If it could burst...

Hello Friends. :)

I've been missing you. Obviously it's not like you're here having a visit with me, but sometimes when I set out to type a post, it kind of feels like I'm sharing with you here in my home (or where ever we may be!) and then I receive comments and emails from you responding to my babbles...and in a really neat way, it feels like I have this continued relationship with so many of you. 

I've been asked a ton lately how we're doing and what life looks like. Therapy? Explosions? Updates?! Heehee...yes, I sure do have a lot to share! 

I'm going to start with going through pictures and hopefully getting a good update just by them! Let's see...

One of my treasured friends moved away. Oh how I miss her. Our friendship started with this very blog actually. She had started reading it and eventually became bold enough to ask me for a coffee date...I love friends, and again, this blog here already makes it feel like a relationship so I said yes! I have to think safety before I just go meet a stranger, but Sharon knew a friend of mine so I knew she couldn't be too crazy...ha! After that coffee date, it became our thing. If schedules allowed, we met almost once a week to just visit. Share our hearts, ya know? I would listen as she talked about her children and family adventures. She would share garden tidbits and homeschool insights. It was a true gift to visit with her and build a friendship. So very thankful. 

Sharon, you're missed and still loved! 

Cale started working with an RS a few hours everyday. We're still trying to come up with a consistent schedule and work out some kinks, but I think it'll come soon! One of the things we have started are Thursday night dinners. This is when Cale puts on his chef coat and hat and cooks with Kylie. Cale who has never been one to cook...loves it! He goes into chef mode and thrives! It's fun to watch him be so serious about something and really take leadership. Kylie works well with guiding him and helping out. We like to eat the yummy food too! :)

I joined my dearest Rachel and traveled about 5 hours away for a night to be taught by Beth Moore. So good! My second time being able to go to one of her conferences and both times I've been challenged and enjoyed it so much! Extra time with Rachel was a bonus! :)

To end the month of April I went to my dad's memorial service. I went with every thought of being distant with my emotions. I didn't think it was going to be a hard time in the slightest, I just knew it would be good for me to go. Well...as soon as we pulled into town we stopped for a bathroom and my stomach started to tighten. At that point it was more because of feeling awkward than the actual reason I was there. After pulling up and taking a deep breath, I climbed out of the car and my uncle brought an envelope with pictures. Wow. A wall collapsed instantly and the tears and pain came. 

I won't go into all the details and how it all went, but I will say that I had to for sure work through some stuff. I was a mess for the rest of the day. The picture above is a moment that I wanted to capture and never forget. Mama dropped me off at home and then went to pick Cale up from his moms house. When he came home he came straight to my folded frame on the bed and began to comfort me and then with so much passion, he prayed over me. Speechless.

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May started out with announcing our NEXT project!! I have been terrible about updating with that on here...sorry. I feel like I've apologized before about this. Anyways...

For the month of May I'm excited to ask you to join us in collecting gift cards for spouses of men in the military that have given their life for our country. Towards the end of the month we take a whole day to remember the fallen and all they've sacrificed, and The Darling Project wants to honor and highlight the family still here...still full of tears...still living life. 

The gift cards can be Target, gas cards, Starbucks, or any that you are able to shop online incase they aren't in the area. I have the names of three women and I really want to help bless them! Please have all cards to us by May 31st!

Send cards to:

Kathleen Darling

c/o The Darling Project

PO BOX 5472 

Kennewick, WA 99337

Let's dooooooooo this! :)

What are we up to you ask...

We are living life. 

Shortly after being home Cale said to me in a frustrated voice, "Why can't we just live life?" 

Hmm...uh...why can't we? 

Therapy in a professional environment with a therapist is beneficial. Hospitals can be great and needed. Therapeutic gadgets and work books are good tools...

But, sometimes, the actual ability to live life and not be consumed with more progress more progress more progress is better healing than anything we can try to force and push for. 

