

Friday…

Was sailing! I was hoping this would be a relaxing time for Cale and something that he would enjoy. I remember before the accident talking with him about someday sailing. This wasn’t going to be a romantic time with just us, but still had lots of potential for fun. He already wasn’t too in to it before getting on the boat and once he was off, he had the same excitement for it. Although, I was on a boat following him and the other vets and every time we saw him he had a smile on his face!

They did a race and for almost the entire time Cale was in first place, but towards the end another boat came up and Cale ended up in second. It was still great though! Of course the competitive side came out when everyone mentioned how awesome it was for him to take second he said, “First is better.”

He told the guy that had helped in the boat with him that cars were better and faster. Haha!

The second part of the event was supposed to be our turn on a really big sail boat with the team all together, but Cale had enough of the water, people, and sailing. I knew even though he was able to sleep in, he still needed a break. When we got to our room, he immediately went for our bed. I went on the balcony to make the room quiet until he fell asleep. After talking with Mama for a while on the phone, I went back in the room as quiet as I could so that I wouldn’t wake him. He looked so comfy and peaceful. A couple minutes the silence was broken with, “quack, quack” I only thought he was resting! Haha! We ended up being goofy and ran out of time to get ready for the awards ceremony! We managed to freshen up a little-at least changed our clothes and then off we went!

Each veteran received a metal for completing the week. It was really neat to watch Cale walk up the ramp all smiles and receive his.

After the awards ceremony there was a small break where we were able to clean up a little more and then off to the closing ceremony we went! It was beautiful; dinner on the roof top and flags everywhere. Shortly after arriving, Cale saw some guys in uniform and lit up! He wanted to go say hi so I walked him over to the guys and he introduced himself as Sgt. Darling. After dinner they were all willing to get a picture with us. :)

As soon as we were back in our room, I went into crazy mode trying to get everything ready to go and us in bed asleep as quickly as was possible! The shuttle was picking us up on Saturday morning at 4am…yikes! That meant I was going to have to get up while the people outside our hotel room were still partying. Cale told me it was time for sleep as I was trying to wake him up and I wanted so bad to agree with him! Haha! I think I had one of those nights when I was so afraid of missing my alarm that I didn’t sleep all night!

Delta was incredible with how much they helped the early group of us through getting our baggage checked, security, and to our gates. When they announced that it was time for our flight to start boarding, they also announced about the group of veterans we were with and everyone clapped! This made my heart fill so full as I watched a smile cover Cale’s face knowing that they were clapping for him. So special!

On the way back Cale also did great in all the airports and once again walked to the gates instead of taking the wheelchair. I know he was tired, but he was being such a sport! We also just had a good time being together.

The whole event was amazing. We both met some really awesome people and I hope I’ll get to see all of them again. The opportunity to go and be a part of the week was outstanding and the week altogether was a huge blessing! I’m so thankful that my husband has something like that to go to and be a part of and that it wasn’t just for him, but that I was able to be so much a part of everything as well. A week I’ll treasure!

One of the other parts of it was how many times I was stopped and told how honorable it was that I was still with my husband. In fact, Friday night when we were leaving the roof top, a guy stopped and asked if I was Caleb’s wife. We both answered yes and then he asked if we were married before the injury. I again answered yes. He went on to tell me how after he was injured his wife left him and has never looked back…this breaks my heart. I have heard of this happening way too often and there are no words-sometimes just tears and so much thankfulness that Cale is alive and that I get to still be with him. One of the reasons I’ve been working on this book I’m writing is to hopefully be able to put hope in writing and to be available to a woman (or man) that is hurting so much and being faced with something that threatens to wipe her out whether that would be a family member with TBI, loss of limbs, deployment, death, cancer, whatever it may be…my prayer is that God would use my book as a tool to bring hope to the hurting and confused and that eyes would be turned to Him.