Summer 2011 I was sitting alone pondering the very life I was living. I was tired. Drained. I was at a point of not enjoying being around my husband like normal and everything was building up. The realization came that when we finally get to Heaven, the focus will not be on Cale being whole again. Yes, he will be healed. His brain will no longer be full of dead brain tissue. Whatever Heaven will be like, we know that the broken shell he is in now will no longer be an issue. Our focus in Heaven will not be on how that darn brain injury is gone. 

Our focus will be on the King. 

Glory and Majestic

Messiah.

Immanuel. 

This was the beginning for me to really and truly live life again not controlled my more healing for Cale. 

It's hard though. It's hard not to wish constantly for more. More changes. More victories. More things that showed he was becoming someone from the past a little bit more each day.

Cale's request to just live life was the reminder for me that we don't have to have a weekly schedule full of therapies, doctor appointments and whatever new tool we could get our hands on. 

We can just live. 

We can be husband and wife.

We can dream of a baby.

We can plant a garden.

We can go on dates.

We can sit in the sun. 

The last several weeks we've even seen a noticeable change in Cale's anger. He's adjusted more to us being home and life smoothing out to something safe again. 

Our home is full of laughter, teasing, and so many happy moments. 

I've said so many times in the last few weeks that if my heart could burst it would. I find myself often sitting looking around feeling so overwhelming blessed. 

Life is good.

The dramatic struggles that come with brain injury seem to be at rest for this season. The pain and hardship comes in a silent sting that is invisible from the outside but the inside feels it real and raw. It's the reminder that this earth we walk is not our home. This is not supposed to be comfortable and painless. Jesus will come back for that.

We've been slowly setting up our home! I love the little touches of beauty that unfold. We both feel incredibly thankful that we get to call this house our home.

We got to take Cale's mom out for a picnic date on her lunch break. The weather has been beautiful!!! And...hot! 

Archery. 

If you think back to September you may remember me posting about Cale's love for archery. We had done it a few times in Palo Alto, but it wasn't something that clicked. Although, he did enjoy it. When we went to the Summer Sports Clinic in San Diego in September, the whole week had been horrible except for watching Cale fall in love with Archery. He shot arrow after arrow and even talked about it on his own and still does! Since then we've been searching for a way for him to do it here at home...

We found a way. 

We went last night with the RS to this guys house in Finley and he basically set us up with all the information we need to keep this thing going. Bows are a bit expensive but the plan is to invest in what Cale needs now and know that he's set! He's so excited! 

We've been longing, searching, and desperate to find something that Cale will enjoy again and have passion about like he did getting to play ice hockey. Folks, this is it. 

He has talked about it so much since last night!

We're both pretty jazzed and suuuuuper excited for this new beginning! After we have bow and arrows we'll be able to enjoy this activity 1-2 times a week for now! 

Woot! 

I still am smiling from the sheer joy of watching Cale be in his element. I was the wife on the side crying tears of joy...until the guy made me join in! Eeeek!

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While I've been sitting here typing away an update, a knock at the door came and this massive box was dropped off. I pulled it in and left it so I could finish this post and Mama opened it up. We have no idea who this is from...the only thing we know is from the note under from it says:

For your new home just because we love you.

Do you know who this is from?! 

Thank you...if it's from you! What a fun surprise! We LOVE it!!!!!! 

CCI-for us?!

Well folks, we just went on a major trip. So very many miles driven so close together! We had applied for several different service dog organizations the beginning of 2011, but so many of them came back denied because Cale wasn't (cognitively) independent enough. It left me feeling discouraged and frustrated. Last summer when Cale started to bolt out of the house when he would get angry, we were told by a good friend it was time for a service dog. She also had an amazing organization to tell me about! 

We applied with Canine Companions for Independence last summer and started the long patient wait for a pup. After weeks we received notification that we were accepted for a personal interview. We've missed two of them while at Walter Reed, but finally about two weeks after being home (maybe even just a week?) we received another invite! This part of the process doesn't guarantee a dog but it does bring you just one step closer. Yahoo! 

We decided to drive for this trip. We packed food, loaded the car, gassed up and off we went! We had planned to leave the house by 9am but pulled out of the garage at 8! Who does that?

(Cale's must haves while traveling)

Day 2...and peace. 

Day two ended and we were ready to interview! 

Yes! We were ready and excited! 

The day started off with them showing us what to expect from the dogs, talking to us about the program, and giving us a tour. After a break we came back and worked with the pups! It was so exciting! I felt like a little kid at the Zoo and rather than a dog it was some kind of creature! And...I'm weird. We first all worked with the carpet dog named Fluffy. Next we worked with the actual animal. 

This was a time that as we went in front of the rest of the group, there were people from CCI taking notes behind us! Eeeek! I think this was the only time I was nervous! 

This also gave them a good understanding of where Cale is at. Once the interaction part was over, we went for our personal interview. I wasn't too nervous for this part because although they were interviewing us and taking more notes, I was interviewing them as well! I wanted to make sure that this is going to be what Cale needs and not just a dog that will just be for him to pet. 

They asked us a lot of questions and I felt like it was all going well. They did talk to us about how Cale is at a hard stage to place because he's not (cognitively) independent enough for the service dog, and most of the people that get accepted for a skilled service companion aren't able to interact with the dog as much as Cale is able. I completely understand what they were saying. I saw it too. 

To finish the interview they asked us if we had any questions, Cale's one question to them was, "Do you like pineapple?" I bet they were the only ones asked this the whole day! ;)

On the way home we stopped to visit some of our adorable nieces and nephews and after our travels we finally made it back home...home sweet home! 

Now, we wait for 2 weeks to find out if we were accepted. If not, like I said, I totally understand! And, I still fully support their organization! Top notch by far! We were all three super impressed! 

waiting...waiting...waiting...

We received this in a package today! I have to say, we have the BEST prayer warriors along with the BEST gifters! I'm always so blessed by the emails, cards, packages, and sweet words from all of you! 

We love dogs...but we also very much love our cat. :)

This guy seriously brings so much joy to my life.  

Thank you Croods.

Family came for almost a week...and we loved every single minute. 

Our time was complete with food, boys day, girls day, fun nephews, baby holding, and a bouncy house. Way too much fun. 

Cale. The real chef.

My knee. My darn knee. In 4th grade I dislocated my knee cap and ever since it's been a nuisance. Darn knee. Went on my long run on Saturday and ended up crashing because of my darn knee. Mama and my prince had to come rescue me...all because of my darn knee. 

Please note the way my husband is relaxing. Also please note, he still has red on his toes. 

Last week I think I hit every emotion possible. I mean...maybe. I sure felt like it. Cale has had some explosions that well, wow. They hurt. I also found out my dad died. Wrecked. Those two things are only a fraction of what I was dealing with. I was "ok" all week and because of family here visiting, I was distracted. All the while my gut was twisted and my mind was in turmoil. I didn't know how I was feeling and the ability to try to process was so complicated and messy. 

As I sat on the couch working on my book (actually working on it...wowza!) I clicked over to good ol' Facebook for a sec to check something and a friend had posted they were praying for Boston. I quickly turned on the news to find what the rest of America found, a devastating video along with a lot of news commentary on the situation. Was I really watching this again...terror on what was seconds prior a happy fun day?

While our family was visiting, Cale and Ty had a guys day so Nikki and I took the boys to see The Croods. Cute movie by the way. One of my nephews voiced shortly after the movie started that it was historical fiction. Golly that boy is smart. 

Anyways, in the midst of my emotionally wrecking difficult week, in fact the very same day I heard about my dad, I was sitting during a children's movie and at one point the dad in the movie says, "No more hiding. No more dark. What's the point of all of this? To follow the light."

This wasn't meant to be a spiritual statement, but...it hit me directly where I needed it. What is the point to this life and all the pain and disappointment we face? What is the point of life? 

To follow the Light.

Christ is the light of this world and we are to follow Him. We are to walk this earthly battle and keep our eyes and hearts focused on Him. We are to be light to those around us despite what we're feeling.