A few things (really cool things!) that happened on the way home…

We were sitting in Salt Lake waiting for our flight. I had gotten Starbucks and Cale was drinking an OJ. It wasn’t a particular special moment, but Cale turned it into one when he asked if I had his PSP!! He asked for it! He hasn’t had it for very long (but he remembered!) AND when I told him yes and asked if he wanted it he said, “Later on the plane.” AHHH!!! He was thinking ahead and already had thought process that the flight was going to be boring and he would need something to do! This is such a big deal!!

On our last flight there was a very sweet older lady sitting behind us. Through the slit between our seats we started talking with her. She has lived in our town since 1949 and told us how things have changed. We had a really nice conversation and then it was time to land. When we were walking to baggage claim, we each gave her a hug and said good bye and when we walked away, Cale asked what her name was. I told him I wasn’t sure and asked if we should turn around and ask. Cale said, “No. That’s an awkward question. Uh…what’s your name?” Because we had already walked away! This cracked me up and the way he said it was so much like how he would have before his injury!

While we were waiting for baggage, Cale asked me what ours looked like! I thought this was so neat and showed great skills to be able to ask what the bags look like so that we could find them.

Exciting stuff!

Home for a night and then off again!

We came home to her…

…and him….

Saturday night we were both exhausted! And we weren’t going to have much time to rest because on Sunday we left for Seattle! Neither of us was excited about having to drive all the way there, but I was excited to see our friends that we had met there in February! We had arranged to stay with them for the night which I liked way more than if we would have had to get a hotel! We had dinner with them and watched a movie. Cale was actually able to last for the full movie! There were a couple points that he would start to fall asleep or decide that he was done, but then something adventurous would happen and that would catch his attention again. He doesn’t handle new things very well and this was a movie he had already seen so it was perfect.

Another early morning came with his neurology appointment at 8am and we had to leave an hour before that! This was a very important appointment though, so I was game for it! First, it was a bit of a shocker. I’m used to going along and needing to explain what was happening and what the nurse/doctor was asking him to do and helping him out with everything. This time, the nurse called him over to get his weight and instead of me helping him, he turned around, handed me his cane, and walked with her to get his weight! Then, we went to the little room to get his vitals and again I was left at the doorway with my mouth hanging open wondering what I was supposed to do! Haha! It was GREAT to see him be so independent!

Of course when it came time for her to ask about the flu shot, I stepped in. His immediate response was “no” but I encouraged a little to which he again said, “no.” hmm…I moved a little closer and encouraged a little more! He said, “ok” :) When she gave him the shot he said ouch, but then didn’t say anything again. The nurse had us go back to the waiting room to wait for the doctor to call us so when we sat down, I asked Cale, “Are you ok?” Cale answered with a duh tone, “I have a hole in my arm. It’s not ok.” Haha! What?! Oh goodness!!!! He makes me laugh!

The appointment was full of testing which Cale did very well at! I was surprised to see him be able to do some of what was asked. He did struggle at quite a few things, but the doctor was great at not making it noticeable that he was messing up. We talked about his seizure meds and the different options for them. Right now Cale is taking 2 different seizure meds and one of them he takes 9 pills a day! As of yesterday we are weaning him off that one which will be SO nice! I can’t wait for him to only have 2 more meds! Soon!

The drive home took a lot out of me. By the time I walked in the door at home, I looked at Mama and said, “I need a break!” It was good to be home again for sure! I unpacked our bag, Cale went to sleep, and then Rachel came over for a bit which was refreshing! As soon as she left I had to get myself in gear again because we started a couples small group last night and I hadn’t been home to get the deck ready! Up went tables and I pulled out chairs and had to clean them off. All of it was so worth it after last night! Cale was even able to join in and make some jokes! We have a pretty neat group and I think this is just what we both need. It’s perfect being here so that when Cale needs a break he can just go to the room which he did need to do at one point. I’m excited for the special friendships the Lord grows out of this!

Home is good.

Some randoms things…

One of Cale’s favorite times while in San Diego was in the elevator. We were on the 18th floor and he would watch all the numbers and count either up or down.

On Friday Cale asked how old he was and when I told him he was 25 because he just had a birthday he answered with a really confused look, “I feel older than 25!” I told him I totally agreed!