My heart was aching. Almost in a very real physical way and the reminder to follow the Light was not only the reminder I needed, but also a clear comfort that if we choose to follow the light, eventually there will be no more dark. 

We'll be in glory. 

The plane left without us...

Well folks, I had last written that we were about to leave for a week...but the plane left and we stayed home. The first week home had been quite a challenge. The staff at 7E had talked with me about how it might be difficult, but as much as my mind knew...I just wasn't prepared. 

It's kind of a long story, but on Friday about 30 minutes before we were to leave for the airport, Cale had a really bad explosion. Thankfully he walked right to his man cave and stayed for a couple hours! While he was out there, I made the decision to stay. First of all there was no way I was getting him on the plane and I just knew it wasn't a good idea. 

I will be the first to admit that I didn't have the best attitude. I hated not being able to go. With tears I talked with Mama and called the hotel and airline. I also unpacked. 

I would love to tell you how grown up I responded and how mature I was but...reality is that I kicked and screamed the entire time I unpacked! I was so upset. Red faced and puffy eyed I refolded and stomped around. I let the Lord know exactly how I felt and how unfair I thought the whole thing was. 

It went just a bit deeper then the simple story of not walking through security and being guided to B10...

When Cale did come back in, we talked and went for a walk. He had calmed down and so had I. I was still pretty miserable until the next morning. My first thought was how we weren't in CO with all of our friends and then it hit me as I opened my eyes...wow. I'm home. 

As much as I was  disappointed about not going, it ended up being such a relief and blessing! In fact, blessing after blessing came within the last week! 

Sometimes we just need a kick in the pants. 

Saturday we went to a birthday party for our niece. We've missed so many family events so it felt so good to be there and be a part of her special day. It was at an arcade...so it was extra fun!

Hanging with my nephew :)

No picture with the birthday girl! Whoops!

The next day was Easter. 

I will write more about Easter tomorrow but wanted to share how amazing Cale did during service! And, it's been two Sundays now and both have been great! He has been so interactive and focused. Our pastor will ask questions and Cale will answer and not hold back. He's engaged and honestly enjoying it. After the hard week and then not being on the trip...to be in church on Easter...well...was kind of a quick reminder about how trips are not such big deals when you think about the cross. 

Ouch.

We spent the afternoon at home hanging out and then we spent the evening with family. Beautiful day.

On Monday I received a message from a close friend that she was thinking about coming into town and wondered if I was going to be available Wednesday and Thursday. Without hesitation I replied, YES!!! 

She is so special to me. I played with the idea of locking her in one of our rooms and not letting her out...but I knew the fun in that wouldn't last. Ha. 

The only picture we got together was one Cale quickly snapped...

Ashley, you are a true gift. We had such a short time together but every bit of time with you was soaked with blessings. Our conversations were needed and your visit is one I'll treasure. 

We've been doing a lot of living life. It's been a blast being in our own home again and making it into what we need a little more everyday. 

Part of the challenging week was indeed the checklist. I don't think it was the actual cause of all of Cale's explosions, but it's where he directed his anger. He constantly would say it was for the hospital and not for home. We also noticed that he was using the same phrases when he was angry as he did on 7E, "Here sucks!" "Send me to jail." "Home is better." "I want to go home." "I'm sad here."

After talking with a friend and gaining some outside wisdom, we decided we needed to change up the checklist. I knew I couldn't just throw it out the window (like I really wanted to!) but I did need to adjust it to Cale. We ended up creating a list for me and Mama as well...and what we've come up with and how we've altered a few things, seems to be a really good fit. 

I've been working on little projects here and there with Mama. I'm not consumed with it since I had come back for a week in February. It's just fun and relaxing. I had purchased a chandelier almost a year ago and have been waiting to get it up, and now I have! 

One of my favorite things has been listening to everyone describe our home as, "It's so Kathleen." Makes my heart happy.