Here is a link to some videos from the Sports Clinic. We’re in the kayaking one, but I would encourage you to watch all of them and being amazed! It really was a great week!!

http://www.va.gov/opa/speceven/ssc/2011/video/index.asp

Here is a link to a story the local paper had written up. The lady that interviewed us was really sweet!

http://coronado.patch.com/articles/vets-receive-extra-care-at-sports-clinic

On the way home yesterday we were listening to Cale’s favorite music group. One of the songs was about the guy singing about someone that had died and how he misses them. They specifically sing about how they miss them on Wednesdays and Saturdays. When the song ended and the next one started, Cale hit the power button and asked, “Why Wednesdays and Saturday?” Hmm…good question! I love that he was able to catch on and pick out that line!

Last night in the room, I was busy doing something so I could get in bed and told Cale that I still really needed to use the bathroom. He then proceeded to offer to pay me $2 if I would pee in my pants!!!! Haha! Don’t worry; I did NOT take him up on the offer! It was very entertaining for me to listen to him try to bargain with me!

When I finally did make it to the bathroom and was washing up for bed, I noticed a spider on the ceiling. I couldn’t reach it so Cale came in with his cane and was going to try to kill it for me. When he came in and tried, he said it was hard, so I took the cane and tried. This would have been perfect except that I kind of freaked out and hit the cane on the ceiling and then during my screeching I brought the cane down and accidently hit Cale right on the nose! This of course made the moment even more…insane with me running over to him to comfort my husband who at this point was holding his nose yelling, “Ouchy! Ouchy! “All while jumping up and down trying to now kill the spider that had landed on my bathroom floor. Oh man. We thought Cale had a bloody nose, but thankfully there was no blood! I just about knocked him out though! Haha! During the little episode I had also thrown his cane across the floor so when I suggested that he go lie back down he said, “Hand me my weapon!”

Both animals were in the room with us today. I commented that our animals love us and Cale said, “I know, it’s good.” And then he added, “If only they knew how much I love them then it would be really great. I love them so much!” This was so sweet! He really does love these animals of ours! :)

Here’s a moment I captured right before we left for Seattle on Sunday…

There have been so many changes in Cale over the last week! It’s been remarkable to see the way his humor has come out like crazy and how he’s been able to join in on conversations. It was a challenging week, but I think it did him some good for sure!

One of the veterans was quoted at the closing ceremony Friday night, and his words have stuck with me in a surprising way…

“The revenge of war is to live life well.”

I think after the week of seeing all of these men and women take on thrilling tasks and do it with such joy and determination after being stripped of a life that seemed to be what everyone deserves…

I can’t help but think that same thought and say, “The revenge of brain injury is to live life well.” Yes, it would seem that something so devastating could take away the very things that we held so dear, and in fact it did, but does that mean that we can’t keep going and enjoy life? This is our life-every day we are so blessed and every day I count it as a miracle to have my man with me-to have us together!

Smiles! Yay for smiles! :)

2011-09-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

Tuesday when we arrived back at the hotel around 4pm, Cale was so exhausted! He was asleep by 4:30pm and then didn’t wake up again until 7am Wednesday morning. I had woken him up to take his meds and after swallowing all 6 pills, he rolled over and was out again! No dinner that night!

It was a good thing he had gotten so much rest because yesterday was cycling. I had been told that we were going to have a tandem bike like what we had used in Palo Alto when we rode side by side, but when it was time to hop on a bike, the only ones were tandem that are back and front. I knew Cale wasn’t ready to hop on one of those! He doesn’t have great balance or control of his right foot. Eventually that might be a good idea, but not yet. The next option was him alone. Oh man. The last time we tried this while still at Palo Alto, it didn’t go too great. Cale had fun, but steering and control was a struggle. We decided with his vision issues and lack of his hands working together that tandem was going to be the way to go. Well, ladies and gentlemen, Cale not only rode by himself, but did it amazingly! We even had to ride on the street with cars, cross streets, AND did a total of 11 miles!!!!!!!! Yes! He did! Can you believe it?! I think the only reason he needed to turn around was because he needed to use the bathroom. I really think he could have done the full 14 miles. Either way, it surprised-shocked me that he went so far! GO Cale!!!