On Thursday Cale spent almost the entire day in slippers! He was so happy about this! Haha! 

While on 7E Cale would tease the nurses after he would go to the bathroom. He wouldn't dry his hands and then he'd find one of them to shake his hand. With a smirk he would tell them he didn't wash his hands...and he peed on them...

His mom found this chefs hat which was perfect! 

Another silly hat for Cale! :)

My brothers birthday was last Tuesday (he's an old man!). He was a Marine for 15 years so we made him a little birthday video to make him smile...

This month the Darling Project is asking you to join us in blessing someone in your life (or you don't even know!) with flowers or a plant! Let them know they're special and you're thankful for them! If you haven't joined our Facebook page to stay updated I encourage you to do so! :)

I would have to say the best thing about being home is how just about everyone that has gotten to see us has talked about how much better Cale is doing. He's even shocking me with how he's interacting on FB! I'm sure if you're my friend or his that you've seen him commenting a lot more lately! He's also messaging people and texting a lot more! He really is becoming more and more of his own person again. I LOVE it. LOVE IT!!!! It is such a blessing to see...to watch his character unfold. 

I hope in some way you'll be able to interact with him. It may be the coolest thing ever. 

At least I think so! 

Hello! Goodbye!

Home! We're home! 

We made it through the crazy flights and short layovers. At one point I was handed a wheelchair and after helping Cale sit, we flew! I grabbed it and ran! Once we were to our home airport we were missing a bag and ended up waiting around for an hour and half! We were laughing because who would have thought that after making such tight connections that we'd get stuck in our hometown airport?! Cale was wearing his red angry birds hat and pretended to peck at me...so time went by with entertainment at least ;) haha! We were surprised not only with walking in our new home, but also because my in-laws were standing in our living room! 

The first night since we arrived home so late we visited, Cale walked around and then we were asleep! Tiredness hit quickly in the Darling Home. Next morning we were up and awake before 5am! Yikes! Hello time change. 

Tuesday night we finally celebrated Christmas with family! Our home was full of bodies and tons of food. We opened gifts and shared stories...such a great time. No pictures though! Can you believe it?! Me not taking pictures? Fail.

Wednesday was the day to unpack and pack again! We just got home and we're off again for a week of fun! Cale was saying that this short time was a preview to being home. :)

Laundry, meetings, visiting, errands, eating, packing and surprises. 

Full week.

Here's Cale's big surprise...!

Here's some pictures of our home! I was trying to snap some quickly before a meeting I had today, so sorry for the lack of quality...

Big difference! 

Cale at home! 

While I was home for the week last month, Mama helped me with the shower curtain. It stopped where the black part at the bottom starts and with how high up the bar is, the curtain was way too short! Mama found this black material that has texture and movement, pulled out the sewing machine and within minutes we had a perfectly fitted shower curtain! I think I like it even more now! 

we are blessed. 

I always know to check Cale's pockets when doing laundry...I was still quite surprised when I found these in his pockets! When asked why he had them he said, "I found them!" Haha! 

I chopped my hair off. It's been over a year that I've been discussing the same cut with the lady that does my hair and finally I committed! I already want to change it a tad, but until the next appointment I'm good to go! :)

Do you remember me telling you about a gift that Cale had picked out for Mama for Christmas? Yeah...it's awesome. And...she's going to kill me for posting this. Footy Pj's...

Cale has had a challenging week. Adjusting is hard and for some reason now that we're home he hates the checklist. We're going to press on and keep going. Will you be praying for us? Pray for Cale's anger which can stem from all the changes that are taking place, confusion, or a handful of other things. Also, pray that he would begin to accept the checklist here at home. Didn't I just write about how it was an answer to prayer?! Be praying for my heart. It's hard not to be discouraged when the same feeling inside now is what I was feeling before 7E. Although, thankfully this time I know we have tools in place and it's not quite as intense. It's been a busy hard week...

Cale has eaten homemade sweet potato fries and at dinner he prayed that God would bless our upcoming trip...so thankful for both of those things!