One of the other things that we all noticed a change in was…

Smile…

Smile…

Smile…

He loved it!

As many of you know, Cale lives very much in the moment. Even if the whole day had been absolutely perfect, if you ask him how the day was and in that moment he’s bored, then his answer for the whole day is going to be that it was boring. If his stomach was killing him in the morning and a few hours later it stopped, when you ask about his stomach hurting that morning, his answer will be that it didn’t hurt. This also happened with surfing on Monday. While Cale was surfing, he had a huge smile and loved it, but when he wasn’t surfing he was cold and miserable. So, his answer for how he liked surfing would be that he didn’t.

Yesterday he actually would say that cycling was good! This is going to be my new mission once we’re home; to get him a bike! We’ve been trying since March to get the tandem bike for us and now that we don’t need it, we can work on getting him a bike!

Funny story about my bike…

So, while Cale was in his single bike, I followed behind (or in front for part of the time) in case something happened and to help guide him. They had a ton of bikes to choose from but when I went up to get fitted, the lady had me sit on a dozen different bikes and none would work! Even with adjusting the seats, my legs were just too short! Haha! Uh…we finally found one though and I was good to go!

Every day after the events, Cale has been coming back to the room and passing out from exhaustion. We really are on the brink of it being too soon and all of this too much and then it being perfect timing. Yesterday after all that cycling, we had time to get to the room and have a couple hours before going to a big block party for the event. Cale kept trying to fall asleep and I kept being the annoying unwanted obnoxious woman and kept him awake.

Between the time of getting back to the hotel and leaving for the block party it had gotten extremely cold outside. Extremely might be a little exaggeration, but it makes my point. After getting our delicious plates of food, I scarfed mine down and Cale couldn’t eat! He was so cold! We ended up leaving pretty quickly after getting there and headed back to the room so we could crawl under our warm blankets!

This morning we got up and ready and then headed for some kayaking! Some of you might remember we did this in Seattle when Cale was going through radiation. He enjoyed it, but didn’t love it. The paddling takes a lot of coordination and strength which is very challenging for the Boy. Today we went in a double that had foot pedals! This was brilliant! We had a blast!!! At first we all hung around in a group to get everyone in their kayaks and make sure everyone was comfortable. When we were all ready, the whole group headed about 1.5 miles out and then back on a long ride. Cale and I were the first to the buoy on the way out! This of course made him smile so big because he’s really competitive. On the way back we switched it up and tried paddling…yep, that’s not our thing. We ended up going back to using our feet! :)

All was good and Cale was happy until we switched to the games after lunch. Instead of me going with him for the football game, a volunteer went with him. It started out really well with Cale still smiling and ready to win, but it didn’t take too long for it all to be too much. There was a small outburst of frustration so John brought him back in and I was able to remove him from the situation and he cheered up. He was still really tired though!

The rest of the day has been great! We’re ready to cuddle in bed and enjoy sleeping in a little tomorrow! So far it’s been all early mornings, but tomorrow we don’t meet up with the team until 10:45! Woohoo!!

Cale has been wanting ice cream since after the bike ride. Finally today there was some for all the guys and he enjoyed every drop of it! He even tore off the top of the little cup at the end and licked the entire inside! Haha!

“Fresh”

2011-09-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

Several times within the last few days the word fresh has been used to describe Cale when people have heard the date of his injury. I can honestly say that it doesn’t feel like it to me in the slightest. So many nights when I’m trying to fall asleep, I think about how long it’s been since I’ve had my husband the way he was before TBI. It feels like ages since I’ve been able to talk to him, laugh and play with him, dream with him. Although I’m now able to do that with Cale again, it’s very different; not bad-different. I love the man he is now because I knew that man he was before. I’ve learned (and am still learning!) how to love this man that he has become with so much passion and life because he’s still my husband…still my Boy.

When I look around at this remarkable group of men that are here at the clinic and hear some of their stories of what they’ve had to overcome, it helps to put things in perspective and remind me that we ARE early into his recovery and he’s come SO far! It’s of course been causing me to think a lot about stuff…my mind is turning and the wheels are rolling! :)

It’s been a blast being here so far. I think I’m enjoying it a lot more than Cale though…he’s been having a hard time with all of it. I sent the application in knowing that it could be a challenge for him, but what is recovery without challenge right? I still think it’s a good thing we’re here and I’m not regretting it, but it is a lot for him. Please still be praying for endurance!

Even with the early mornings, long days, and over stimulation, he’s still pressing on! Today he didn’t want to do any of it. Since he ended up enjoying surfing I was hoping for the same today. We went to the United States Olympic Training Center and met Coach Cruz who is the coach for the paralympics and took a team to Beijing in 2008. He took all the guys out that were ambulatory and had them run the track, stretch, and then warm up before racing. When it all first started I was getting really nervous knowing that Cale couldn’t run. We ended up staying with the group though instead of going with all the guys in wheelchairs. Cale wasn’t able to run the track, but when all the guys started running, Cale handed me his cane and while holding my hand he walked as fast as he could get himself to go! Then came stretching and again he was really trying his best. His body just doesn’t move like he wants it to, but he at least tried. When the warm up first started, he was able to do as best he could everything being asked, but then it became more complicated. He kept going even though he was the last one to finish and all the guys were so great cheering for him and encouraging him to the finish. It didn’t take long for him to get upset when things became too complicated.

Break time.

One of the things I love about being with this group is that I don’t have to explain everything and feel bad for the way he’s reacting. They get it. They understand what it feels like and in some way even if they don’t have TBI, with whatever injury they do have, they’ve been there. After he had a little rest, he was good, but I still stepped back and let his coach step up and let him have his guy time. He hung out with him while the other guys raced.

Next up was rowing. Cale seemed to be engaged as we went into a room and watched a short video and discussed what was involved in this sport. After all the talking, the guys all got on machines for a practice to give the feel of what they were going to experience in the water. Just watching Cale on the machine I was thinking how perfect this was for him. He didn’t seem to agree…haha!

All the guys loaded up in a training barge and off they went. I climbed on a motor boat and followed behind getting to take pictures and encourage Cale with continual thumbs up! At one point we went to check out some of the other guys and when we saw Cale’s group again, he was in the back with the nurse. I was afraid that maybe it had gotten too hard and he had given up, but later found out that he had just gotten really tired and to keep everything going for the other guys they had Cale move. This made me feel so much better to hear! I can imagine it made him tired! That’s a lot of muscles he doesn’t normally use!!

You can't see Cale very much because he was on the other side, but here's his group going!

With all the hard work for the first part of the day, it was lunch time! We were all invited inside the Training Center for an incredible lunch! Out of all the food and choices, Cale went with a bowl of cereal…gotta love him!

When all of our bellies were full, it was time to try shot put, discus, and javelin. This part of the clinic was definitely not my cup of tea…although I have hidden muscles that are not seen with the eye, I would not have been able to launch any of these!

Cale doing shot put...

Javelin...

Cale tried (again even though he wasn’t crazy about the idea) and did really well I thought. He is so hard on himself (which can be really good) and said he didn’t do good so it made him sad. Bravo to him for trying ALL three!! He did better than I would have!

I’m not sure at what point it was, but they had a time to talk about goals and motivation for all the guys. I was sitting on Cale’s lap as we’re listening to a lady speak about her story and then she asked all the guys questions. One of them she asked was, “What motivates you?” All the guys are taking turns yelling out things like, desire, fear, determination, and then Cale yells out, “kisses!” Oh man! Haha! Of course then all the guys had fun with that…and I turned red.

Just a couple hours later you wouldn’t have known that I was embarrassed and red because I now look like a lobster with the lack of sunblock…I am very roasted!

Me getting baked...

Here is a picture of Cale and a guy named Chris.

Chris has TBI and was injured in 2000. He is awesome. Cale doesn’t totally get that they both have TBI and Chris understands what he's going through, but I think he does to a point, at least in moments. Chris constantly encourages Cale and helps out. It blesses my heart so much to see them together. I think it’s so great for Cale to have that “guy” friendship that pushes and encourages him to keep going and not give up. His mom has also been so encouraging to me and is packed full of info and resources. Total blessing!

You all will be proud to know that I have not cried yet even with all of the amazing things taking place! I’ve gotten teared up, but NO sobbing! Haha!

Oh! Also, Cale was on the front page of the VA website today surfing!

www.va.gov

Birthday and Surfing!

2011-09-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

At 1:00am on Saturday night (or I guess Sunday morning...), I felt Cale roll over and suddenly my eyes popped open; I quickly grabbed my cell phone to check the time. The alarm had not gone off, but for some reason I had in my head that I slept in and had to hurry to get ready. I was about to bounce (or fall) out of bed to get in the shower before everything came together…it was one in the morning! With a big sigh I said, “thank goodness!” which then Cale responded with, “huh?” followed by him rolling over again most likely trying to escape the crazy woman next to him!

First on the agenda yesterday was a trip to Naval Base Point Loma for the opening ceremony for the clinic. Before boarding the bus, Cale’s coach had written all the names of the team down and selected Cale to draw a name because it was his birthday. Whatever name was chosen, that person was going to be the one to walk in the ceremony and be given the team flag. Right before Cale drew, one of the other guys shouted, “He’s going to draw his name!” Cale pulled out the little paper, pulled back the fold and then he shouted, “Caleb!” This of course made him smile so big! He thought it was so neat to have grabbed his name even though he had no idea what it was for.

Here’s us right after getting the flag from Secretary Shinseki of Veterans Affairs

Look at my face…what am I doing? Haha!

The ceremony wasn’t Cale’s most favorite thing. We ate lunch there and with all the talking, it became too much for him. In fact, he didn’t touch his lunch plate and it was steak! He started to shut down, but then it was time for him to get the flag which gave him a boost!

We left the ceremony and went back to the hotel for Cale to rest. I thought it was going to be a quick nap because he was supposed to get a visit from TJ his friend, but he ended up napping for a few hours because TJ came later than planned. He is so tired already and the week hasn’t even started! Rest on his birthday was needed!

After the both of us had some chill time, we had dinner with TJ! It was really exciting for Cale to see his friend and very special. After we finished eating the waitress came with ice cream and a candle and we all sang Happy Birthday. The last time they’ve seen each other was Christmas! I wish that we would have had more time to actually do something, but that’s alright. We had to get to bed because this morning came early!

At 6:45 am we met with the team and then loaded on a bus to the beach where Cale went…SURFING!!!!!!! It was so cool! On the ride there, Cale was in a grumpy mood and saying he wanted to go home. I even sent a text to the coaches giving them a heads up. Once there, he seemed to get a little more excited but was still saying he didn’t want to do it. I asked if he would give it a try and do it for me. After he was dressed and ready to go, there was no turning back! At this point he had a smile on his face!

He had some awesome instructors that worked so well with him and did a great job of encouraging him along the way. The whole time he had a HUGE smile and right after he seemed so pumped!

We had to bundle him up in between it being his turn to go out. He was freezing! We covered him in blankets and he was still shivering!

I can’t even believe it. He did it! He surfed!!! I did ask one of the instructors if we needed to worry about sharks since we just watched Soul Surfer a few weeks ago…uh?! Haha! She reassured me we did not have to worry!

Chilling on the beach waiting for his second turn!

The first half of the day he went out twice before lunch and that about did him in. Right after he was done eating I found an empty tent and this is what happened…a much needed rest!

He was done after that and decided not to join in the last few times in the water. I am so proud of him for doing it that I didn’t mind him wanting to sit out! He has been really scared of water lately so he really didn’t want to do it, but he did. He fell off the board and went under one time each time out. When I watched him go under, I cringed thinking he was going to be done and be angry, rather he got back on the board and kept going! Awesome! He’s awesome!

This is his team and all of the coaches,instructors, and volunteers

Such a fun day together! :)Maybe one day he'll be able to surf again and stand!

Tomorrow is coming even earlier…we’re calling for room service or pizza; something that will come to us!